Probably the worst moment for any individual is a break up.
But I would venture to say that reliving a broken heart, and falling back in love with a person you know will never love you back is even more awful.
I've been pretty proud of myself that the past few blog posts hasn't been about a breakup or how awful a guy has treated me, so to spare all of the gory, unnecessary details, I'll just say this:
I can't get over a guy who's in my same ward and who I work with at least once a week in sharing the same calling. I thought I was over him well over a year ago but the truth is I was only deluding myself.
I'm crazy about him. & he'll never be crazy about me.
& you know what, that's okay. It happens. It's only supposed to work out once right? That's why we date. But the truth is, I can't do this anymore.
The hard part is, he's one of my closest friends, even one of my best guy friends. I have relied on him for multiple blessings & he's even been wonderful enough to assist me financially & to bail me out of the worst monetary crises I've had this year.
Recently, though I've realized I'm in love with him. But he has no idea. He's completely oblivious, which is typical for the male species. & I don't expect him to read between the lines, to see the light that I'm sure comes into my eyes when he sits next to me, and hear the increased breathing & heart rate when his knee brushes mine. But it does; it always has.
A year has obviously done nothing for my heart. It still wants him. And I don't know what to do about it. Either way, there's a distinct possibility that I'll lose him forever, but if I keep on pretending, I'm sure it'll only get worse with time. I mean, a year hasn't done anything at all right? Another 5 months could mean the coffin in the grave.
I don't want to say anything to him for fear of losing him. What's worse? Trying to choke down my feelings and control my emotions? Or telling him that I can't be friends with him at least for a little while.... and maybe even longer. I doubt I'm ever gonna get over him until I actually do find that one I'm supposed to be with.
Christina Perri summed it up perfectly in her song Distance. Here's the lyrics to it:
The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love
And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" and you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?
And please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you understand
And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" and you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?
And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting
To say what we have
So I make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" and you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?
Make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" and you're not listening
How long til we call this love, love, love?
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
The Ideal Man
It may just be that my ideal man is an actor/director that I will never meet. Though I do occasionally see him as Dr. Spencer Reid on the CBS show Criminal Minds.
One of my favorite quotes from him is located below in addition to a few of my favorite pictures of him.
“Must love
decorating for holidays, mischief, kissing in cars, and wind chimes. No
specific height, weight, hair color, or political affiliation required, but
would prefer a warm spirited, non-racist. Cynics, critics, pessimists, and
‘stick in the muds’ need not apply. Voluptuous figures a plus. Any similarity
in look, mind set, or fashion sense to Mary Poppins, Claire Huxtable, Snow
White, or Elvira wholeheartedly welcomed. I am dubious of actresses, felons,
and lesbians, but don’t want to rule them out entirely. Must be tolerant of
whistling, tickle torture, James Taylor, and sleeping late. I have a slight
limp, eerily soft hands, and a preternatural love of Autumn. I once
misinterpreted being called a ‘coal-eyed dandy’ as a compliment when it was
intended as an insult. I wiggle my feet in my sleep, am scared of the dark, and
think the Muppets Christmas Carol is one of the greatest films of all time. All
I want is butterfly kisses in the morning, peanut butter sandwiches shaped like
a heart, and to make you smile until it hurts.”
<3 I love you Matthew Gray Gubler.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Define "Conniption"
So, unfortunately, one of my very good friends has already heard this but I'm gonna have to submit this rant into the expansive void that is the internet.
And whether or not I receive a reply or response is irrelevant. I just really wanna get this off my chest because I'm losing far too much sleep.
First off, the most pressing thing on my mind and soul is the fact that I am a college graduate with one constant part-time job. I spent four years and $25,000 earning a Bachelor's degree and making less now than I did as a student.
According to certain statistics I've found, a woman with a Bachelor's degree should be making about $47,030 a year. Now, for an English degree, I should be making between $35,800-$68,900 a year. These jobs can range from journalism, to technical writers. Now, do you wanna know what I make a year on one part-time job as a content developer?
