Story of My Life

Probably the worst moment for any individual is a break up. 

But I would venture to say that reliving a broken heart, and falling back in love with a person you know will never love you back is even more awful. 

I've been pretty proud of myself that the past few blog posts hasn't been about a breakup or how awful a guy has treated me, so to spare all of the gory, unnecessary details, I'll just say this:

I can't get over a guy who's in my same ward and who I work with at least once a week in sharing the same calling. I thought I was over him well over a year ago but the truth is I was only deluding myself. 

I'm crazy about him. & he'll never be crazy about me. 

& you know what, that's okay. It happens. It's only supposed to work out once right? That's why we date. But the truth is, I can't do this anymore. 

The hard part is, he's one of my closest friends, even one of my best guy friends. I have relied on him for multiple blessings & he's even been wonderful enough to assist me financially & to bail me out of the worst monetary crises I've had this year. 

Recently, though I've realized I'm in love with him. But he has no idea. He's completely oblivious, which is typical for the male species. & I don't expect him to read between the lines, to see the light that I'm sure comes into my eyes when he sits next to me, and hear the increased breathing & heart rate when his knee brushes mine. But it does; it always has. 

A year has obviously done nothing for my heart. It still wants him. And I don't know what to do about it. Either way, there's a distinct possibility that I'll lose him forever, but if I keep on pretending, I'm sure it'll only get worse with time. I mean, a year hasn't done anything at all right? Another 5 months could mean the coffin in the grave. 

I don't want to say anything to him for fear of losing him. What's worse? Trying to choke down my feelings and control my emotions? Or telling him that I can't be friends with him at least for a little while.... and maybe even longer. I doubt I'm ever gonna get over him until I actually do find that one I'm supposed to be with. 

Christina Perri summed it up perfectly in her song Distance. Here's the lyrics to it:

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" and you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

And please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" and you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting
To say what we have

So I make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" and you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" and you're not listening
How long til we call this love, love, love?