Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Turning Tables

Let me just preface this post by saying lately I have become obsessed with Adele and incredibly impressed by her. Gobsmacked. Bewildered. Inspired.

I'm not quite sure why, but her latest album has rocked me to my core. She's not only got the most soulful, deep, powerful and rich voice I've ever heard in a woman, but her music & lyrics are phenomenal. My favorite song by her right now, apart from, Set Fire to the Rain, is Turning Tables. If I were to create a song that I thought applied to this season of my life, I couldn't come up with half the magic or half the talent that lies in this song by her.

Here are the lyrics:
Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't rescue, you to just desert me
I can't give you, the heart you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you, ooh
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won't rescue, you to just desert me
I can't give you, the heart you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
Turning tables

Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won't rescue, you to just desert me
I can't give you, the heart you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Turning tables, yeah

Gorgeous. Full-figured. Real. Unique. Adele.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Lessons I've learned the past 3 months

1.) Don't date your friends. I know you may think it's a good idea, and there's a .00001% chance that nothing bad will happen and that it will turn out just peachy. But trust me when I say, nothing is the same after the fall out that will inevitably happen. You or both of you will get hurt and there is no going back to way that things were.

2.) Don't believe a guy when he says that he'll "still be friends with you" after the break up. It never is. It never was. And it never will be. No matter how often he says "don't hesitate to call me" or "I'm always here for you" or "I'd be pissed if you were no longer in my life." He doesn't mean it. And if he does, he'll change his mind. And you'll be left without a boyfriend and without a best friend.

3.) Don't let a guy kiss you 3 days after you get dumped. You're vulnerable. You're torn. You're being put into an extremely dangerous, complicated and confusing situation that your heart doesn't need. It causes unnecessary stress and chances are, he's just moving in on you for a quickie and doesn't actually care about what a fragile state you're in at the moment. Because if he did, he would respect the need for you to heal before jumping into the torture chamber once more.

4.) Try not to dwell on painful things that have happened. You'll find yourself not eating, not sleeping and becoming very sullen, bitter and full of resentment towards the people that hurt you. Which doesn't help you and it's not like they know or care anyways.

5.) Fill your life with good things again. Remember those old dreams you tucked away into your drawer? Pull them out, shake off the dust that started accumulating on them and try again. The only way you're going to fail is by not even attempting to fail in the first place.

6.) Never settle. There will be jobs, careers, friends and boyfriends that walk in to your life frequently. Don't settle for a job you hate, don't strive for a career you don't love, don't settle for mediocre friends and don't put up with guys who don't treat you the same in every scenario. You're worth more, no matter what mistakes you've made. You are not you're mistakes.

7.) Even though it's hard to look in the mirror and even think this let alone say it, you are beautiful. And it's not because of anything anyone has ever said to you on the subject. The fact is, God does not do shotty craftsmanship. The only people capable of shotty craftsmanship, is people. There is nothing wrong with you. You have no physical defects. So stop worrying about what other people think of you. Remember, they are the ones who make garbage. Not God.

8.) Laugh again. It's been so long and it's all having to do with the fact that idiotic boys have screwed you over somehow. Laugh. It's okay. It will be okay. Pull out Tommy Boy, Hot Rod, National Lampoon & Airplane! again and just laugh. Be happy. I know it sucks now, but nothing cures unhappiness faster than slapstick humor. So laugh.

These were just a few lessons I've learned the past few months. In all honesty, I haven't learned them all, but I'm starting to get the hang of closure & being at peace with myself even after watching myself screw up as many times as I have. Beating myself up for things that I've done and the mistakes I've made has only caused me to have a low self-esteem and a lesser degree of self-worth. And those aren't exactly good things. The best thing, the most healthy thing I can do is just to log this away somewhere as a lesson and make sure that this doesn't happen again.


Monday, October 31, 2011

Fix You

All I want to do is fix it. All I want is for things to be back to the way they were before things got complicated. All I want is for things to be as they once were. I just want to fix you & I don't know how.

Things were so great not a few months ago. Perfect. Immovable. Unchanging. Happy.

Now things are all kinds of effed up. And I can't seem to restore what once was, no matter how hard I try. To be honest I don't even know where to start. All I know is I haven't felt so worthless, miserable and so screwed up in a long time. It's all my fault. I've tried, but I've failed. Epic fail is an epic understatement.

I have no one to blame but myself. Every relationship I touch turns to rot.

Words to the wise: don't date your friends. It screws everything up & everyone involved inevitably gets hurt.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I got 99 problems but...

You know, I've always had a certain temperament when it comes to certain situations. I've spent my entire life doing things for other people, bending over backwards for others, sacrificing my own happiness to secure another's, and last but not least, making sure that I am in good standing with the people that surround me, apologizing for things that didn't need apologizing for. I've always been too afraid to say how I'm really feeling because someone inevitably makes me feel guilty when I'm justified in my thoughts. I've always been too much of a coward to advocate for myself.

But you know what, I've reached my breaking point. I'm out of ideas, patience and time. I don't know what else I should be doing to earn some sort of respect, but I'm done.

Let me extrapolate, first off: I'm done with medicore guys. I'm done with guys who profess to be my friend and then decide to be my friend when they want something from me, or more specifically, when they want action. I'm done with guys who say one thing, and behave completely differently the next day. Who put on a show of being a "nice decent guy" and then wind up being just as conniving, manipulative and hurtful as the previous dirtbag. I have been taken advantage of so many times, that if I had a penny for every time a guy used me, I'd have more than enough money to get my mother out of debt, AND get me & my family living the Bill Gates' lifestyle in a minute.

And 75% of the time, these situations are of my own making. I fall for it every single FREAKING time. I buy it hook, line & sinker. But you know what, at least I can say, with impunity & with all assurance, that I DON'T deserve this. That's one thing I've got goin for me. I don't care if I fall for the same dog & pony show every time, YOU should know better.

I am not your typical girl. I'm not an idiot, I'm not a cheap thrill & I'm NOT to be tossed aside. I have been shafted so many times over the past few months that it's amazing to me why I haven't blown up a building or been admitted to an insane asylum.

How dare you? How DARE you lead me to believe that you are some sort of martyr of the male sex, pulling out the victim card, leading me to feel sorry for your predicament and then wind up being just as hurtful & full of malice as the people you say have done the same thing to you in turn?

What did I do to deserve that? I'm fully aware of the mistakes I've made. Nobody is more aware of them than I am. No one goes to sleep at night tossing & turning and loathing the things that I've done more than me. But I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to change. And you're content in being in the exact same place as you were 2 years ago. You're more than happy in being alone, whereas I'd like a family. I'd like a home. I'd like a Christmas where both a mother AND a father are present. I'd like a bed that wasn't empty when I come home every night.

I'm so done. I'm so done with this. I have way too much love to give, way too much life to live, and way too much happiness to spend on another than to waste my time on someone who doesn't give a damn about me. I don't have to settle for someone who doesn't treat me like a human being. I don't have time to be with someone who messes with my head and plays mind games. I'm 22. I'm over this.

If you wanna be my friend, then step up to the plate. Mediocrity has no place in my life anymore. I'm raising the bar for the people I date & the people I surround myself with. If that's not kosher with you, well that's too damn bad.

I'm done with players.

