Changes

This week is full of changes. Some of them good, some of them painful.

To start off with, I'm getting the opportunity to do a real professional engagement shoot tomorrow through Woodland Wedding Photography, my other part-time job. I'm both excited and stressed about it. The girl who I'm doing it for, I've never met, and has 0 ideas & 0 suggestions, making me not only the photographer but the idea man & the prop master.... needless to say, I don't need the additional worry.

On top of it all, she chooses the last day I'll be able to see one specific person for a few months while he's doing summer sales till September. I haven't blogged about him mostly just I don't jinx myself but also because I don't want to seem like that girl who's obsessive, desperate & pathetically twitterpated. The fact of the matter is simply this:

I'm gonna miss him. A lot.


But of course, I don't admit it nor tell him this because I'm too afraid and far too prideful & stubborn to admit I'm getting a little attached.

As the days are winding down & we're spending our last few nights together it's slowly starting to dawn on me that I'm really going to have a hard time saying goodbye.

I already have a hard time saying goodbye anyways, to family members, friends, roommates. But when it's a guy that I really care for, it's even harder.

I've been refusing to bring it up on purpose, but I've been losing sleep over what's to come. What happens next? What'll become of "us"? Is there even an "us" to begin with? Is it all in my head?

Let's just hope I don't completely lose it & start crying Thursday night. The last thing I want is to come off as a psychotic, whimpy, whiney little girl.


xoxo
Megatron

I'm Batman

This post is dedicated to a particular goofy, spaz-oid black cat how occasionally spends the night in our house. His name is Batman :)

Now I'm usually a lover of all animals, but I typically prefer dogs to cats. And big dogs, I might add. But for whatever reason, my roommates & I have fallen in love with this dog-like feline. Plus he's just so photogenic anyways! Heres' what I've come up with so far.

Leave love!

xoxox
Megatron

My favorite song as of late :)

So, I realize that I don't want to risk sounding cheesy or lame or completely girly in this post. But what the heck! I am cheesy, I am lame sometimes & I am a full-fledged bonafide girl! & darn proud of it!

So recently, with this past month & a half my experiences have led me to love a certain song by Lady Antebellum entitled Just a Kiss and another song called Kiss Me Slowly by Parachute.

With all of my relationships, they have always gotten super physical super fast. This song tenderly reminds me that it's okay to take things slow. That I can say no when I'm feeling pressured to give more than I feel comfortable with.

I have started to realize that I'm slowly becoming a paranoid scaredy-cat when it comes to relationships and actually committing to something that could be very worthwhile. But with these two songs, I'm reminded to take a leap of faith, and as long as I'm watching where I'm falling, that it's okay to fall in love. Even if it is for the 5th or 6th time :) So enjoy these two songs that are the soundtrack of my life as of right now.

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this, let's just take it slow...


Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No I don't wanna mess this thing up
I don't wanna push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright 
With just a kiss goodnight

And it's hard to love again

When the only way has been,

When the only love you know

Just walked away

If it's something that you want

Baby you don't have to run

You don't have to go

Just stay with me,

Baby stay with me.

Well I'm not sure what this is gonna be

But with my eyes closed all I see 

Is the sky line through the window

The moon above you & the streets below

Hold my breath as you're moving in

Taste you lips & feel your skin

When the time comes

Baby don't run

Just kiss me slowly....

xoxo Megatron 

The Writer

So my critical self may point out that her mouth & smile are a little weird but I am in love with this song! It's the epitome of everything I love about art and music all wrapped up into one. <3 It's called the Writer by Ellie Goulding & it's beautiful.

Enjoy lovelies!

Fearless

So, I've been thinking a lot about fear vs. faith. Recently, this week I've had two very good friends who have had fear and have turned to me for words of encouragement.

There is a reason why the title of this blog is Fearless. I've had many examples of fearlessness in my life. My sister is probably the best example I can think of. Her panic disorder causes her to be scared for no apparent reason, yet she is the most bold and brave woman I've ever known. It's a conundrum. A contradiction. But she has been an example to me that you can overcome fear even if you cannot control where that fear comes from.

These two dear girls that I love so much have reminded me about taking a leap of faith. One of them is fearful of the consequences of moving out to Utah because she's comfortable in Georgia. It's all she's ever really known, yet she yearns and desires for an adventure. For a new start.

