Just a Kiss

Ya know, here's a little insight to the workings of the mind/heart of Megan Trijntje VerHoef.


When I kiss a guy, that sends a very powerful message. Not along the same lines as marriage, but enough of a powerful statement that's much more than "I like you, you're cool." I used to be very liberal with my kisses. I used to kiss any guy that showed interest in me.

However, over the recent year I've become very particular about the guys I kiss because every time I kiss a guy, I get attached inevitably. I'm not saying it's eternal, but I am saying there's a level of commitment and there's a certain special feeling that is shared from within me that I don't share with just any average Joe. At least not any more.

If you believe in love languages, it would probably be said that mine is physical touch, or more specifically, kissing. When I kiss someone, it runs much deeper. It means much more to me than hand holding or a "You're beautiful" or whatever else is spoken that's supposed to make me "swoon."

So when/if I kiss you do not take it lightly. I don't just kiss anybody. I kiss someone when I mean it. I kiss someone if I see it becoming official/ a relationship. I kiss someone I care about. I kiss someone that I share bits and pieces of my heart to.


I guess not everyone feels the same way I do.

On the heart

There's one monologue from a beloved movie of mine that is most applicable to my life right now. It's Sandra Bullock as Sally writing to her sister Gilly. & it's no matter where I'm at in life or where I'm going, I always seem to be feeling this exact same way.

"Dearest Gilly,
Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon."

I know it's not true, and I know it's just because I haven't found what it is I'm looking for yet, but often times I feel like Sally. I want to be seen. I don't want to go to bed each night wanting. And more often than not, there is only that moon at my side and no man. It won't last forever. I know it's just a temporary state. I know that this is all a learning experience for me & blah blah blah blah. I get it. But the fact is, good advice doesn't hold me at night. Nice thoughts and words of encouragement don't kiss me or hold my hand. That's all I'm saying. All my life I've just wanted someone to love me for who I am and never leave. I get half but not the other. I never get what I want completely and indefinitely. & my heart has been beaten almost too many times to where I'm afraid one day I'm just gonna give up and not want to fall in love.

I'm just sick of dating. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick of putting my heart through the ringer time & time again it not working out. This is more of me just venting. I'm fine, I'm just tired and my father would always say "Fatigue makes cowards of us all" so tonight I'm just being a coward. I'm afraid. & even though it won't last forever, I wonder when forever will actually start.

xoxo
Mega-Mega

Hindsight is much more than 20-20

So, it's interesting to hear about people who meant something to you in your past at some point, and how they're doing recently.

I'm not gonna spare any vague "walking-on-eggshells" phrases when it comes to my previous relationships. I've dated some real douche bags, who weren't douche bags to begin with, at least not outrightly. But it's only been fairly recently that I've been exposing my heart to nice guys. Guys who honor their priesthood, guys who go to the temple on a regular basis, guys who treat me like an actual human being.

So when I hear about the current circumstances in which my previous boyfriend is in, naturally I'm curious. It was quite the eye opener, but I can't say it's all that surprising.

Let me just say, most fervently, that I dodged a huge bullet. I have never ever been so grateful for a break up than I feel right now towards this guy.

And I feel for this girl who has attached herself to him. While they were dating I had feelings to talk to her about him, to let her know some of the things that bothered me and the red flags I saw but was too bore-sided on not being alone that I ignored them. But it would've seemed awkward, it would've looked like I was trying to "get him back" or separate them for selfish reasons.

In all honesty, by about month 3 of the aftermath of the breakup that was the farthest thing from my mind.

This young woman is such a sweetheart. I never really knew her, only from a far off, but she was a dear. I knew that from the people she spoke with, and her roommates who happened to be my former roommates.

I am so grateful for revelation. And so sick at heart that this young woman is stuck with this dirtbag for eternity. I said from the get-go that I thought she was too pretty, too sweet and too good for him. And that still definitely holds true.

So, even though they suck at the beginning, sometimes break ups can be the best thing that'll ever happen to you. And I'm thankful for my own ability to let go when I know it's wrong.

xoxo
Mega-Mega

Ramblings & Musings

Experiencing joys & heartaches is all a part of being human. Being alive is all about these two concepts, highs & lows, pleasure & pain, having your heart broken but also having your heart fly higher than you've ever felt.

And it seems that no matter how old you are, or in what status of this mortal coil you're in, these two sides of the coin are always flipping back and forth. One of my favorite lines in one of mine & my sister & mother's favorite movies that we watch is when the heroine says most astutely, "it's a truth universally acknowledged that whenever a part of your life starts going okay, another part of your life falls spectacularly to pieces."

And this happens frequently. You give someone your trust, your dreams, your hopes & your heart, and they break it somehow. It could be a family member or friend, a colleague or co-worker, or the most unpleasant and tragic circumstance; your spouse or significant other.

But one thing that I still have to keep remembering is that when things like this happen, when I feel abandoned, alone, neglected or broken, that there's at least one person looking out for me. One person who'll always be there.

I have a hard time forgiving myself for the things I've done. For the stupid mistakes I've made on my own & with other people. It takes its toll on me after a while, carrying the load of guilt & sorrow. But I know that the great thing about the Savior, and about Heavenly Father is that it doesn't matter where I'm at right now. The thing that they both care about is where I'll be down the road.