I wash my hands of this.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Just a Kiss

Ya know, here's a little insight to the workings of the mind/heart of Megan Trijntje VerHoef.

When I kiss a guy, that sends a very powerful message. Not along the same lines as marriage, but enough of a powerful statement that's much more than "I like you, you're cool." I used to be very liberal with my kisses. I used to kiss any guy that showed interest in me.

However, over the recent year I've become very particular about the guys I kiss because every time I kiss a guy, I get attached inevitably. I'm not saying it's eternal, but I am saying there's a level of commitment and there's a certain special feeling that is shared from within me that I don't share with just any average Joe. At least not any more.

If you believe in love languages, it would probably be said that mine is physical touch, or more specifically, kissing. When I kiss someone, it runs much deeper. It means much more to me than hand holding or a "You're beautiful" or whatever else is spoken that's supposed to make me "swoon."

So when/if I kiss you do not take it lightly. I don't just kiss anybody. I kiss someone when I mean it. I kiss someone if I see it becoming official/ a relationship. I kiss someone I care about. I kiss someone that I share bits and pieces of my heart to.

I guess not everyone feels the same way I do.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

On the heart

There's one monologue from a beloved movie of mine that is most applicable to my life right now. It's Sandra Bullock as Sally writing to her sister Gilly. & it's no matter where I'm at in life or where I'm going, I always seem to be feeling this exact same way.

"Dearest Gilly,
Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon."

I know it's not true, and I know it's just because I haven't found what it is I'm looking for yet, but often times I feel like Sally. I want to be seen. I don't want to go to bed each night wanting. And more often than not, there is only that moon at my side and no man. It won't last forever. I know it's just a temporary state. I know that this is all a learning experience for me & blah blah blah blah. I get it. But the fact is, good advice doesn't hold me at night. Nice thoughts and words of encouragement don't kiss me or hold my hand. That's all I'm saying. All my life I've just wanted someone to love me for who I am and never leave. I get half but not the other. I never get what I want completely and indefinitely. & my heart has been beaten almost too many times to where I'm afraid one day I'm just gonna give up and not want to fall in love.

I'm just sick of dating. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick of putting my heart through the ringer time & time again it not working out. This is more of me just venting. I'm fine, I'm just tired and my father would always say "Fatigue makes cowards of us all" so tonight I'm just being a coward. I'm afraid. & even though it won't last forever, I wonder when forever will actually start.


Saturday, October 1, 2011

Hindsight is much more than 20-20

So, it's interesting to hear about people who meant something to you in your past at some point, and how they're doing recently.

I'm not gonna spare any vague "walking-on-eggshells" phrases when it comes to my previous relationships. I've dated some real douche bags, who weren't douche bags to begin with, at least not outrightly. But it's only been fairly recently that I've been exposing my heart to nice guys. Guys who honor their priesthood, guys who go to the temple on a regular basis, guys who treat me like an actual human being.

So when I hear about the current circumstances in which my previous boyfriend is in, naturally I'm curious. It was quite the eye opener, but I can't say it's all that surprising.

Let me just say, most fervently, that I dodged a huge bullet. I have never ever been so grateful for a break up than I feel right now towards this guy.

And I feel for this girl who has attached herself to him. While they were dating I had feelings to talk to her about him, to let her know some of the things that bothered me and the red flags I saw but was too bore-sided on not being alone that I ignored them. But it would've seemed awkward, it would've looked like I was trying to "get him back" or separate them for selfish reasons.

In all honesty, by about month 3 of the aftermath of the breakup that was the farthest thing from my mind.

This young woman is such a sweetheart. I never really knew her, only from a far off, but she was a dear. I knew that from the people she spoke with, and her roommates who happened to be my former roommates.

I am so grateful for revelation. And so sick at heart that this young woman is stuck with this dirtbag for eternity. I said from the get-go that I thought she was too pretty, too sweet and too good for him. And that still definitely holds true.

So, even though they suck at the beginning, sometimes break ups can be the best thing that'll ever happen to you. And I'm thankful for my own ability to let go when I know it's wrong.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Ramblings & Musings

Experiencing joys & heartaches is all a part of being human. Being alive is all about these two concepts, highs & lows, pleasure & pain, having your heart broken but also having your heart fly higher than you've ever felt.

And it seems that no matter how old you are, or in what status of this mortal coil you're in, these two sides of the coin are always flipping back and forth. One of my favorite lines in one of mine & my sister & mother's favorite movies that we watch is when the heroine says most astutely, "it's a truth universally acknowledged that whenever a part of your life starts going okay, another part of your life falls spectacularly to pieces."

And this happens frequently. You give someone your trust, your dreams, your hopes & your heart, and they break it somehow. It could be a family member or friend, a colleague or co-worker, or the most unpleasant and tragic circumstance; your spouse or significant other.

But one thing that I still have to keep remembering is that when things like this happen, when I feel abandoned, alone, neglected or broken, that there's at least one person looking out for me. One person who'll always be there.

I have a hard time forgiving myself for the things I've done. For the stupid mistakes I've made on my own & with other people. It takes its toll on me after a while, carrying the load of guilt & sorrow. But I know that the great thing about the Savior, and about Heavenly Father is that it doesn't matter where I'm at right now. The thing that they both care about is where I'll be down the road.

Life is hard. But life is harder when you don't know this simple truth. I'm so grateful for the Gospel that I've been raised with. It's been the anchor that has kept me steady for the past 22 years. It was the entity that I clung to when my father and grandmother died. It was the thing that I grasped when I was hurt & hurt again by people in my life that I trusted & who let me down in one way or another. And I know, even now, that no matter what curveballs are swung at me, not matter what happens in the future, or how my next 10 years in this mortal existence plays out, I still have something, when I feel like I have nothing.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


Saturday, September 17, 2011

For the record

I understand that everyone seems to be genuinely concerned with my dating life & the misinformation that I am "in a rush to get married." Although I appreciate the advice & the analogies concerning Ruth & Boaz, rest assured:

Since I've moved to Utah, the pressure I felt at BYU-Idaho to get married has lessened almost completely.

You may not believe this, but I am actually in no hurry to get married at all. I know this doesn't seem believable, but trust me when I say, I'm very content with my life the way it is right now. I've got a great job that I love now, and I'm still in the process of starting a little photography business as well as finishing my 3 books I started writing several years ago.

I'm fine.

I think what people are confusing my alleged "rush to get married" is just the fact that my luck with relationships hasn't been the best lately. There's a huge difference between getting frustrated with the dating game, as EVERYONE does, and being in a hurry to get married. I am the first one. Not the latter.

So thank you for your advice & concern. I appreciate it that I have so many people who love & care about me, but since I've been in Utah, I've been rather happy with my status as an un-married woman.


Friday, September 9, 2011

I Got You

A place to crash
I got you
No need to ask
I got you
Just get on the phone
I got you

Come and pick you up if I have to
What's weird about it
Is we're right at the end
And mad about it
Just figured it out in my head
I'm proud to say
I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye
I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you
I got you

Ain't falling a part, or bitter
Let's be bigger than that and remember
The cooling outdoor when you're all alone
We'll go on surviving
No drama, no need for a show
Just wanna say
I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye
I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye (go ahead)
I'll be alright (say goodbye)
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you

'Cause this is love and life
And nothing we can both control
And if it don't feel right
You're not losing me by letting me know

Go ahead and say goodbye (say goodbye)
I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye (go ahead)
I'll be alright (say goodbye)
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you

A place to crash
I got you
No need to ask
I got you

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Always look on the bright side of life...