Guess. Just guess.
I make $14,400 a year after taxes. 14,400. That's not even half what I should be making and I've been out of school for well over a year.
Needless to say, I am incredibly pissed off! Seriously?! This sum may be enough to live on, but I'm a DAMN COLLEGE GRADUATE. I should be able to afford to fix my car, pay off my student loan, get completely out of debt, put aside money for savings, and be able to have enough money to shop at Barnes & Noble on occasion or Charlotte Russe.
But no. NO. I'm stuck working ONE part-time job, that granted is good and I can't complain about it except for the fact that I'M NOT MAKING WHAT I'M WORTH.
And do you want to know why? There are several different theories...
1.) There's a little something called Degree Inflation. Yes it exists. Basically, what happened is that a Bachelor's degree today is the equivalent of a High school diploma 10 years ago. The Wall Street Journal even did an article on it! Found here: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB121623686919059307.html
People who earned not only one but two degrees end up getting laid off and eventually work for WalMart....Oh yay... and this is what I was so looking forward to in entering the career force after college... YOUUUU SCUNOFABITCH! I'm sorry but this is absolutely unacceptable! But it also begs the question, what the hell am I supposed to do now? I have been discouraged from getting a Master's degree because it won't guarantee anything and I'll go further into debt, but neither is a freaking Bachelor's degree!
2.) The job market SUCKS. I mean majorly sucks. The unemployment rate is now at 7.8%! More specifically, the jobs that I have applied for, (call center jobs, retail etc.) things that I'm completely over-qualified for I'm not getting! Wth?!
3.) Stuff that I am doing, like internships, etc. I should be getting paid for! I'm sorry but my talents are not free. I am not willing to sacrifice my well-being to people who obviously don't appreciate the time & effort that goes into fulfilling and accomplishing projects.
I am so sick of this. On top of all of this stress in worry, which as you can see has taken up more than an entire page, there's the election going on, my friend's asking me to help them with their projects, my own personal novel I'm trying to write, and the fact that I for once would like to be able to have more than just 3 bowls and 8 pieces of silverware in my cupboards.
I'm seriously about ready to pull my own hair out.
And whether or not I receive a reply or response is irrelevant. I just really wanna get this off my chest because I'm losing far too much sleep.
First off, the most pressing thing on my mind and soul is the fact that I am a college graduate with one constant part-time job. I spent four years and $25,000 earning a Bachelor's degree and making less now than I did as a student.
According to certain statistics I've found, a woman with a Bachelor's degree should be making about $47,030 a year. Now, for an English degree, I should be making between $35,800-$68,900 a year. These jobs can range from journalism, to technical writers. Now, do you wanna know what I make a year on one part-time job as a content developer?
Guess. Just guess.
I make $14,400 a year after taxes. 14,400. That's not even half what I should be making and I've been out of school for well over a year.
Needless to say, I am incredibly pissed off! Seriously?! This sum may be enough to live on, but I'm a DAMN COLLEGE GRADUATE. I should be able to afford to fix my car, pay off my student loan, get completely out of debt, put aside money for savings, and be able to have enough money to shop at Barnes & Noble on occasion or Charlotte Russe.
But no. NO. I'm stuck working ONE part-time job, that granted is good and I can't complain about it except for the fact that I'M NOT MAKING WHAT I'M WORTH.
And do you want to know why? There are several different theories...
1.) There's a little something called Degree Inflation. Yes it exists. Basically, what happened is that a Bachelor's degree today is the equivalent of a High school diploma 10 years ago. The Wall Street Journal even did an article on it! Found here: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB121623686919059307.html
People who earned not only one but two degrees end up getting laid off and eventually work for WalMart....Oh yay... and this is what I was so looking forward to in entering the career force after college... YOUUUU SCUNOFABITCH! I'm sorry but this is absolutely unacceptable! But it also begs the question, what the hell am I supposed to do now? I have been discouraged from getting a Master's degree because it won't guarantee anything and I'll go further into debt, but neither is a freaking Bachelor's degree!
