Self-Aware

I'm sure everyone has moments like this. Moments where they see themselves as something different than what they pictured. Moments where their perception of themselves have become skewed. They become "self-aware."

Before recently I never understood really what it meant when people talked about being "self-aware." I knew the definition of it, of course. I had read it thousands of times in books and poetry. But I never actually knew what it meant in regards to me and my life.

Someone close to me made me very much self-aware not 24 hours ago about the things I do and the way I act in my life.

I had always thought that I was a good, decent person. That my flaws and imperfections were things that I was aware of, things that I knew I had. I never imagined that there were things that I did wrong, things that I fell short on that I was not aware of. That thought never crossed my mind.

I knew the basics. My swearing problem. My impatience. My stinginess. My temper. My insecurity. But I never thought that I was capable of doing things, unconscious or not, that were not in my nature. I never thought that the things I spoke against on a daily basis, the things I swore I'd never be folly to, would be the very flaw I possessed myself. That thought never crossed my mind, not for a second.

And now I find myself in a very interesting situation. I am now the hypocrite. I am now the girl with that problem. I am now the issue.

I was accused of several things I always thought I'd never be capable of doing.
1. Stringing people along, or "playing the game" as it were. I always thought girls who did that to guys were despicable, shallow and emotionally stunted. Now I realize that whether conscious or unconscious, I have done that and up until fairly recently I am doing that. It both shocked, horrified and hurt me when I found this out. And then I started asking myself questions trying to figure out why, if I do this at all. Have all of my experiences with the douchebags I've dated, and especially the most recent ones here in Utah really hardened me and cast a cement compound around my heart where I've become just as superficial as the guys who hurt me? Just as cold and unfeeling as they are when they abandoned me? Was it that? I know I never was like this before, or was I? Does knowing someone likes you, not feeling for them like that but still keeping them in your company constitute as "stringing them along"? You don't kiss them, hold their hand or cuddle with them ever, but you still hang out with them every so often and go to movies with them and grab dinner with them. But that's it. Is that being a "player"? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Where does the line cross from just friends to being selfish and keeping them close to you just so you're not lonely? And what of the other way? What if I do feel for them so deeply, want them desperately in my life but end up not being 100% sure of them still being in my future? Do I continue seeing them just to see if things change, see if it's supposed to be, see if it's right? Or do I cut and run because I'm scared of hurting him or hurting myself or both?
2. Not being 100% genuine. I always thought I was good at being honest with myself and with others. But what if I'm not? I was asked by this person I care about "Who are you really? Where's the real Megan?" Well, how am I supposed to answer that? Hell if I know. I don't know who I am. I thought I did. I know who I want to be. I want to be a good, honest, loving person. I want to be true to myself and to other people. To not be fake and to not put on a mask. I want to be selfless. Compassionate. Affectionate. To put myself last. But I'm nowhere near being any of those things apparently. I'm 22. College graduate. European traveler. English Major. Aspiring Writer and Photographer. 5'10". Skinny. Unsure at times. But who am I really? The simple Reader's Digest version is simple. I just don't know. How is it that I can be at this age and have done as much as I have, seen as much as I've seen and yet not know this simple answer to a simple question. You'd think at this age I'd know by now.

So here it is. I'm a 22 year old, quasi-tramp, who doesn't know who she is, who strings people along because she's really selfish and who grapples at straws to try to salvage what she's damaged. There you have it.

I guess the one thing I can take away from this experience is to be wary of the things I do. To not just do what I do because that's what I've always done. The one thing I can remember is I can correct the mistakes I've made so they never hurt any one else.

I'm sure this is all just a product of my frustration and disappointment with the way my life is going right now, but I'm just gonna leave it at that. Good night.

xoxo
Mega-Mega

This song pretty much sums up my feelings:

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one