So it's been a while. Life has thrown me a few curve balls & a few homeruns.

This probably needs some explanation though. My last semester at BYU-Idaho was a hard one, probably the hardest one for me academically & emotionally. I was taking 18 credits (half of those credits were upper division English classes) & working 2 part time jobs. I was struggling to make ends meet, struggling to find more meaning to my life, struggling to figure out what I was gonna do to spend my time in this mortal coil, and struggling with being single all in about a 4 month time span.

I was let down & disappointed several times, by guys, by school, by drama, by life. My prayers were mostly directed towards what I was supposed to do after I graduated. I tossed around going to Grad school, but that meant more debt, less money & no breaks.

I certainly knew what I didn't want. I didn't want to move back to Georgia. This feeling was meant to mean no lack of gallantry towards my family. I love, and have always loved, my family. I miss them even now. But I knew what was there for me in Georgia, waiting in the wings. I knew I had a few very close, dear friends of mine who love me & who would've loved to see me back. I would've been close to my nieces & nephews that I love more than life itself, and I would've been around my mom & 2 brothers, and somewhat close to my sister.

But the kicker was, there was nothing really substantial as far as a career or as far as the ''dating regime" went in Georgia. There is a serious lack of the male Mormon species. Not only that, but good Mormon guys. It's a drought I knew I was going back to. The dustbowl of dating.

Georgia, on top of this, also holds a plethora of painful, bitter memories. It was the place where my dad passed away, it was the general vicinity where my grandmother passed away, it was the place where I passed my middle & high school years which were the bane of my existence. I was self-conscious, depressed & on a spiritual plateau in Georgia.

Juxtaposing Georgia with the West, namely Idaho & Utah, I was happier out here. I was in my element out here. Yes there will always be things that bug me about here, but in comparison with Georgia, this was a place where I thrived. It's a greenhouse. There are so many people I've met that have changed my life that I can't bear losing, there are job opportunities that fit with what I'd like to do for a short time, there's a support system for me spiritually that I don't think I can replicate anywhere else.

My family has been skeptical of this decision I've made, and I can't blame them for that. Without knowing my perspective, it does appear to be a foolish financial choice on my part. But there's one thing I don't think I've mentioned much, that I kind of want to right now.

All through out my last semester, I prayed constantly, fasted so much, and received blessings multiple times all leading me to this conclusion:

I'm supposed to be out here right now.

Many spiritual confirmations have taken place, some simple & small, some substantially complex & personal. As for right now, there's at least one reason why I should be here right now, and he's definitely made a good & positive impact on my life. Whether or not this place, this relationship will last, I know at least for the time being that I'm meant to be here in Orem, Utah.

The more I'm here, the more sure I am.

I do miss my family & friends, and I wish I was closer to them. But this distance will hopefully be for a short duration while I'm fulfilling the things & following this path that I've been placed on.

So thank you, for your support & understanding. I love you all.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Brick Wall

You ever feel like you've been knocking your head against a brick wall incessantly?
I have.

I have loved moving to Utah, I really have. It's been wonderful so far. On my breaks from work I go outside and just stare at the mountains until I have to rush to my desk and be available for snotty Saskatchewans and angry Texans to yell at me about something that I didn't do.

I do think that this is the right choice so far. I've met incredible people and I'm in a fantastic ward. But as far as my job goes, I feel like I'm at a dead end. I don't want a call center job. I don't want a sales job. I don't want any of that B.S.

The sad part is, I'm not sure what I want.

Friday, July 22, 2011

My career choice

I've come to a realization today. It's not a surprising one, but it did take me off guard a little bit.

Graduation is a great accomplishment, and I'm very glad to be done with this long & difficult chapter in my life.

I'm happy to be moving down to Provo and starting a new life. But the thing is, now that I'm graduated, and now that I'm deciding on a career (haven't the foggiest on what that might be), I've realized that I don't wanna work.

I know what I wanna do. It's something that I've wanted for a while.

I just wanna be a wife. My job, my ideal occupation, is to make a home, cook a fantastic dinner, dote on my husband when he gets home from work and give my entire life and my entire heart to him. Devote every second of every day to making him happy.

Then, I want to add on, giving my life and my heart to my children. Teach them how to read. Play with them. Spark their imagination. Watch Muppet & Disney movies with them. Be there for them when they get scrapes or bruises, and teach them how to throw a punch at a kid who's picking on them.

That's what I want. It's not fancy. It's not a high-paying, lofty goal. It's not a position of grandeur. But it's what I want. It's what I've wanted for a while.

And for whatever reason, I can't seem to get it, no matter how often I apply for it.


Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Why does everything good have to change/go away? I feel as if things are changing in my life right now & I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I'm not sure what it is, I'm not sure how to fix it, I don't even know where to start.

All I know is, I wish things were back to what they were 5 weeks ago. I'm not adaptable. I don't do change well.

Good thing I wasn't born during the Jurassic period or I woulda been screwed along with the dinosaurs.


Monday, July 18, 2011

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Oh boy...

So, this week is the last week of being a student for a long time. As much as I would love to get a Master's, I feel like it's a bad time to do that financially.

Bottom line is, I'm scared crapless. I've been going to school for more than 75% of my life... now that it's over for the time being, what the eff am I gonna do? My degree isn't a very easy one to find a job in. I'm not particularly good at research and I despise editing and I'll be damned if I'm gonna be a high school English teacher.

Then there's the joyous experience of being single and not dating the guy that I want. I should be happy. There's nothing wrong with my life. There's nothing but good stuff awaiting me, right?


Why is it that I feel like I'm stuck? I feel like I'm ramming my face against a brick wall so much I'm gonna end up looking like a flat-faced cat. I just don't know where I'm going. I feel like Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady. What's to become of me? What am I fit for? Who will want me?

I just wish things weren't so hazy. I'm living my life in a thick fog and I don't like it. I don't like wanting something I can't have.

Whatever. I don't care. At least, that's what I'm gonna try to convince myself of for the next foreseeable future.


Thursday, July 14, 2011


I kinda went crazy with a photography project where I had to do animated gifs. My good friend Zack was happy to do this for me :)

Happy late birthday Zack! ♥



Zack skateboarding

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I'm not sure I can do this anymore

Between putting my heart in the ringer once more, to making mistakes in my classes to forgetting homework, to stressing out over post-graduation I'm just not sure if I have the stamina to put up with it all anymore.

I'm sure I'll look back on this time in my life and think what a great learning experience this was. I'll see that hindsight is 20-20 and I'll laugh at myself at how much I stressed and cried over everything that's gone on.

But right now, the only feeling that's been ever present, has been helplessness. I've never felt so small or insignificant before. Never been so weak or hopeless.

I'm just so tired. And I wish that things in my life were different. Or at least, simpler.

There are so many conflicting emotions going on within me right now, and I haven't the time nor the energy to sort them all out.