Life is hard. But life is harder when you don't know this simple truth. I'm so grateful for the Gospel that I've been raised with. It's been the anchor that has kept me steady for the past 22 years. It was the entity that I clung to when my father and grandmother died. It was the thing that I grasped when I was hurt & hurt again by people in my life that I trusted & who let me down in one way or another. And I know, even now, that no matter what curveballs are swung at me, not matter what happens in the future, or how my next 10 years in this mortal existence plays out, I still have something, when I feel like I have nothing.


When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

xoxo
Mega-Mega

For the record

I understand that everyone seems to be genuinely concerned with my dating life & the misinformation that I am "in a rush to get married." Although I appreciate the advice & the analogies concerning Ruth & Boaz, rest assured:

Since I've moved to Utah, the pressure I felt at BYU-Idaho to get married has lessened almost completely.

You may not believe this, but I am actually in no hurry to get married at all. I know this doesn't seem believable, but trust me when I say, I'm very content with my life the way it is right now. I've got a great job that I love now, and I'm still in the process of starting a little photography business as well as finishing my 3 books I started writing several years ago.

I'm fine.

I think what people are confusing my alleged "rush to get married" is just the fact that my luck with relationships hasn't been the best lately. There's a huge difference between getting frustrated with the dating game, as EVERYONE does, and being in a hurry to get married. I am the first one. Not the latter.

So thank you for your advice & concern. I appreciate it that I have so many people who love & care about me, but since I've been in Utah, I've been rather happy with my status as an un-married woman.

xoxo
Mega-Mega

I Got You

A place to crash
I got you
No need to ask
I got you
Just get on the phone
I got you

Come and pick you up if I have to
What's weird about it
Is we're right at the end
And mad about it
Just figured it out in my head
I'm proud to say
I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye
I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you
I got you

Ain't falling a part, or bitter
Let's be bigger than that and remember
The cooling outdoor when you're all alone
We'll go on surviving
No drama, no need for a show
Just wanna say
I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye
I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye (go ahead)
I'll be alright (say goodbye)
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you

'Cause this is love and life
And nothing we can both control
And if it don't feel right
You're not losing me by letting me know

Go ahead and say goodbye (say goodbye)
I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye (go ahead)
I'll be alright (say goodbye)
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you

A place to crash
I got you
No need to ask
I got you

Always look on the bright side of life...

So it's been a while. Life has thrown me a few curve balls & a few homeruns.

This probably needs some explanation though. My last semester at BYU-Idaho was a hard one, probably the hardest one for me academically & emotionally. I was taking 18 credits (half of those credits were upper division English classes) & working 2 part time jobs. I was struggling to make ends meet, struggling to find more meaning to my life, struggling to figure out what I was gonna do to spend my time in this mortal coil, and struggling with being single all in about a 4 month time span.

I was let down & disappointed several times, by guys, by school, by drama, by life. My prayers were mostly directed towards what I was supposed to do after I graduated. I tossed around going to Grad school, but that meant more debt, less money & no breaks.

I certainly knew what I didn't want. I didn't want to move back to Georgia. This feeling was meant to mean no lack of gallantry towards my family. I love, and have always loved, my family. I miss them even now. But I knew what was there for me in Georgia, waiting in the wings. I knew I had a few very close, dear friends of mine who love me & who would've loved to see me back. I would've been close to my nieces & nephews that I love more than life itself, and I would've been around my mom & 2 brothers, and somewhat close to my sister.

But the kicker was, there was nothing really substantial as far as a career or as far as the ''dating regime" went in Georgia. There is a serious lack of the male Mormon species. Not only that, but good Mormon guys. It's a drought I knew I was going back to. The dustbowl of dating.

Georgia, on top of this, also holds a plethora of painful, bitter memories. It was the place where my dad passed away, it was the general vicinity where my grandmother passed away, it was the place where I passed my middle & high school years which were the bane of my existence. I was self-conscious, depressed & on a spiritual plateau in Georgia.

Juxtaposing Georgia with the West, namely Idaho & Utah, I was happier out here. I was in my element out here. Yes there will always be things that bug me about here, but in comparison with Georgia, this was a place where I thrived. It's a greenhouse. There are so many people I've met that have changed my life that I can't bear losing, there are job opportunities that fit with what I'd like to do for a short time, there's a support system for me spiritually that I don't think I can replicate anywhere else.

My family has been skeptical of this decision I've made, and I can't blame them for that. Without knowing my perspective, it does appear to be a foolish financial choice on my part. But there's one thing I don't think I've mentioned much, that I kind of want to right now.

All through out my last semester, I prayed constantly, fasted so much, and received blessings multiple times all leading me to this conclusion:

I'm supposed to be out here right now.

Many spiritual confirmations have taken place, some simple & small, some substantially complex & personal. As for right now, there's at least one reason why I should be here right now, and he's definitely made a good & positive impact on my life. Whether or not this place, this relationship will last, I know at least for the time being that I'm meant to be here in Orem, Utah.

The more I'm here, the more sure I am.

I do miss my family & friends, and I wish I was closer to them. But this distance will hopefully be for a short duration while I'm fulfilling the things & following this path that I've been placed on.

So thank you, for your support & understanding. I love you all.

xoxo
Mega-Mega