2.) The job market SUCKS. I mean majorly sucks. The unemployment rate is now at 7.8%! More specifically, the jobs that I have applied for, (call center jobs, retail etc.) things that I'm completely over-qualified for I'm not getting! Wth?!
3.) Stuff that I am doing, like internships, etc. I should be getting paid for! I'm sorry but my talents are not free. I am not willing to sacrifice my well-being to people who obviously don't appreciate the time & effort that goes into fulfilling and accomplishing projects.
I am so sick of this. On top of all of this stress in worry, which as you can see has taken up more than an entire page, there's the election going on, my friend's asking me to help them with their projects, my own personal novel I'm trying to write, and the fact that I for once would like to be able to have more than just 3 bowls and 8 pieces of silverware in my cupboards.
I'm seriously about ready to pull my own hair out.
Friday, October 5, 2012
50 Shades of Garbage
So, after doing more research on the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James, I'm even more appalled and disgusted that this is a New Yorks Times Bestseller. & even more so that women are reading this and are thrilled about this piece of crap.
Everywhere on pinterest, facebook, blogs etc. there's talk such as, "omg! if this becomes a movie, ian somerhalder should totes be cast for christian grey! lol! <3 omg! he's totes gorg!"
..... Insert vomit here......
Seriously, this is a disgrace to real writers, to the authors who have developed excellent plots, superb character developments, fantastic twists and turns in the storyline, and who have worked their asses off to create a story that touches, inspires, uplifts and speaks to the very soul of a reader.
And yet you choose this? This pornographic, flat, debasing, awfully written Twilight fan fiction that's simply had the names of the characters changed? This? You pick this?
So no more Jane Austen, no more John Keats, no more Princess Bride, no more Bronte Sisters, no more Shakespeare? No more real and beautiful love stories? No more stories where the heroine is strong in her endeavors and gentleman are always gentleman? No more epic romances where the good guy gets the girl, and the bad guy goes to jail or is reviled? None of that?
Ellen Degeneres brings a more lighthearted approach to this awful piece of "so-called literature", but before I let Ellen be awesome & say what the rest of the sane world is thinking, let me just leave here with this statement:
Pornography goes both ways. & if you don't think women should be subjected to the degradation and defilement that pornographic images or media bring; making women out to be a piece of meat, and only created for man's pleasurable interests, then sweetheart, the door swings BOTH ways. If guys are encouraged not to take part in pornography, even though their pornography is different, this filth that is on every single Barnes & Noble bookshelf in the nation is just another example of PORN.
Take it away Ellen,
xoxo
Mega-Sick-of-Seeing-This-Piece-of-Crap-Book
Everywhere on pinterest, facebook, blogs etc. there's talk such as, "omg! if this becomes a movie, ian somerhalder should totes be cast for christian grey! lol! <3 omg! he's totes gorg!"
..... Insert vomit here......
Seriously, this is a disgrace to real writers, to the authors who have developed excellent plots, superb character developments, fantastic twists and turns in the storyline, and who have worked their asses off to create a story that touches, inspires, uplifts and speaks to the very soul of a reader.
And yet you choose this? This pornographic, flat, debasing, awfully written Twilight fan fiction that's simply had the names of the characters changed? This? You pick this?
So no more Jane Austen, no more John Keats, no more Princess Bride, no more Bronte Sisters, no more Shakespeare? No more real and beautiful love stories? No more stories where the heroine is strong in her endeavors and gentleman are always gentleman? No more epic romances where the good guy gets the girl, and the bad guy goes to jail or is reviled? None of that?
