"Something New in My Life"

I'm probably jumping the gun a bit on music/movies that are usually saved for Christmas, but this song I absolutely adore <3. I seriously can't stop listening to it & I think, aside from the fact that it's the incredible Julie Andrews & superb Placido Domingo singing it, the lyrics are so perfect for me right now.

I've finally made it. I'm finally here, at a place where I'm the most happy I've ever been and it feels so good to have finally arrived.

I should provide some backstory to this post. Several extremely hard trials & hardships have come up over the past 2 months or so. To spare you all of the disgusting, intimate details, I'll just leave it at this:

1.) In addition to moving from one apartment to another, I've had a copious amount of financial complications. My car was towed in my own parking lot for being in the visitor's parking space while my space was taken. When I went to contest it the d-bag told me that "it wasn't fair to the other visitors when you have a parking spot." Oh yeah, because first off people ONLY go to visit people at apartments for 30 mins or less AND there's going to be a lot of them coming at 12:00 on a school night. Yes, that makes perfect sense. Schmuck. On top of the fact that my deposit was twice as much as I thought it was going to be, and trying to get my stupid car fixed in order to get it registered in the miserable state of Utah, and other bills & financial obligations I had to take care of. I was very close to being homeless for 2 weeks there for a while. But with the help of a very dear, kind, compassionate friend I was able to take care of everything that needed to be taken care of.

2.) Another thing that was & is still going on under the surface was a very unhealthy relationship that was probably the most poisonous I've ever been in. I don't have any hard feelings towards the man, but needless to say I felt very violated after it ended. I feel horrible that I've become much more aloof and cold to many of the guys in my ward & other men who I know would never do anything to hurt me, but I guess that just goes to show that you don't get over something of that magnitude in a day.

However, in spite of all of this, I really feel that I am in a great place in my life right now. I have 2 wonderful roommates, the only real & genuine girls in my entire ward, I have very close, dear friends that are still in contact with me, both in Utah & Idaho & in other areas of the country, I have an amazing family that still loves me despite my many flaws, I have 2 internships that I'm loving every second of, a job at UVU I like, a photography job that pays well, Barnes & Noble I start in October, and another interview for an additional job that could mean more steady income. I also am making astonishing and astounding progress on my book that I really think after it's published will be a tremendous success.

Apart from money, there's really nothing in my life I can complain about right now. I'm confident in being alone & self-sufficient & independent, not requiring a man to make me happy; although there is someone who has made his way back into my life right now.

I feel like I'm finally at my best. As of this time, at this point I've come to, I feel as if I'm the best I can be right now.

I've been trying very hard to not swear, to serve others both people I know & strangers, to be more optimistic & have more faith, to take control of my check book, & to expand & enlarge my mind with constant reading & writing.

Every time I listen to this song, all I can think about is how happy I've become. Happiness really is a choice, a lifestyle, and not a circumstantial thing.

You're like a chance I had to take in my life
I found you and couldn't lose you
And all the difference that you make in my life
The feelings I never knew

I guess I must've saved an empty place in my heart
For you to come and fill this space in my heart
And long before I said, I loved you
I loved you

Whatever happens this is true in my life
When all the springs have come and gone
Whatever doors I may go through in my life
Whatever else that I may do in my life

You'll always be something new in my life
From now on
I know there always will be you in my life
From now on

I know there always will be you in  my life
From now on

xoxo
Megatron

"And then if thou endure it well..."

So the past 2 weeks, more specifically, the past 2 months have definitely been the hardest since I left college.

I have never felt so alone and so trapped in a very long time. & it is probably of my own making, partly. There's no doubt that I've been exluding myself from certain people in my life, and trying to do everything myself.

To sum up everything that's happened, I'll be brief:
1.) A particular experience with a man put such an extremely bad taste in my mouth that ever since then, I've had absolutely no desire to date or even hang out with new guys. To spare you all the sticky, unpleasant details, my trust was betrayed probably the worst it's ever been betrayed this time around.
2.) I moved out of my old place which is a good thing, but the new place I'm in is a bit more expensive than I had anticipated, compounded with the fact that I'm not sure how I'm gonna like hanging out with kids younger than me & still in college. I really am done with that phase of my life. It was fun for a while, but I have no interest in hanging with any clique-ish, high maintenance, superficial appearance-oriented, Utah people, which seems to make up the majority of my ward.
3.) Certain huge financial hiccups have happened, including my car, making it almost impossible to make ends meet, in addition to the deposit & first month of rent that I had to shell out so I wouldn't be homeless.
4.) My stagnant job search, and the fact that I'm not making the amount of money I should with the experience and Bachelor's degree that I have.