I know I'm speaking in vague generalities right now, but I'm afraid to be any more specific. All I will say is that, first dating sucks. Second, I have mixed feelings about the future of my life, and third, I'm sick of putting myself out there to get the same result every time. I'm not complaining. I'm just stating the facts. I've devised a playlist for this certain point in my life right now. Here are a few of the songs:

1.) You Can't Hurry Love by Phil Collins
2.) Just Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble
3.) I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt
4.) Just a Kiss by Lady Antebellum
5.) Last Kiss by Taylor Swift

Let me just end with this one wish. I hope there are high maintenance/bratty/ugly girls in Provo....


Saturday, June 18, 2011

My life according to Billy Joel

This is probably my favorite Billy Joel song ever. And it's very much applicable to me romantic life right now :) Enjoy the epicness that is Bill Joel's For the Longest Time:

Woa, oh, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woa, oh, oh
For the longest

If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do
I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time

Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know that happiness goes on
That's where you found me
When you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time

Woa, oh, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woa, oh, oh
For the longest

I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you
And how you needed me too
That hasn't happened for the longest time

Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've been hoping too hard
But I've gone this far
And it's more than I hoped for

Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances
I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time

I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself
Hold on to your heart
Now I know the woman that you are
You're wonderful so far
And it's more than I hoped for

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time

Woa, oh, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woa, oh,oh
For the longest time
Woa, oh, oh
For the longest time
Woa, oh, oh,
For the longest time

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Fear vs. Faith

At this time in my life, I'm facing a number of uncertainties. I hardly need to delve into what those are, but in case you're new to my life, here are the main three.

1. I'm graduating. Another way of saying, "I'm scared as all get out about my life after BYU-Idaho." I've grown so accustomed to this school, to this way of life, to this routine... how on earth am I supposed to adapt to life outside of this campus? Do I even want to? There's no doubt I wanna get out of here. Rexburg holds little pleasures for me now, unless those include long winters, no activities, no food joints other than frozen yogurt, and eighteen and nineteen year old girls obsessed with getting married.

2. I'm jobless. After this semester, I won't be a TA for a kick-a English teacher or even have my awful, dead-end, maximum-hours-for-minimum-wage painting job that I despise more than lima beans. I know what I don't want, which my family members are aware of. I don't want to go back to Georgia. Nothing good happened for me there. Nothing good ever happened for me there except for a small handful of good friends. It was the state where my dad died, it was the state where I had to go to my inane, ridiculous and traumatic middle & high schools, it was the state where I was miserable working for Chick-fil-a and it was the state that I equate all of my awkward, embarrassing and senseless mistakes in my life. I want to move to Provo. I want to be around the friends that I've made who are also in Provo as well as be by family friends. & I've been praying about it often, but thus far I haven't received an answer yet. Which is also frustrating.

3.Then finally, there's the mother of all frustrations and uncertainties. I have no idea what in the world is going on in my romantic life. There are a few options out there.... (and by few I really only mean one, with a few random guys who appear interested in me) but what it all comes down to is this one simple fact. I'm scared. Scared of opening up. Scared of letting another man into my life. I told myself, and Heavenly Father that I want nothing to do with boys at all. "Just let me get through this semester alive & graduated." That was all I asked for. And now, all of a sudden, it's like he's teasing me. Laughing at me. Don't want any complications with boys Megan? Ha! Well, how bout this? And then wham-o. Another boy. Another complication. Why can't life be more like an 80's pop song? "I just can't fight this feeling any longer?" or "I need you tonight." or "White wedding." An REO Speedwagon or INXS or Billy Idol song. But I guess life never is easy. Even in the 80's. But I guess the gallons of hairspray, bleached hair and glitter eyeliner probably helped. I'm just so tired of this game. I'm 22. I've had plenty of experience dating and putting myself out there. And I'm just so completely done.

I'm not quite sure what the point of this blog is. Maybe it's just to vent. (And if you're family commenting, PLEASE for the love of all that is holy don't give me advice about the GA vs. UT thing okay?)

I just need a little direction, or at the least some clarification. Because everything in my life right now is uncertain.


Saturday, May 28, 2011

Say (All I Need)

If my life required a soundtrack, I'm pretty sure this song would be on the album. Usually there are certain songs by certain artists that I'm drawn to for some reason. This particular song I was exposed to right before I went to Europe a year ago this semester. I listened to this song every single day of the trip because it emulated every single thing I was feeling the entire 6 weeks I was there.

"All I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head."

I never wanted to leave. Everyone else had boyfriends, family, fiancees or wives to go home to, and were ready to go back about a day or two before our trip came to an end. For me, I sank into a depression because I didn't want to go back. I felt like I finally came into myself on this trip I took. I finally came to a place where I was happy. Safe. Whole. Sound.

I started off as a soft mold at the beginning, and turned into a solid substance by the end of it. I didn't want to lose that. I never felt more at home than when I was in the convent in Rome, in the homeless shelter in Florence, on the lake in Austria, gallivanting with Leif in the quaint village in Fougeres, and drinking in the night air in Granada. I was at peace. Where else would I find that?

Yet, every time I listen to that song, it means more and more to me now than it did a year ago. I'm not sure why the meaning of it has changed so much. Maybe it's because I've changed, or my situation is harder than it was. Either way, this song has comforted me and helped me through days when I didn't even want to get out of bed, let alone take on the responsibilities I had. So, here's to you OneRepublic. And thank you.

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Did you trade it for something, somewhere
Better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong but nothings
Turned out how you want it

Well bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you wont let go
Of anything you hold
Well all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
You're best look
You're praying that you'll make it
Well bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you wont let go
Of anything you hold

Well all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Better than you have it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Better than you have it
Better than you have it

Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you know where the end is
Do you think you can see it
Until you get there
Go on
Go ahead and scream it
Just say

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


There was something I found in his eyes. Something so piercing and so penetrating in their gaze that it literally made me feel like my brain was turning into scrambled eggs. I felt naked. Exposed. Completely open, like a back door on the porch of my Georgia house. Seeing inside me, all the good and the not so good. All the traits I was proud of, and the ones I wish nobody knew about. As I watch him watch me in the darkness at 12:30 A.M. in my blue, rusty, bumper-sticker encased Honda Civic I feel as if for the first time, someone I scarcely knew, someone I met not seven hours earlier, knew everything there was to know about my twenty two years of existence. I was a puzzle put completely together. I was a rubix cube figured out. I was a sailor’s knot completely undone.

I was frightened. The only thing keeping my body strapped to the seat I was in was just my flesh and bone. Everything else was just superfluous. The steering wheel, the seatbelt, the roof of the car. All of it wasn’t really there. It was all relative. As he traced my face with his hand, stroked my arm and finally landed on my leg I couldn’t look at him anymore. Something flashed before my eyes, a memory, a nightmare that I wished to forget. I couldn’t meet his gaze for fear that he would see the same thing I saw.