Ellen Degeneres brings a more lighthearted approach to this awful piece of "so-called literature", but before I let Ellen be awesome & say what the rest of the sane world is thinking, let me just leave here with this statement:
Pornography goes both ways. & if you don't think women should be subjected to the degradation and defilement that pornographic images or media bring; making women out to be a piece of meat, and only created for man's pleasurable interests, then sweetheart, the door swings BOTH ways. If guys are encouraged not to take part in pornography, even though their pornography is different, this filth that is on every single Barnes & Noble bookshelf in the nation is just another example of PORN.
Take it away Ellen,
xoxo
Mega-Sick-of-Seeing-This-Piece-of-Crap-Book
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Mid-afternoon Musings
So this is what happens when someone from work gives me a droll, tedious, monotonous, excruciatingly painful job that I just can't stand to do anymore.
Let's just say it includes an excel spreadsheet and four books on Aviation.
UGH!
So I'm updating my blog instead :) Many of the breaks I've taken from this awful busy work has been googling sights in Austria and listening to parts of The Sound of Christmas with Julie Andrews, Placido Domingo, John Denver & the King's Singers. This has inspired me to do some research as to how expensive it would be to travel to Austria next Christmas, or at least next winter for a week or two.
Then it hit me; there's literally nothing keeping me from travelling whenever the heck I want. I don't have school or tests I'd miss, my car's paid off & all I have going on is work which is extraordinarily easy to take time off for events like this. And most importantly, I want to do a Sound of Christmas inspired tour of Austria around that time of year! Go to Mondsee Cathedral where Placido sang O Holy Night & Something New in My Life with Julie, go to Werfen Castle where Julie sang In the Bleak Midwinter & go to Leopoldskron Castle where Julie, Placido, John & the King's Singers sang and danced to various & assorted Christmas songs.
How amazing would that be? To see Salzburg covered completely in white & dripping with Christmas lights & music.
If that alone doesn't convince you I'm brilliant, let me bring in some visuals that may change your mind.
Convinced yet? Me too. So my tentative plan is putting aside money every month from here till next May & then buy my plane ticket! Now I realize that things could definitely change between now and then, but this does give me something to look forward to. I've been missing Europe horribly for the past few months and I think the reason why it's been especially acute is the mere fact that I haven't been on a vacation, a real vacation without running around helping out with weddings or other major family events, in far too long. Out of all the countries I could go to, this is probably one of the safest ones and one where I won't have to worry too much about the language either.
So regardless on whether I go or not, it is something in the back of my head that will encourage and inspire me to get through the next year with something to look forward to. I'd love a white Christmas in a beautiful city in a beautiful country. This is the home of my favorite composer & where some of my favorite paintings are located.
I know it's crazy, and chances of me actually going are slim because I have a feeling I'm on the brink of a lot of changes going on, but usually I get my hopes up too high too fast. If my life comes crashing down between now and then, I will have this to look forward to. Something that will recharge my batteries, bring me peace of mind and more photographs to add to my facebook page :)
xoxo
Megatron
Let's just say it includes an excel spreadsheet and four books on Aviation.
UGH!
So I'm updating my blog instead :) Many of the breaks I've taken from this awful busy work has been googling sights in Austria and listening to parts of The Sound of Christmas with Julie Andrews, Placido Domingo, John Denver & the King's Singers. This has inspired me to do some research as to how expensive it would be to travel to Austria next Christmas, or at least next winter for a week or two.
Then it hit me; there's literally nothing keeping me from travelling whenever the heck I want. I don't have school or tests I'd miss, my car's paid off & all I have going on is work which is extraordinarily easy to take time off for events like this. And most importantly, I want to do a Sound of Christmas inspired tour of Austria around that time of year! Go to Mondsee Cathedral where Placido sang O Holy Night & Something New in My Life with Julie, go to Werfen Castle where Julie sang In the Bleak Midwinter & go to Leopoldskron Castle where Julie, Placido, John & the King's Singers sang and danced to various & assorted Christmas songs.