All in all, it probably doesn't sound like too much to handle. I think what I'm most frustrated with is that I haven't really gotten a break. All of this has piled up & piled up & piled up all at once. & I really don't think I've "endured" my trials well, simply because I've been on the verge of tears for 4 weeks. This place, Provo, Utah has been rejecting me like a bad kidney transplant. I feel so out of place right now & the only place I do want to be is New York. It's been such a pressing need to get out there, and I really don't know why.

Either way, to finish up this post I'll simply say this: The only real good thing that I can see from this is that maybe there's something really good on the horizon. Whenever there has been such a huge period of extreme suffering and affliction, I know that's the Lord preparing me for something big. Something is about to break through for me, whether it's with my career, with my writing, or with my dating, I know that something is on its way to me. And that comforts me every time I sink lower and lower into the trap of self-pity. I do know that things will get better.

"There is help and happiness ahead. It will be alright in the end. Trust God & believe in good things to come."

Hate vs. Love

In light of recent events, particularly the 'lynching' that happened in Israel as well as the accusations some social groups have made in regards to religious associations, let me just make myself clear as to my opinion on the matter.

First of all, I am appalled and disgusted with how people have handled certain situations, especially regarding differences in opinion on politics as well as religion. A series of misunderstandings and miscommunications can lead to extreme, rash and violent consequences that could have easily been avoided had people just sat in front of each other and listened. More listening, less accusing.

How many times have you gotten your panties or knickers in a knot simply because you jumped to conclusions and preconceived notions without letting the other person finish what it was they had to say? Most of the time, at least for me, I have to talk what I'm thinking out several times before I feel like I reach a valid & logical point. And I think that goes for everyone.

So before you start putting words in other people's mouths, twisting the words that people say, and phishing for something to get offended about; how bout you take a chill pill, lay off the coffee or meth, and at least try to understand what the opposite party is trying to say.

Even if you don't agree with it, I don't think most people, for the most part, are looking to offend or abuse or try to take away your rights.

I think people need to go to arguing school before they're allowed to debate with others. There is a right and a wrong way to disagree, and lately World, you've been sucking at it. If Debating With Others Respectfully were a test, EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK AND YOUTUBE WOULD FAIL.

If I were to say that I don't like the color orange, did I just say that I don't like the people who like the color orange? NO! I said I didn't like one feature of their beliefs, meaning that the person who does like the color orange is probably a good person and an upstanding citizen, but the fact is that I do not agree with their love of the color orange. The color orange and the individual are two separate entities.

Are you gonna call me a sexist, bigotted, intolerant obscenity? Well, if you are on the apparent kick that most of the world is on, or at least most of AMERICA, then yeah. You're going to choose to be offended, before you hear my resonings of my disagreement with the color orange, and you're going to try to stop me from promoting my belief in the color blue, even though I am not trying to stop you from promoting or defending your love of the color orange.

Now, how fair and just is that? Is trying to stifle and criple my voice, denying my first amendment right, and for lack of a better word, being a tyrant/dictator ethical or moral?

So where am I going with this argument? I have two things, 1.) people need to stop trying to slander and ridicule people simply because they're trying to defend their beliefs, even though you may not agree with them, they have just as much right to say what they want to say as you do. The first amendment goes both ways, sweetheart. & 2.) It should not matter whether you're Arab or Jewish, Christian or Muslim, Republican or Democrat, Male or Female etc, if you want to advocate and uphold whatever beliefs you have, you do not resort to violence or any kind of personal attacks. I mean, I can't believe I'm even HAVING to say this people! This is COMMON SENSE, or did you leave that in your swastika wallet? Did we not learn from Stalin, Hitler, Huissen or Castro?

COME ON.

Gold in Them Hills

Sometimes there's just a weekend that completely drains you of everything.

This was one of them.

It started out with an exploratory interview with a publishing company I would literally kill for (okay maybe not literally, but I'd at least contemplate manslaughter to secure a position there), and ended with a very emotional Bishop's interview.

