If my life required a soundtrack, I'm pretty sure this song would be on the album. Usually there are certain songs by certain artists that I'm drawn to for some reason. This particular song I was exposed to right before I went to Europe a year ago this semester. I listened to this song every single day of the trip because it emulated every single thing I was feeling the entire 6 weeks I was there.
"All I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head."
I never wanted to leave. Everyone else had boyfriends, family, fiancees or wives to go home to, and were ready to go back about a day or two before our trip came to an end. For me, I sank into a depression because I didn't want to go back. I felt like I finally came into myself on this trip I took. I finally came to a place where I was happy. Safe. Whole. Sound.
I started off as a soft mold at the beginning, and turned into a solid substance by the end of it. I didn't want to lose that. I never felt more at home than when I was in the convent in Rome, in the homeless shelter in Florence, on the lake in Austria, gallivanting with Leif in the quaint village in Fougeres, and drinking in the night air in Granada. I was at peace. Where else would I find that?
Yet, every time I listen to that song, it means more and more to me now than it did a year ago. I'm not sure why the meaning of it has changed so much. Maybe it's because I've changed, or my situation is harder than it was. Either way, this song has comforted me and helped me through days when I didn't even want to get out of bed, let alone take on the responsibilities I had. So, here's to you OneRepublic. And thank you.
Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Did you trade it for something, somewhere
Better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong but nothings
Turned out how you want it
Well bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you wont let go
Of anything you hold
Well all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
You're best look
You're praying that you'll make it
Well bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you wont let go
Of anything you hold
Well all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Better than you have it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Do you think you can find it
Better than you have it
Better than you have it
Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Said all I need is the air I breathe
And a place to rest my head
Do you know where the end is
Do you think you can see it
Until you get there
Go on
Go ahead and scream it
Just say
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Dangerous
There was something I found in his eyes. Something so piercing and so penetrating in their gaze that it literally made me feel like my brain was turning into scrambled eggs. I felt naked. Exposed. Completely open, like a back door on the porch of my Georgia house. Seeing inside me, all the good and the not so good. All the traits I was proud of, and the ones I wish nobody knew about. As I watch him watch me in the darkness at 12:30 A.M. in my blue, rusty, bumper-sticker encased Honda Civic I feel as if for the first time, someone I scarcely knew, someone I met not seven hours earlier, knew everything there was to know about my twenty two years of existence. I was a puzzle put completely together. I was a rubix cube figured out. I was a sailor’s knot completely undone.
I was frightened. The only thing keeping my body strapped to the seat I was in was just my flesh and bone. Everything else was just superfluous. The steering wheel, the seatbelt, the roof of the car. All of it wasn’t really there. It was all relative. As he traced my face with his hand, stroked my arm and finally landed on my leg I couldn’t look at him anymore. Something flashed before my eyes, a memory, a nightmare that I wished to forget. I couldn’t meet his gaze for fear that he would see the same thing I saw.
It was a hospital. Not so out of the ordinary, and certainly not awfully portrayed like something from a Stephen King movie, but just a building. With doctors, nurses, scapels, and heart monitors. I’m in an elevator. A gray, metallic box shooting up about six stories to a floor where my family was waiting for me. I should have been at school, but I wasn’t complaining. Any place, even a hospital, was better than my middle school. The doors open, I walk out and there is my mother with tears strewn across her face. I was confused. My dad was out of surgery a week ago. The danger was behind us wasn’t it? This thought was quickly stripped from my mind as soon as she uttered her first words to me. “I’m sorry honey, he’s gone.” I heard her say it. I recognized the words uttered. But the synapses in my brain weren’t firing. There was no comprehension. He couldn’t be gone. He was just here! As her arms enveloped mine, I stayed frozen. Glued to the very spot where only seconds earlier, my world was complete. Together. Unified. But as she drew me in to hug me, my world was blasted apart. Like a ship after a cannonball blew through the rigging. My safe twelve year old universe was suddenly ripped open, torn from me as if the wind suddenly stole my kite and blew it thousands of miles away.
The tears started and seemed to never stop.
Now, ten years later, I sit in a dimly lit car, with a man who in no way resembles my father. The blue eyes, light hair and lean body doesn’t remind me of my father in the slightest. The inflections of his voice, his interests, his sense of humor and personality are 180 degrees opposite of my dead parent. But I suddenly knew why I was reminded of that horrible day a decade ago. As I watch this man, not a few inches away from me, I realize how dangerous I suddenly was. I was a grenade thrown across the battlefield with the pin out. Only moments away from combusting and throwing shrapnel everywhere. As I watch his hands draw closer to me, and see his eyes catch the glint of the street lamps as he leans in to me, I come to the realization that I am not safe. It wasn’t him. It was me. I couldn’t afford to lose myself, like I did on that January day. A man, whom I cared about so deeply. A man, who I admired and looked up to so much. A man, who was my guardian was snatched away from me in a moment. I couldn’t let that happen again.
There was no way I could possibly allow myself to feel the way I felt towards my father, towards this man sitting beside me. I couldn’t care about him. I couldn’t rely on him. I couldn’t trust him. And yet, I already knew it was too late. I cared about him a great deal more than I should have. Relied on him completely. And trusted him fully.