How amazing would that be? To see Salzburg covered completely in white & dripping with Christmas lights & music.
If that alone doesn't convince you I'm brilliant, let me bring in some visuals that may change your mind.
Mondsee Cathedral, Salzburg Austria
Leopoldskron Castle, Salzburg Austria
Ballroom at Leopoldskron Castle
Werfen Castle, Salzburg Castle
So regardless on whether I go or not, it is something in the back of my head that will encourage and inspire me to get through the next year with something to look forward to. I'd love a white Christmas in a beautiful city in a beautiful country. This is the home of my favorite composer & where some of my favorite paintings are located.
I know it's crazy, and chances of me actually going are slim because I have a feeling I'm on the brink of a lot of changes going on, but usually I get my hopes up too high too fast. If my life comes crashing down between now and then, I will have this to look forward to. Something that will recharge my batteries, bring me peace of mind and more photographs to add to my facebook page :)
xoxo
Megatron
Sunday, September 23, 2012
"Something New in My Life"
I'm probably jumping the gun a bit on music/movies that are usually saved for Christmas, but this song I absolutely adore <3. I seriously can't stop listening to it & I think, aside from the fact that it's the incredible Julie Andrews & superb Placido Domingo singing it, the lyrics are so perfect for me right now.
I've finally made it. I'm finally here, at a place where I'm the most happy I've ever been and it feels so good to have finally arrived.
I should provide some backstory to this post. Several extremely hard trials & hardships have come up over the past 2 months or so. To spare you all of the disgusting, intimate details, I'll just leave it at this:
1.) In addition to moving from one apartment to another, I've had a copious amount of financial complications. My car was towed in my own parking lot for being in the visitor's parking space while my space was taken. When I went to contest it the d-bag told me that "it wasn't fair to the other visitors when you have a parking spot." Oh yeah, because first off people ONLY go to visit people at apartments for 30 mins or less AND there's going to be a lot of them coming at 12:00 on a school night. Yes, that makes perfect sense. Schmuck. On top of the fact that my deposit was twice as much as I thought it was going to be, and trying to get my stupid car fixed in order to get it registered in the miserable state of Utah, and other bills & financial obligations I had to take care of. I was very close to being homeless for 2 weeks there for a while. But with the help of a very dear, kind, compassionate friend I was able to take care of everything that needed to be taken care of.
2.) Another thing that was & is still going on under the surface was a very unhealthy relationship that was probably the most poisonous I've ever been in. I don't have any hard feelings towards the man, but needless to say I felt very violated after it ended. I feel horrible that I've become much more aloof and cold to many of the guys in my ward & other men who I know would never do anything to hurt me, but I guess that just goes to show that you don't get over something of that magnitude in a day.
However, in spite of all of this, I really feel that I am in a great place in my life right now. I have 2 wonderful roommates, the only real & genuine girls in my entire ward, I have very close, dear friends that are still in contact with me, both in Utah & Idaho & in other areas of the country, I have an amazing family that still loves me despite my many flaws, I have 2 internships that I'm loving every second of, a job at UVU I like, a photography job that pays well, Barnes & Noble I start in October, and another interview for an additional job that could mean more steady income. I also am making astonishing and astounding progress on my book that I really think after it's published will be a tremendous success.
Apart from money, there's really nothing in my life I can complain about right now. I'm confident in being alone & self-sufficient & independent, not requiring a man to make me happy; although there is someone who has made his way back into my life right now.
I feel like I'm finally at my best. As of this time, at this point I've come to, I feel as if I'm the best I can be right now.
I've been trying very hard to not swear, to serve others both people I know & strangers, to be more optimistic & have more faith, to take control of my check book, & to expand & enlarge my mind with constant reading & writing.
Every time I listen to this song, all I can think about is how happy I've become. Happiness really is a choice, a lifestyle, and not a circumstantial thing.