To spare you all of the nitty gritty unpleasantries, I'll just say this:

Even though there have been some guys in my life who I will always revere and admire, there is at least twice as many of them that have deceived, neglected, manipulated, abused, used and even molested me. Needless to say, even though I've said this before, I really am done dating. I can't seem to trust anyone, or at least give them the benefit of the doubt or be skeptical of their intentions with me.

In church this past Sunday in our dating & marriage class, the Bishop & his wife team-taught about marriage and divorce and keeping a marriage strong. He mentioned the beginning of his courtship with his wife and how he was so sick of the physicality that always inevitably followed dating, that when he and his wife began courting, he refused to even hold her hand for several months.

To some, this would be an incredibly extreme method in dating, even for LDS standards, but I found my eyes welled up with tears as he described this. And that's when I realized that I desperately wanted that for myself. I would absolutely adore a man who respected me that much, who never pushed me to do something I wasn't comfortable with, and who honest to goodness wanted to get to know me for just me and not try to get to know every crevice of my mouth.

I don't know what it is about me that attracts a majority of douchebags, but I'm getting pretty tired of it.

Now I'm not saying this as a "Woe is me" thing, and I am fully aware that I have dated very sweet, kind, caring, compassionate and selfless men. I have many examples of good men in my life. But 70% of them the past few months have been simply awful.

The 30% of them that are good can't seem to commit to me or for whatever reason can't see it going anywhere.

Regardless, I hate to sound like one of those girls who murmurs "You guys are all the same. Only afer one thing" and "I'm gonna focus on my career," but it seems like they are all the same, and my writing my novel, my pursuit of publishing and my growing photography seem to be the only thing that brings me happiness, so I am gonna focus on my career.

Again, I do know that there are great guys to be had and to be found. They just don't seem to be interested in dating me at the present time.

I am happy where I'm at. I'm happy being single because I can finally take care of me and put my own priorities first. I can't say the same thing about some of these scumbags.

To end, I wanted to share this song covered by Katie Melua (who I've fallen in love with all over again.) It's called Gold in Them Hills, and when you listen to it, you'll understand why I chose it for this blog post.

xoxo
Mega-mega

Choose Your Battles

I have always had a hard time being wrong. It's a tough-horse-pill to swallow to say the least. So when I'm right, I am right. And until I am backed up by other sources repeating that I was right I won't stop. I bask in the glory that is being right.

And here's why I am this way. I'm not right 98% of the time. On most everything I know very little about in order to have a successful argument & I usually lack in information on either side of the debacle. So the 2% of the time when I am right, I relish in it. And why shouldn't I? Everyone else triumphs over me when they prove me wrong, so on the rare-once in a Blue moon-event that I am right, I'm gonna milk it for all its worth, baby.

Here's an example:

One time in high school, I was talking to a group of people (the majority were guys) discussing Pepsi vs. Coca Cola products. And the topic turned to my favorite drink of all time, Dr. Pepper. The conversation proceeded like this,

Douchey Guy: Dr. Pepper's a Pepsi product.
Me: No it isn't.
Douchey Guy: Yeah it is! It's always with the Pepsi drinks. It's a Pepsi product.
Me: No it's not. Dr Pepper is its own company. It's not Pepsi or Coke.
Douchey Guy: No it's not...
Me: Uh, yeah it is bro. It's based out of Texas.
Douchey Guy: No it's not.
Me: My BROTHER works for Coca Cola. I know I'm right.
Douchey Guy: No you're not.

After a few minutes of googling the problem, I finally came out on top. I was right. Dr. Pepper was & is its own company & I thoroughly enjoyed rubbing it in his face afterwards. Because every time I have ever been proven wrong by this kid, he made a point to not only gloat to me but to all of his friends & tell everyone he knew that I was wrong about one thing or another.


That is one scenario in which I was right in my 23 years of existence. Now I'm sure I've been right about other things, but they were on a lesser scale because I was correcting someone who never tried to one-up me or prove me wrong about stuff. When they were right they told me and left it at that, and when I was right, I told them & left it at that.

But if some douchey guy, past or present, is on a constant quest to always be the one in the right, always argue with me, and deliberately try to make me feel like I'm stupid, you bet your pretentious ass I'm gonna gloat & rub it in your face when I'm right. You could set your clock by it. It's going to happen. It's all a matter of when.