It was a hospital. Not so out of the ordinary, and certainly not awfully portrayed like something from a Stephen King movie, but just a building. With doctors, nurses, scapels, and heart monitors. I’m in an elevator. A gray, metallic box shooting up about six stories to a floor where my family was waiting for me. I should have been at school, but I wasn’t complaining. Any place, even a hospital, was better than my middle school. The doors open, I walk out and there is my mother with tears strewn across her face. I was confused. My dad was out of surgery a week ago. The danger was behind us wasn’t it? This thought was quickly stripped from my mind as soon as she uttered her first words to me. “I’m sorry honey, he’s gone.” I heard her say it. I recognized the words uttered. But the synapses in my brain weren’t firing. There was no comprehension. He couldn’t be gone. He was just here! As her arms enveloped mine, I stayed frozen. Glued to the very spot where only seconds earlier, my world was complete. Together. Unified. But as she drew me in to hug me, my world was blasted apart. Like a ship after a cannonball blew through the rigging. My safe twelve year old universe was suddenly ripped open, torn from me as if the wind suddenly stole my kite and blew it thousands of miles away.
The tears started and seemed to never stop.

Now, ten years later, I sit in a dimly lit car, with a man who in no way resembles my father. The blue eyes, light hair and lean body doesn’t remind me of my father in the slightest. The inflections of his voice, his interests, his sense of humor and personality are 180 degrees opposite of my dead parent. But I suddenly knew why I was reminded of that horrible day a decade ago. As I watch this man, not a few inches away from me, I realize how dangerous I suddenly was. I was a grenade thrown across the battlefield with the pin out. Only moments away from combusting and throwing shrapnel everywhere. As I watch his hands draw closer to me, and see his eyes catch the glint of the street lamps as he leans in to me, I come to the realization that I am not safe. It wasn’t him. It was me. I couldn’t afford to lose myself, like I did on that January day. A man, whom I cared about so deeply. A man, who I admired and looked up to so much. A man, who was my guardian was snatched away from me in a moment. I couldn’t let that happen again.
There was no way I could possibly allow myself to feel the way I felt towards my father, towards this man sitting beside me. I couldn’t care about him. I couldn’t rely on him. I couldn’t trust him. And yet, I already knew it was too late. I cared about him a great deal more than I should have. Relied on him completely. And trusted him fully.

I am dangerous. I am combustible. I am flamible.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I just don't even know

Lately I have had tremendous feelings of being overwhelmed, confused and all around frustrated. As if school, work, church and photography side projects weren't enough to completely drown me, there are some other interesting contributers as well. Today I went to R mountain with a friend of mine and his roommates. I'm not sure why, there's no reason for it, but I was on the verge of tears the entire time. I have also been on the verge of tears for this entire week.


My life isn't bad. It's not perfect, but it's not bad. It's busy. It's complicated. But it's not bad. So why have I been feeling like I'm completely drowning? I can't seem to catch my breath. And it doesn't quite help that I've been having some strange and mixed feelings for the men in my life. I feel as if all the faculties of my soul have been poured out and nothings replenishing it. I try so hard to be a good person, to be nice to everyone (at least try to) and yet I feel as if from the people I rely on most, I don't quite get the same kind of reciprocation that I expect in return.

I don't ask for much, I don't think. Just a reassurance that I'll never be a burden, an obligation or a commodity. I ask for honesty, being completely upfront about everything. And lastly, I ask that I can come to you in my times of need & that you'll always be there. It won't take long. Just maybe a few minutes to get something off my chest and then have you hug me and tell me that everything that's going wrong in my life will be okay.

I ask that you don't toy with my emotions. I ask that you make it abundantly clear exactly what is going on at all times and that if something changes, you tell me as soon as it does.

Like the title of the post says, I just don't know. I hate not knowing. The unknown is my least favorite thing on this planet. But I feel like it's everywhere in my life right now.

I've been praying that the friends I've recently made would know I'm not usually a spaz/basketcase/flighty person. Because that's what I've been feeling recently. I feel like I haven't been myself. But the real problem is, do I even know who I really am? I thought I knew. I'm high strung, dramatic, emotionally driven, slightly eccentric, selfless, fiercely loyal, loving, easy-going and overall a nut job.

But is that really me? And how do I know if it's me when I act like it? I just don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I'm not even sure what I'm saying. All that I know is, I'm confused. And I wish that I could spill my guts out to someone, but I honestly don't know who has time or who even wants to listen.

Mega Mega

Sunday, April 24, 2011


So there is a specific reason why the title of my blog is "Fearless." There is a Colbie Caillat song that I really like that talks about this more:


If that's the way you love
You've got to learn so much
If that's the way you say goodbye

And this is how it ends
And I'm alright with it
You're never gonna see me cry
Cause I've cried

So go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless, fearless

If this is how it hurts
It couldn't get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall

Then that's the way it is
We live with what we miss
We learn to build another wall
Till it falls

I will be okay. This semester is a fresh start with many new people to meet and new memories to make. Although I'm still hurt because of what happened earlier this week I am cautiously optimistic.

I've been experiencing issues with trusting and relying on a certain person who I needed to confide in earlier this week. And instead of feeling like I can go to him and be able to talk with him freely, I feel incredibly insignificant and invisible to him. A burden. An obligation. I'm probably completely wrong, but it's just what I've been feeling the past few days.

Either way, I know I have good people in my life right now that I can always rely on. Who have always been there for me and I believe always will be. And in spite of my attachment issues and my abandonment problems, I am still trying to grapple with my faith in people.

This is a new start. A new beginning. And I have a feeling that this semester will be the best semester I've had in a long time. Now that I'm purged of some toxic things in my life, it's time to make my life full and satisfying.


Thursday, March 31, 2011

It's really hard to get over a person

when he CONSTANTLY plagues my dreams. How can my conscious get over this guy if my subconscious keeps pulling him to the forefront of my mind when I'm asleep? This is really starting the piss me off. I've never dreamed about a guy that I've dated before. Unless it had something to do with foreshadowing which did happen once. I dreamt that the guy I was dating broke up with me and the next day he did. But other than that, I've never had this be an issue. I've dreamt of this guy twice since we broke up a week and a half ago. I'm trying desperately not to text him, desperately not to think of him, desperately not listen to songs that remind me of him... And I thought I was somewhat succeeding until night comes, and even though I try to fill my mind with Mystery Science Theater or Robert Frost or Spanish, my mind constantly turns to him once I'm asleep.

The killer part about this, is that I doubt he's even dreamed of me once.

When is spring break again?


Monday, March 28, 2011

A Little Bit Stronger

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

The only way I could possibly end up dating or trusting a man is if he proves to me that he won't leave. I'm sick of empty promises. Prove to me that you won't stop loving me. Prove to me that you're not gonna be a douche-bag. Prove to me that I'm worth it to you. Actions do speak louder than words. And before I give 110% of myself to another guy is if he's going to do just that. Prove it.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I truly hate 'I don't knows'

Right now in my life, I feel like there is a large quantity of uncertainties that I'm trying to sift through.

I hate not knowing where my life is going, what I'm going to do or where I'm going to be after I graduate, or what I'm to expect out of my current relationship within the next few months.

I know it's an unfair judgment. I shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch, both in an optimistic or pessimistic attitude. But I feel like there's too many variables. Too many unknowns. Maybe this is why the ocean makes me nervous. Not knowing exactly what's below you as your swimming. The slight chance that you'll get sucked under or eaten by a shark.

I am content. Happy even. But I think I'm getting very weary and frustrated with all these vague inclinations that seem to be thrown at me on a daily basis. In more than one area of my life.

I'm not saying I want everything to clear up, the sky to be the perfect shade of blue or the world to suddenly stop throwing me curveballs. But what I would so like is for a little more certainty. A little more clarity.