You're like a chance I had to take in my life
I found you and couldn't lose you
And all the difference that you make in my life
The feelings I never knew
I guess I must've saved an empty place in my heart
For you to come and fill this space in my heart
And long before I said, I loved you
I loved you
Whatever happens this is true in my life
When all the springs have come and gone
Whatever doors I may go through in my life
Whatever else that I may do in my life
You'll always be something new in my life
From now on
I know there always will be you in my life
From now on
I know there always will be you in my life
From now on
xoxo
Megatron
I've finally made it. I'm finally here, at a place where I'm the most happy I've ever been and it feels so good to have finally arrived.
I should provide some backstory to this post. Several extremely hard trials & hardships have come up over the past 2 months or so. To spare you all of the disgusting, intimate details, I'll just leave it at this:
1.) In addition to moving from one apartment to another, I've had a copious amount of financial complications. My car was towed in my own parking lot for being in the visitor's parking space while my space was taken. When I went to contest it the d-bag told me that "it wasn't fair to the other visitors when you have a parking spot." Oh yeah, because first off people ONLY go to visit people at apartments for 30 mins or less AND there's going to be a lot of them coming at 12:00 on a school night. Yes, that makes perfect sense. Schmuck. On top of the fact that my deposit was twice as much as I thought it was going to be, and trying to get my stupid car fixed in order to get it registered in the miserable state of Utah, and other bills & financial obligations I had to take care of. I was very close to being homeless for 2 weeks there for a while. But with the help of a very dear, kind, compassionate friend I was able to take care of everything that needed to be taken care of.
2.) Another thing that was & is still going on under the surface was a very unhealthy relationship that was probably the most poisonous I've ever been in. I don't have any hard feelings towards the man, but needless to say I felt very violated after it ended. I feel horrible that I've become much more aloof and cold to many of the guys in my ward & other men who I know would never do anything to hurt me, but I guess that just goes to show that you don't get over something of that magnitude in a day.
However, in spite of all of this, I really feel that I am in a great place in my life right now. I have 2 wonderful roommates, the only real & genuine girls in my entire ward, I have very close, dear friends that are still in contact with me, both in Utah & Idaho & in other areas of the country, I have an amazing family that still loves me despite my many flaws, I have 2 internships that I'm loving every second of, a job at UVU I like, a photography job that pays well, Barnes & Noble I start in October, and another interview for an additional job that could mean more steady income. I also am making astonishing and astounding progress on my book that I really think after it's published will be a tremendous success.
Apart from money, there's really nothing in my life I can complain about right now. I'm confident in being alone & self-sufficient & independent, not requiring a man to make me happy; although there is someone who has made his way back into my life right now.
I feel like I'm finally at my best. As of this time, at this point I've come to, I feel as if I'm the best I can be right now.
I've been trying very hard to not swear, to serve others both people I know & strangers, to be more optimistic & have more faith, to take control of my check book, & to expand & enlarge my mind with constant reading & writing.
Every time I listen to this song, all I can think about is how happy I've become. Happiness really is a choice, a lifestyle, and not a circumstantial thing.
I found you and couldn't lose you
And all the difference that you make in my life
The feelings I never knew
I guess I must've saved an empty place in my heart
For you to come and fill this space in my heart
And long before I said, I loved you
I loved you
Whatever happens this is true in my life
When all the springs have come and gone
Whatever doors I may go through in my life
Whatever else that I may do in my life
You'll always be something new in my life
From now on
I know there always will be you in my life
From now on
I know there always will be you in my life
From now on
xoxo
Megatron
Monday, September 3, 2012
"And then if thou endure it well..."
So the past 2 weeks, more specifically, the past 2 months have definitely been the hardest since I left college.
I have never felt so alone and so trapped in a very long time. & it is probably of my own making, partly. There's no doubt that I've been exluding myself from certain people in my life, and trying to do everything myself.