I'm going to be so happy to find a guy who I can have discussions with and not competitions or arguments with.

xoxo
Mega-Mega

Deeper Side to You & Your Side Now

These two songs I came across randomly as I was watching wedding videos on http://digitalmemorys.blogspot.com/, mostly to just get an idea of what they look like & whatnot. But these two beautiful songs by Trent Dabbs & Phillip LaRue really moved me & continue to do so. They quietly remind my skeptical, cynical self that maybe true love isn't just found in Disney movies or fairytales.

Theres a fire in every mans heart
Waiting to burn
For some it takes a lifetime to learn
But back December when my world started turning
I still remember the day
I felt the weight of a thousand ships
Sail on

And I want to know what its like
And you want to know if its true
And I know theres a deeper side of you

I know its been raining on you
Since you were 17
The waters rose up so high
That you lost your meaning
I miss the summer when the air was so thin
I saw you come alive
What will take to turn the light on
Turn it on

Dont let them take you down
Let them hear you sing
Singing out

There you are behind a velvet curtain,
I am waiting outside.
Give me a signal,
let me know if its workin.
Everything that I try.


Cause it's a long drive home.
It's a long drive alone.


Don't hide,
Let me see it from your side now.
It's alright,
Let me see it from your side now.


All the talking as the night just follows,
All the leaves to the ground.
We're moving closer to the perfect moment,
and I can stil hear the sound,
of a good love gone,
on a long drive home.


Don't hide, 
Let me see it from your side now.
It's alright,
Let me see it from your side now.


Something happened while your heart was breaking,
you forgot how to trust.
I'm just saying please believe in something.
Start believing in us.


Don't hide, 
Let me see it from your side now.
It's alright,
Let me see it from your side now.


Don't hide, 
Let me see it from your side now.
It's alright,
Let me see it from your side now.

She Will Be Loved

I'm starting to understand why my relationships never last very long. This morning the awful realization dawned upon me in the worst way possible. 

I've always wondered what I brought to the relationship, what I contributed to my job, what more I brought to this world & how I could make a name for myself. But now what I've come to know is that the only thing I've got going for me is physical appearance. That's why none of my relationships lasted longer than three months. That's why it was always easy to get a man's attention, but considerably harder to keep him around. 

I completed my Bachelor's Degree in English Creative Writing with two minors in Humanities & Photography in 4 years, which to some might not seem that remarkable, but I've found that most people are shocked that I didn't take a year off to work, or go on a mission or whatever. I graduated with a B average in general, and in addition to that, I won three different times in three different categories for the best creative writing piece in my Creative Writing & Publishing class. 

Since then, I've sent in two different stories, one fantasy, one sci-fi, to FreeManderson LLC, which is a publishing company in association with Kindle books. My Immortal & Letters From the Sky. 

I have travelled to Europe several times, four times to England, twice to Spain, in addition to Austria, Germany, Italy, and France. 

I've played the violin for over eight years, and have done freelance photography for over six, in addition to constantly and consistently reading and understanding poetry by Pablo Neruda, E. E. Cummings, Robert Frost, John Keats and John Milton, as well as books by Jane Austen, George Eliot, Lewis Carroll, Paulo Coelho, Charles Dickens, Irving Stone, and many others.

But no, no one ever pays any attention to that. No one bothers to ask why my dream is to contribute to Young Adult & Children's literature with the four books I've already started. No one ever wonders why I don't want to do wedding/engagement photography forever and instead want to pursue fine art photography in capturing whimsical, ethereal moments on camera. No one is ever curious as to why I want to travel back to Italy to see the Keats-Shelley museum, the Pieta by Michelango, why I want to see the castles in Edinburgh, Scotland, why I want to go to the temple of Isis in Egypt. No. 

Because the truth is, I only have my female body to recommend myself to the opposite sex. That's all. Just a trophy girlfriend. Only thing I can rely on is my B cups, my long torso & long legs. 

Now I'm usually not a fan of Maroon 5, but dang Adam had a point in this song,

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

All I've ever wanted was for someone to see me, really see me. Through everything. Through every sarcastic comment, through every forced smile, through every thoughtless comment, through every obnoxious laugh. 

Although it's nice to hear that I'm nice to look at, that I've got a decent body, I'd just like for once for a man to have something else to say to me than that. 

xoxo

Mega-Mega