I understand I'm being directed little by little. But I feel like this is a time in my life where I know the least about where I'm headed. Every other season of my life I at least knew generally where I was going. Now I don't even know that.

Combine that with my period & my dad's birthday tomorrow, I'm an emotional mess. Hopefully by next week I'll be more stable.

I am fine. I'm not really disappointed or depressed. Just mildly frustrated with my current predicament. It's no one's fault. It's just the nature of the beast.

I'm not asking for any visitations or bolts of lightning, I'm just asking for a whisper or maybe a light drizzle.


Friday, March 11, 2011

Why do I do the things I do?

I've been frustrated and irritated with myself all day today. I don't understand what the deal is with me. I don't understand why I get attached so easily. I don't understand why I fall so fast. I don't understand how I can trust people so quickly. I don't understand why I get sensitive about some things, and I certainly don't understand my own psychology.

Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot.

I look at the calender today and realize that my father's birthday is in 6 days. Next week is gonna be a happy week for Megan.

I'm just so angry with him. I've never gotten angry about my dad before. Sure, my family would joke about getting up there and beating him up or giving him a piece of our mind, but I never took it seriously.

Now it's safe to say, I'm genuinely pissed off at him. Why the eff did he leave us? Why the eff did he leave me? Never before did I use my dad as a serious scape-goat, and every time I did it wouldn't be for very long. I'd recognize that I was blaming him for my current predicament and I'd stop and take responsibility for it.

But right now, I'm blaming him. I'm blaming him for the fact that if he had stuck around at least until I started dating that maybe I wouldn't be so screwed up. I'm blaming him for the unhealthy relationships I've been in. And I'm blaming him for trying to sabotage my current healthy relationship now. If I wasn't so damn clingy, so damn pathetic when it comes to men and relationships in general, maybe I'd be married by now. If I wasn't so much of a freakin basketcase maybe I would actually be okay with being alone. If I wasn't so easily attached and had the men in my life fill the void of my father maybe I wouldn't break up when I gotten broken up with.

I hate myself for this. And what's worse is the fact that it's not a fixable problem. I'm gonna carry this bull shit around for the rest of my natural life. There's not a pill I can take to cure me from being a whiney, annoying, moody, bratty girlie girl when it comes to my dad. I'm gonna always have attachment issues. They're never gonna go away. I hate knowing that.

My counselor that I'm seeing told me to maybe let in some of the emotions that I had been feeling towards my dad to surface or come naturally and not cover them up. Well, this is me doing exactly that.

So thanks Dad. Oh & happy birthday.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Beyond the Sea

Somewhere beyond the sea,
Somewhere waiting for me,
My lover stands on golden sands
And watches the ships that go sailing.

Somewhere beyond the sea
She's there watching for me.
If I could fly like birds on high
Then straight to her arms I'd go sailing

It's far beyond the star,
It's near beyond the moon.
I know beyond a doubt
My heart will lead me there soon

We'll meet beyond the shore
We'll kiss just like before
And happy we'll be beyond the sea
And never again I'll go sailing

I know beyond a doubt
My heart will lead me there soon
We'll meet, I know, we'll meet beyond the shore
We'll kiss just as before
And happy we will be beyond the sea
And never again I'll go sailing

No more sailing
So long, sailing, sailing, no more sailing

Good-bye, farewell my friend, no more sailing

So long sailing, no more sailing

No more, farewell...

No more sailing

My favorite place to listen to this song is in a living room, dancing with someone :)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

It's changing out there...

I felt somewhat inspired to write about this. And I'm sure my sissy, living in Kuwait, will appreciate it as well :)

Recently, in my Islamic Humanities class I've been learning a lot about the culture of the Middle East, caliphs, Sunnis vs Shiites, mosques, the Quran and so much more. There is a particular issue that is occuring at this moment in that part of the world that is really amazing me. And I mean, jaw on the ground, eyes popping out of my skull amazement.

Right now, in Egypt, Libya, Tunisia, Yemen, Oman, Bahrain, and Iran there are protests, uprisings, and revolts of citizens against their tyrannical totalitarian leaders. Some have succeeded (Egypt basically forced President Mubarak out of office & the entire people have turned the government over to the military.) and some have not, or haven't yet.

What I wanted to point out is the fantastic opportunity this is for the Gospel to finally make it to the Middle East- a region of the world that only a miracle would cause these countries to open their doors to missionaries. The exact thing could have been said of the Iron Curtain and communism nearly 60 years ago.

I am incredibly hopeful for the future. How wonderful would it be in 10 or 15 years to be called to the Baghdad, Iraq mission? Or the Manama, Bahrain mission? Call me a hopeless romantic or an extreme optimist but I do think this is the beginning of a new chapter for the Middle East. I'm sure it'll take much longer for things to settle down. Let's face it, Africa and the Middle East are always in a state of unrest and chaos. But this could be a turning point in their history, as well as ours.

Someday soon, I predict, the Gospel of Jesus Christ will go to the Middle East. It will finally touch all the corners of the Earth. This is an exciting time to be alive to whitness the winding down of this last dispensation and the beginnings of the Second Coming.

Keep the Islamic community in your prayers!


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

That was a 180

Things have turned around substantially. And it only took a 3 hour car ride & a McDonalds chocolate shake. Let's just say, that things are back to the way I wanted them to be, and that I'm happy.

I know that there will be a general voice of concern with this turn-around, especially since everybody knows how easily attached I get, but I actually do feel good about the situation, and so does he. Yes, there is always a fear that I'll be in the same boat 3 months from now, but for now I have my answer. I feel very at peace with this. And, I know that I should be here, dating this man at this point in time.

Whether or not things will end is irrelevant at present. Because it's so much more than just seeing if it's the right fit. What it's about, and has been from the get go, is learning. Learning everyday, about myself, about a healthy relationship and about growing as a person.

I'm still going to get counseling. I'm very much aware of the things that I carry, of the weight that is on my shoulders and has been on my shoulders since I was 12 years old. But it's getting fixed. I'm definitely not who I was or where I was 6 months ago or even 3 months ago. I'm stronger. Better. Happier.

And these all have to do with the decisions that I've made to be happy. This man has helped quite a lot, but that's not all. I made the decision before anything happened to be happier. Now I have someone to share that happiness with.

Please, don't worry about me. I firmly believe this is the right path to take at this time.


Here's another Phil Collins song to relate to this current situation

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up
Cuz you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

I blame BYU-I, Mormon culture & my dad

What it all boils down to is I get attached too easily. I blame my dad for this. Having the most important male figure in my life taken away from me before puberty screwed me up more than I realized. I don't realize this on a day to day basis...Until I get dumped. Then my entire world falls apart. I break up. I crumble into a million little pieces and for weeks I'm not even remotely like myself. I become completely and totally immersed in this main guy in my life, give everything to him, try so hard to be a good girlfriend, then when he leaves, I'm a basketcase.

Then, I spend the next few weeks trying to reinvent myself, dye my hair, buy new clothes, reread my books, rewatch Beauty & the Beast. Then, I'm constantly reminded by people on campus who hold hands, pick out engagement rings, and NUMEROUS TALKS ABOUT FAMILY & DATING AT CHURCH AND DEVOTIONALS that remind me that I'm single. For this, I blame BYU-I and Mormon culture. The constant pressure to get married and start a family is everywhere. There's absolutely no escaping it.

