I'm starting to understand why my relationships
never last very long. This morning the awful realization dawned upon me in the
worst way possible.
I've always wondered what I brought to the relationship, what I contributed to my job, what more I brought to this world & how I could make a name for myself. But now what I've come to know is that the only thing I've got going for me is physical appearance. That's why none of my relationships lasted longer than three months. That's why it was always easy to get a man's attention, but considerably harder to keep him around.
I completed my Bachelor's Degree in English
Creative Writing with two minors in Humanities & Photography in 4 years,
which to some might not seem that remarkable, but I've found that most people
are shocked that I didn't take a year off to work, or go on a mission or whatever.
I graduated with a B average in general, and in addition to that, I won three
different times in three different categories for the best creative writing
piece in my Creative Writing & Publishing class.
Since then, I've sent in two different stories,
one fantasy, one sci-fi, to FreeManderson LLC, which is a publishing company in
association with Kindle books. My Immortal & Letters From the Sky.
I have travelled to Europe several times, four
times to England, twice to Spain, in addition to Austria, Germany, Italy, and
France.
I've played the violin for over eight years, and
have done freelance photography for over six, in addition to constantly and
consistently reading and understanding poetry by Pablo Neruda, E. E. Cummings,
Robert Frost, John Keats and John Milton, as well as books by Jane Austen,
George Eliot, Lewis Carroll, Paulo Coelho, Charles Dickens, Irving Stone, and
many others.
But no, no one ever pays any
attention to that. No one bothers to ask why my dream is to contribute to Young
Adult & Children's literature with the four books I've already started. No
one ever wonders why I don't want to do wedding/engagement photography forever
and instead want to pursue fine art photography in capturing whimsical,
ethereal moments on camera. No one is ever curious as to why I want to travel back to Italy to see the Keats-Shelley museum, the Pieta by
Michelango, why I want to see the castles in Edinburgh, Scotland, why I want to go to the temple of Isis in
Egypt. No.
Because the truth is, I only
have my female body to recommend myself to the opposite sex. That's all. Just a
trophy girlfriend. Only thing I can rely on is my B cups, my long torso &
long legs.
Now I'm usually not a fan of Maroon 5, but dang
Adam had a point in this song,
Beauty queen of only
eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want
I don't mind spending
everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
All I've ever wanted was for someone to see me, really see me.
Through everything. Through every sarcastic comment, through every forced
smile, through every thoughtless comment, through every obnoxious laugh.
Although it's nice to hear that I'm nice to look
at, that I've got a decent body, I'd just like for once for a man to have
something else to say to me than that.
xoxo
Mega-Mega
Two things spring immediately to mind.
ReplyDelete1. You write BEAUTIFULLY. I mean you reeallly write beautifully--profoundly--pick-one's-jaw-up-off-the-floor-PERFECTLY.
2. I hope that you don't believe that "the only thing I've got going for me is physical appearance." I hope that you understand that the boys (and believe me, they are BOYS. You haven't met a MAN yet) you fail to "keep around" are boys who wouldn't recognize an intelligent woman if she bit them in the armpit. As such, it's one of God's tender mercies that they haven't stayed around.
I know you weren't asking for advice but as the one who's known you longest (if not best), I need to point out the truth while I can. You have expertly and fluently described only a few of your talents and capabilities. Don't stop believing in them.
What Mom said.
ReplyDeleteA tool just wants a hot girlfriend. A douche just wants a hot girlfriend. A real man, with a real soul and real testimony and a real brain - he wants a life partner that's his equal, if not superior.
Blogger is being weird...I was going to say, wait for the right guy! Don't ever, ever, EVER settle! You have so much to offer, and there will be a guy in your future who appreciates all that you are!!
DeleteLove you sweetie!!
Megan, I feel like I disagree a little with your post. I am sure that people can and DO see more to you than a pretty face. I am sure because I know that I did!
ReplyDeleteI haven't read your blog in a while, but I am glad I happened to read this, because I am going to prove it to you. I am going to list all the things that I noticed about you that didn't have anything to do with your looks.
When I first started to spend time with you and your friends, I can't really say what it was that made me start to like you. I wish I could explain that one better. The best I can do is that I know that when I was with you that I felt comfortable and happy. I could be myself and it was okay.After I started to get to know you better I realized a lot of things about you. Especially when we started to go on dates and we talked more.
-I realized first of all that you had a lot going on in your life, and that you were pretty stretched out. Emotionally and financially. Despite all of that you were still able and willing to be very good to me and very kind.
-I liked that you tried to understand the things that I was interested in, even if they were not the normal things you might want to talk about or do. I still remember when you solved that problem with logic gates in my homework and you showing interest (most likely pretend interest) in my silly flight simulation games.
-You express yourself, you form opinions and talk about them(like the ones in this post). You are interested in interpreting the meaning in things and you think about it.
-You are still the only person I have dated that could hold a decent political conversation that was actually interesting.
-You are funny! Your humor is entertaining. You would find very funny ways to look at the things that happened to you, and it added a lot to your personality.
-You were deeply concerned with the wellbeing of your family, especially your mother. To me that meant that you had a deep capacity to care for other people, and valued family ties.
-Your deep feelings for your father, and those experiences in your life meant that you understood how valuable the family is, and what a blessing it is to have one.
-I loved how much you knew about literature and I liked reading with you.
-I remember how good you treated me. I remember one day when I spent most of it working on school work, and I came home to an Almond Joy and a note on my desk. I remember when you planned a day at the flight museum, because you knew how much I would like that. I remember the sweet notes that you put on my car on valentines day.
-You laughed at my horrible Lizzie jokes.
-You had a clear trust and faith in God. I still remember the first time I heard you bare your testimony, it was not the standard testimony, but it was you.
-You are a great writer. I have a hard time writing a sentence that makes sense sometimes, but you seemed to express yourself very naturally though that medium. I thought it was pretty amazing. I used to read your posts all the time.
In general, you are just a great person. You are smart, kind, funny, corky and awkward. (corky and awkward great things in my book)
People can see those things in you. I am sure. Sometimes I feel like you are the one that got away. So I hope that you don't lose hope in others! There are people who can see you for who you are, I am sure. Surround yourself with the right kind of people, and you will find the one for you.
You bring so much more to your relationships than a pretty face =)
Wow... that post is a lot longer than I thought it would be....
DeleteThanks Nathan :) That honestly means a lot coming from you because I really do know you valued me for much more than that.
ReplyDelete