To sum up everything that's happened, I'll be brief:
1.) A particular experience with a man put such an extremely bad taste in my mouth that ever since then, I've had absolutely no desire to date or even hang out with new guys. To spare you all the sticky, unpleasant details, my trust was betrayed probably the worst it's ever been betrayed this time around.
2.) I moved out of my old place which is a good thing, but the new place I'm in is a bit more expensive than I had anticipated, compounded with the fact that I'm not sure how I'm gonna like hanging out with kids younger than me & still in college. I really am done with that phase of my life. It was fun for a while, but I have no interest in hanging with any clique-ish, high maintenance, superficial appearance-oriented, Utah people, which seems to make up the majority of my ward.
3.) Certain huge financial hiccups have happened, including my car, making it almost impossible to make ends meet, in addition to the deposit & first month of rent that I had to shell out so I wouldn't be homeless.
4.) My stagnant job search, and the fact that I'm not making the amount of money I should with the experience and Bachelor's degree that I have.
All in all, it probably doesn't sound like too much to handle. I think what I'm most frustrated with is that I haven't really gotten a break. All of this has piled up & piled up & piled up all at once. & I really don't think I've "endured" my trials well, simply because I've been on the verge of tears for 4 weeks. This place, Provo, Utah has been rejecting me like a bad kidney transplant. I feel so out of place right now & the only place I do want to be is New York. It's been such a pressing need to get out there, and I really don't know why.
Either way, to finish up this post I'll simply say this: The only real good thing that I can see from this is that maybe there's something really good on the horizon. Whenever there has been such a huge period of extreme suffering and affliction, I know that's the Lord preparing me for something big. Something is about to break through for me, whether it's with my career, with my writing, or with my dating, I know that something is on its way to me. And that comforts me every time I sink lower and lower into the trap of self-pity. I do know that things will get better.
"There is help and happiness ahead. It will be alright in the end. Trust God & believe in good things to come."
I have never felt so alone and so trapped in a very long time. & it is probably of my own making, partly. There's no doubt that I've been exluding myself from certain people in my life, and trying to do everything myself.
To sum up everything that's happened, I'll be brief:
1.) A particular experience with a man put such an extremely bad taste in my mouth that ever since then, I've had absolutely no desire to date or even hang out with new guys. To spare you all the sticky, unpleasant details, my trust was betrayed probably the worst it's ever been betrayed this time around.
2.) I moved out of my old place which is a good thing, but the new place I'm in is a bit more expensive than I had anticipated, compounded with the fact that I'm not sure how I'm gonna like hanging out with kids younger than me & still in college. I really am done with that phase of my life. It was fun for a while, but I have no interest in hanging with any clique-ish, high maintenance, superficial appearance-oriented, Utah people, which seems to make up the majority of my ward.
3.) Certain huge financial hiccups have happened, including my car, making it almost impossible to make ends meet, in addition to the deposit & first month of rent that I had to shell out so I wouldn't be homeless.
4.) My stagnant job search, and the fact that I'm not making the amount of money I should with the experience and Bachelor's degree that I have.
All in all, it probably doesn't sound like too much to handle. I think what I'm most frustrated with is that I haven't really gotten a break. All of this has piled up & piled up & piled up all at once. & I really don't think I've "endured" my trials well, simply because I've been on the verge of tears for 4 weeks. This place, Provo, Utah has been rejecting me like a bad kidney transplant. I feel so out of place right now & the only place I do want to be is New York. It's been such a pressing need to get out there, and I really don't know why.
Either way, to finish up this post I'll simply say this: The only real good thing that I can see from this is that maybe there's something really good on the horizon. Whenever there has been such a huge period of extreme suffering and affliction, I know that's the Lord preparing me for something big. Something is about to break through for me, whether it's with my career, with my writing, or with my dating, I know that something is on its way to me. And that comforts me every time I sink lower and lower into the trap of self-pity. I do know that things will get better.
"There is help and happiness ahead. It will be alright in the end. Trust God & believe in good things to come."
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