I can't wait to graduate and get out of this place. BYU-I has been great for me. It's a terrific school and I've learned a lot spiritually, and mentally. I've grown as a person & my testimony has never been stronger. But I'm ready to get out of this place that reminds me that at 21, almost 22, I'm basically a spinster.


Monday, February 28, 2011

Against All Odds

Phil Collins never said it better:

How can I just let you walk away,
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain,
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me
Is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
Cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you,
Well that's all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
Cause I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take, oh, oho

Just take a look at me now

The sun will rise again. Right now, it blows. Blows chunks. But I know it'll get better. I just need some down time.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Cloths of Heaven by W. B. Yeats

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

This poem epitomizes exactly what I'm feeling at this particular moment in my life. I have very little to give, but I'm more than willing to give everything I have for a person that I care deeply about.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Belated Valentine's Day post

So, I forgot to kind of gush about what my Computer Man did for me for the dreaded V-day that I usually despise.

Needless to say, he did a VERY good job :) I've never actually had a decent Valentine's day, but this past one was, in a word, epic.

It started off okay, mostly I was stressing about what on earth am I gonna do for him. I mean, what do you do for a guy on the Day of Love? It just seems like a big, fat piece of irony to me. I finally figured it out, and ended up making him a million little notes and putting them all over his car & to put the icing on the cake, I put hershey's kisses all on the roof of his car. He seemed to really enjoy that :)

Then, I went home and found my bed made (for those that don't know me, I never make my bed or anything like unto it), a single carnation, sour patch kids & sweet & sour gummy lifesavers (that are my FAVORITE candy ever!!!) and then a printed out sheet of paper that had the formula: r= 1.1-sin (theta) and a blurb underneath it that said,

"If you graph the formula in polar coordinate it creates a heart as you see below (and below it, of course, was a big heart on a graph!). I just couldn't think of a better way for your nerdy man to show his feelings than through math! Happy Valentine's Day!"

How adorable is that?! We both kind of did what our majors entailed in order to show each other how gushy we can be especially on V-day!

It's going well :)


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Current Update

For fear of getting a head of myself, or jumping the gun a bit, I'm just going to give a brief overview of what's been going on the past 3 weeks or so.

Yes, I have a guy that I'm dating.
Yes, I'm very happy.
Yes, I'm very nervous for what the future brings, especially with my track record for men.
No, there is no talk of the "m" word or the "l" word as of yet.
No, I'm not rushing into anything. In fact, both me & the handsome mathematician man are taking things very slow.

I'm going to do things a little differently this time. He makes me happy and we're just going to enjoy each other's company for right now. We'll see where things go =)


Thursday, February 17, 2011

It feels like something off of Bambi....

Haha so basically, the past 3 weeks or so feels like a certain song from Disney's classic animal loving movie, Bambi.
I am thoroughly twitterpated. :)
and I am not ashamed!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Playlist for this semester

& not in any particular order:

1. Fearless by Colbie Caillat
2. It is What it Is by Lifehouse
3. Waiting for the End by Linkin Park
4. Little Miss by Sugarland
5. Colder Weather by Zac Brown Band
6. Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros
7. Say (All I Need) by OneRepublic
8. Go the Distance by Roger Bart
9. True Colors by Phil Collins
10. The Man Who Can't be Moved by The Script
11. Grenade by Bruno Mars
12. Make You Feel My Love by Adele
13. The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars
14. I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath
15. Had Enough by Breaking Benjamin
16. Wasted by Carrie Underwood
17. Cheer, up Charlie by Diana Sowle
18. Not Afraid by Eminem
19. The Last Song I'm Wasting on You by Evanescence

All these songs somehow relate to my life in some way this semester. & every time I listen to them, I feel better about my situation. I begin to have hope. I start to heal. I get a little closer to becoming whole again.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Lessons continually being learned

This past week & weekend has been one of the hardest I've had in a while. And it mostly all relates back to a simple concept that I never thought I'd ever have an issue with. Forgiveness.

I've always thought nothing could possibly prevent me from instantly forgiving anyone for hurting me in any way, shape or form.

But I've come to a conclusion, the people who I did forgive I barely knew. Or they didn't mean as much to me, or it just wasn't that big of a deal. I've discovered I've had a harder time forgiving someone who I care deeply about. A person who I felt ripped my heart to pieces. It's easier to forgive a complete stranger. It's harder to forgive someone you love who hurt you in the worst way possible.

I do believe I'm on the mend. Maybe the reason why I'm having such a hard time with this is because this is the first situation where I've dealt with this. I've never quite had the same experience like the one I've had recently.

But I am making progress. At least, I hope I am. I don't like this feeling of disappointment, shame and resentment. I feel guilty about it every time.

I know that I just need time. Let's face it, I ended up hurting myself because I didn't have time to heal and take care of me when all was said and done. It was foolish of me to think that this wouldn't happen. And I hope that this experience will strengthen my love for Heavenly Father's children and my Savior. So for the record, I'm trying really hard to be a better person and forgive more easily from here on out.


Monday, February 7, 2011

What I want,

I'd like to be a priority not a commodity. I'd like to be Plan A not Plan B. I'd like to actually be thought of without having to ask. I'd like to do nice things for someone, spend quality time & do acts of service with reciprocation.

I'd like to be loved forever, and not for a month or two.

I'd like to be worth it to someone.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

I'm Not Who I Was

I wish you could see me now,
I wish I could show you how,
I'm not who I was.

I used to be mad at you.
A little on the hurt side too,
But I'm not who I was.

I found my way around,
to forgivin' you, some time ago,
But I never got to tell you...


I found us in a photograph,
I saw me and I had to laugh,
Ya' know, I'm not who I was.

You were there you were right above me,
and I wonder if you ever loved me.
Just for who I was.

When the pain came back again;
like a bitter friend.
It was all that I could do,
To keep myself from blaming you.


Thinkin' it's a funny thing,
I figured out I can sing,
Now I'm not who I was

I write about love and such,
maybe 'cause, I want it so much,
I'm not who I was

I was thinkin' maybe I,
should let you know,
that I am not the same,
But I never did forget your name.


But the thing that I find most amazing,
in amazing grace,
Is the chance to give it out,
Maybe that's what love is all about.

I wish you could see me now,
I wish I could show you how,
I'm not who I was.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

First time getting stitches!

Ever. And boy are they a be-yotch.

To give some background as to how this happened, let me explain. See, what had happened was, for a few years now I've had this really weird, spider bite-looking lump in the crevice between my leg and pelvis. Needless to say, it's a very bizarre spot to have a cyst. Anyways, I've had it since I could remember, about 13 or 14 years old. I just kind of thought it was an ingrown hair or something and I thought it would go away eventually.

Well, it didn't. Years passed and it gradually got bigger. I thought that maybe I should get it looked at, could be cancerous, but I always brushed it off and thought, since I'm not dead, it must not be cancer. So I didn't worry about it as much.

Friday night, it turned an ugly shade of red and started throbbing. The next day it didn't feel any better so I decided to get it looked at officially. I figured I'd waited long enough.