The other is nervous of putting herself in a potentially compromising situation. She may risk losing her pride & getting hurt from a person she cares about deeply.

I don't think it's a coincidence that my own fears came to mind as I was pondering their situations. Recently, I've had fear of the future and fear of letting myself open up to someone, fear of possibly falling in love. Typically I try and cover up these fears by careful apathy and listlessness or by my false fearless bravado.

Yet I was thinking about these two remarkable women and myself, and trying to figure out how to help assuage their own fears, several quotes and song lyrics came to mind.

The first is a poem by Sarah Williams:
Though my soul may set in darkness,
it will rise in perfect light.
I have loved the stars too fondly
to be fearful of the night.

The second is a song by Christina Perri called A Thousand Years:

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer...

And the last thing I thought of was a quote from Harry Potter:
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that.

What I've learned is through it all, fear has never gotten any person anywhere. If anything, it is a paralyzer. A venom from a poisonous spider or snake. If we constantly live our lives fearing, we'll never be able to explore new people, discover new things and enjoy new opportunities. I have learned that I'd much rather love more, and fear less than hurt less and fear more. I don't care what the future brings, it doesn't matter. I'll meet it head on when it does come. I'm not going to be afraid of the question, "What if...?"

So whether I get my heart broken or move from job to job 1,000 more times, I'm counting on the 1,001 or 1,002nd time of getting something right.

xoxo
Mega-Mega

Inspiration

Inspiration is a funny thing. It's kind of like a faucet that doesn't quite have an on or off function. Sometimes inspiration flows forth and it's unstoppable. You can't gather up all of everything because it's simply too much to remember. Other times, it drips and drops randomly through out the day, but it's not enough to sustain you. I've recently been going through a creative drought so to speak. But recently I've come across several people who've inspired me and have given me motivation to do better & push the boundaries a little bit.

Copyrighted Alex Beadon Photography

Copyrighted Laura Ferreira Studios

Copyrighted Lara Jade Photography

Hopefully these artists don't mind me showcasing their work on my blog :) I've loved them so much for being my unofficial muses & I can only hope to aspire to even be half as amazing and talented as they are <3

Loves to all!

Mega-Shark

Finding a Needle in a Haystack

Do you ever feel like sometimes you're grasping at straws? Like you're trying to find a needle in a haystack?

Sometimes I feel as if I come so close to finding what it is that I'm looking for, whether it's a job or a future husband and yet when I take a second glance at it, whatever it is, when I start to look closely at it I realize it's only a shadow, a faint glimmer, a pale comparison of what it is I really want. What I really need.

This realization struck me as I got a text message from a boy I've had a crush on for almost a year. We sort of dated for a short season and then he proceeded to tell me he couldn't commit to me for some reason he couldn't tell. He's still a dear friend and I still care for him a great deal, but I've realized that every guy I've seriously or even cavalierly dated hasn't been good enough. I've been unsatisfied with each and every one of them. Why? Sure there have been people who have taught me things, shown me things, and have not treated me like dirt. But why is it I grow so weary of going on pointless dates with guys I can only describe as "skim milk?" No passion. No fire. No ambition. No flavor. No meat. Everything is "okay" or "good" or "alright." I'm sick of indifference. I'm sick of apathy. I'm sick of feeling nothing. Have a damn opinion about something for once in your life. Get pissed. Get frustrated. Swear. Get upset. Get goofy. Get sarcastic. Do something! Have an emotion that isn't "okay" for crying out loud.


There have been so many jobs, so many locations, so many guys that have been prevalent in my life. So many things I've experienced. So many things have come and gone. And yet when all is said & done, I feel so unsatisfied. I feel so hungry. So empty.

I feel as if I get so close to what it is that I want. But at the end of the day, nothing is ever really good enough. Nothing has ever really held me fully.

And I'm getting really tired of it. I just want to feel completely content. Completely fulfilled. I want to feel as if I've accomplished something in every facet of my life.

Why is it that I feel like nothing is good enough in my life? Why do I want more of something? I don't even know what I want more of & that's half the problem.

I don't know if I'm making sense. All I know is that something has got to change. I'm sick of feeling like stagnant water. I need someone or something to challenge my thinking, my creativity, my world. Someone who'll rock the boat and frustrate me to no end but keeps giving me the encouragement to go on, to try more, to succeed. I need a muse. Or a cabana boy. One of the two.


xoxo
Megs