So I got to the community care center in Rexburg and the doctor looks at, prods it, pokes at it for a good five minutes & tells me I have a "sebaceous cyst" which is basically where your sebaceous glands under your skin fills up and gets clogged with all kinds of nasty crap. Mine was in the process of getting infected.

He gave me two options, the first was to give me antibiotics and see if it gets a little better or to remove it entirely with just a small surgical procedure. Needless to say, I told him he might as well get rid of it, since I'm not gonna want to explain that sucker to my husband on our wedding night.

So he numbs my skin, and starts goin to town. A few times he stops to mention how large this thing is & tells me it's in such an awkward spot to operate on. Yah. In more ways than one pal. Why do you think I wear shorts over my bathing suit?

30 minutes later he finally stitches me up, and tells me that he has to stitch me up inside me and outside me. Awesome! Then he lets me look at the crap he pulled out of me.

I took pictures of it & sent it to my brother to see how bad the grossness factor really was on a scale of 1-10. I got a 22, and a "you sick bastard!" out of that text message so it basically got the reaction I wanted :)

I would post them on here, but I still want people to read my blog in the years to come! Haha.

Anywho, let's just say it was a very productive day for me. I'm all stitched up, I hurt like a mo-fo, but I'm very relieved to have this thing off my body. I'll be able to unabashedly wear a swim suit come July =)


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Time to drug up

I made a decision today that I hopefully won't regret in the future.

I've realized that I can't do this anymore by myself. I had a blow up the other night, after a lot of little things started adding up with other big things. What it all boils down to is this:

I'm miserable.

For many reasons. All of which lead back to the fact that I'm lonely. That the guys that I depend on so fully in my life won't always be there, whether it's by their choice or not. And it's my personal belief that maybe I still have unresolved issues concerning my dad and the fact that I have attachment issues that I thought was taken care of back in high school. Well, turns out, it's definitely not.

So, I'm on the waiting list at the counseling center, and tomorrow I'm going to set up an appointment with a doctor.

Because I just can't do this anymore. Every time I get stressed out, every time I deal with the whiplash of a broken heart, I always bottle it up & keep it in until it explodes. Which is precisely what happened. I behave irrationally. I lash out at people I care about. And then I'm constantly overwhelmed with this feeling of utter guilt that seems to drown me.

This is one roller coaster that I refuse to ride anymore.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I hate Januarys

9 years ago today was the crappiest day of my life. At a pivotal age, 12 years old, my dad was taken from me abruptly. Ever since then, I've never been the same. Ever since then, I've never stopped thinking about how different my life would be had he stuck around.

There was a girl in my ward who gave a lesson in Relief Society, & mentioned how she lost her cousin but luckily now she's "over it" through prayer & the Atonement and how she ended up being "okay with everything". I have no doubt that the Savior can lift us up in times of trial & affliction. But you don't "get over" losing someone, I'm sorry. No matter how much you pray. Maybe that's just me. Say I don't have "enough faith" or that I don't "rely on the Savior" like I should. But when all is said & done, I'm not gonna "be okay" until I see him again.

That is just one of the reasons why I'm not a fan of Relief Society--is when people say ignorant comments like that. She probably meant well. But the fact of the matter is, I will never get over losing one of the most important people of my life. I will never be okay with him not being here anymore.

You don't get over losing a parent to death. You're never okay with never seeing them again until you die. That's just the facts of life.

So dad, when I do end up seeing you again, I'm gonna sock you in the gut. Then give you the biggest hug in the world.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The 6 month plan

1.) Get through this semester without sticking my head in the oven.
2.) Graduate.
3.) Move to Utah.
4.) Start my career.
5.) Start living.

I think it's a pretty good plan so far. Just needs some tweaking. But I like it.


Sunday, January 9, 2011

A new semester has begun...

Well, it's finally here. A new semester, a fresh start. Which means new worries, new stresses and new mental breakdowns. All I can really say is that my stomach is definitely the place where I put all my stress. I have had more upset stomachs this week than I have the past 5 years.

To start off my stress, I'm taking 15 credits, which I know doesn't sound like that much, but 3 of them are upper division English classes, as well as an Islamic Humanities course & Spanish Literature (the entire class is conducted in Spanish. Joy.) On top of that I have my T.A. job, which I love & wouldn't give up for the world, and then just on Friday I recently got another part time job on campus as a scenic artist in the drama building painting scenery for plays. Try all that, plus balancing church callings AND a social life AND downtime for myself.... well let's just say that it's gonna be a juggling experiment.

Needless to say, this is going to be the hardest semester yet as far as classes go. But I am grateful for that. The busier I am the less time I have to worry about things that I can't control. The busier I am the less depression I have. However, I can already feel my blood pressure rise and my anxiety is at an all time high.

I got a blessing today from one of my good guy friends. I didn't realize how much pressure and stress I had been under until he was standing behind me getting ready to place his hands on my head. I started crying even before the blessing started! But I am so grateful, so thankful to him for always being there for me. I know I can go to him and any number of my good friends and roommates for anything, which is what I'm really going to need this semester.

After the blessing, I did feel much better about my situation. I had been fearful all week, and finally broke down crying in my car last night because I was so worried about my future and so anxious about where my life was going, if I had accomplished anything at all and where I was going to end up in 5 years. I honestly thought I'd be in a different place by now, that I'd be farther along than I already am.

There's an unfair stigma that seems to arise in the Church about single females who graduate from college unmarried. Like we failed in some aspect, or we didn't "have enough faith" or didn't try hard enough, or that we just didn't want to get married in the first place. I cannot tell you how untrue those kind of attitudes are. I cannot tell you how many times I've put myself out there, made myself look presentable on a daily basis and attended all of my meetings faithfully, and yet at the end of every semester there is no ring on my left hand.

And I've finally come to a place in my life where I'm actually okay with that. It took several breakups, hours upon hours of blessings, and weeks of introspection to finally get to the point that I'm at right now. I was never happy being single. I always tied my dreams, hopes and happiness to a man that I was dating. And when the break up occurred, it nearly broke me up. But now I'm actually okay. I don't particularly enjoy being alone on Friday nights, or watching other couples walk happily around on the temple grounds, but it doesn't destroy me like it used to.

Now I may be eating my words by the end of next week, or if I happen to start dating someone and it ends like it usually does, I may be back to where I was before. But as of right now, I see a light at the end of this "single" tunnel. I know now, and I feel more sure than ever that things will work out the way they should. I want to be a wife more than anything. And eventually a mother. I can't express how much I want to give all the love and affection that I have to a person that I promise forever with. But I don't have that much control over it. And I'm not going to waste another sleepless night worrying about what's wrong with me and analyzing and picking myself apart over and over and over again to try to find out why it hasn't happened to me yet.

There's a great story by Shel Silverstein called The Missing Piece Meets the Big O. I encourage everyone to read it at some point or at least have it for when you have kids or nieces or nephews of your own. It's a great story about how you need to be able to stand on your own, and follow your own dreams instead of trying to fit yourself into someone else's.

So go on go on and break my heart
I'll be okay there's nothing you can do to me
That's ever gonna bury me

So go on go on and leave my love
Out on the street I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless fearless

If it's between love and losing
And to never have known the feeling I'd still side with love
And if I end up lonely at least I will be there knowing I believe in love

Go on go on and break my heart
I'll be okay I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless fearless

And right now, I am fearless.