I am dangerous. I am combustible. I am flamible.
I was frightened. The only thing keeping my body strapped to the seat I was in was just my flesh and bone. Everything else was just superfluous. The steering wheel, the seatbelt, the roof of the car. All of it wasn’t really there. It was all relative. As he traced my face with his hand, stroked my arm and finally landed on my leg I couldn’t look at him anymore. Something flashed before my eyes, a memory, a nightmare that I wished to forget. I couldn’t meet his gaze for fear that he would see the same thing I saw.
It was a hospital. Not so out of the ordinary, and certainly not awfully portrayed like something from a Stephen King movie, but just a building. With doctors, nurses, scapels, and heart monitors. I’m in an elevator. A gray, metallic box shooting up about six stories to a floor where my family was waiting for me. I should have been at school, but I wasn’t complaining. Any place, even a hospital, was better than my middle school. The doors open, I walk out and there is my mother with tears strewn across her face. I was confused. My dad was out of surgery a week ago. The danger was behind us wasn’t it? This thought was quickly stripped from my mind as soon as she uttered her first words to me. “I’m sorry honey, he’s gone.” I heard her say it. I recognized the words uttered. But the synapses in my brain weren’t firing. There was no comprehension. He couldn’t be gone. He was just here! As her arms enveloped mine, I stayed frozen. Glued to the very spot where only seconds earlier, my world was complete. Together. Unified. But as she drew me in to hug me, my world was blasted apart. Like a ship after a cannonball blew through the rigging. My safe twelve year old universe was suddenly ripped open, torn from me as if the wind suddenly stole my kite and blew it thousands of miles away.
The tears started and seemed to never stop.
Now, ten years later, I sit in a dimly lit car, with a man who in no way resembles my father. The blue eyes, light hair and lean body doesn’t remind me of my father in the slightest. The inflections of his voice, his interests, his sense of humor and personality are 180 degrees opposite of my dead parent. But I suddenly knew why I was reminded of that horrible day a decade ago. As I watch this man, not a few inches away from me, I realize how dangerous I suddenly was. I was a grenade thrown across the battlefield with the pin out. Only moments away from combusting and throwing shrapnel everywhere. As I watch his hands draw closer to me, and see his eyes catch the glint of the street lamps as he leans in to me, I come to the realization that I am not safe. It wasn’t him. It was me. I couldn’t afford to lose myself, like I did on that January day. A man, whom I cared about so deeply. A man, who I admired and looked up to so much. A man, who was my guardian was snatched away from me in a moment. I couldn’t let that happen again.
There was no way I could possibly allow myself to feel the way I felt towards my father, towards this man sitting beside me. I couldn’t care about him. I couldn’t rely on him. I couldn’t trust him. And yet, I already knew it was too late. I cared about him a great deal more than I should have. Relied on him completely. And trusted him fully.
I am dangerous. I am combustible. I am flamible.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
I just don't even know
Lately I have had tremendous feelings of being overwhelmed, confused and all around frustrated. As if school, work, church and photography side projects weren't enough to completely drown me, there are some other interesting contributers as well. Today I went to R mountain with a friend of mine and his roommates. I'm not sure why, there's no reason for it, but I was on the verge of tears the entire time. I have also been on the verge of tears for this entire week.
Why?
My life isn't bad. It's not perfect, but it's not bad. It's busy. It's complicated. But it's not bad. So why have I been feeling like I'm completely drowning? I can't seem to catch my breath. And it doesn't quite help that I've been having some strange and mixed feelings for the men in my life. I feel as if all the faculties of my soul have been poured out and nothings replenishing it. I try so hard to be a good person, to be nice to everyone (at least try to) and yet I feel as if from the people I rely on most, I don't quite get the same kind of reciprocation that I expect in return.
I don't ask for much, I don't think. Just a reassurance that I'll never be a burden, an obligation or a commodity. I ask for honesty, being completely upfront about everything. And lastly, I ask that I can come to you in my times of need & that you'll always be there. It won't take long. Just maybe a few minutes to get something off my chest and then have you hug me and tell me that everything that's going wrong in my life will be okay.
I ask that you don't toy with my emotions. I ask that you make it abundantly clear exactly what is going on at all times and that if something changes, you tell me as soon as it does.
Like the title of the post says, I just don't know. I hate not knowing. The unknown is my least favorite thing on this planet. But I feel like it's everywhere in my life right now.
I've been praying that the friends I've recently made would know I'm not usually a spaz/basketcase/flighty person. Because that's what I've been feeling recently. I feel like I haven't been myself. But the real problem is, do I even know who I really am? I thought I knew. I'm high strung, dramatic, emotionally driven, slightly eccentric, selfless, fiercely loyal, loving, easy-going and overall a nut job.
But is that really me? And how do I know if it's me when I act like it? I just don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore.
I'm not even sure what I'm saying. All that I know is, I'm confused. And I wish that I could spill my guts out to someone, but I honestly don't know who has time or who even wants to listen.
Mega Mega
Why?
My life isn't bad. It's not perfect, but it's not bad. It's busy. It's complicated. But it's not bad. So why have I been feeling like I'm completely drowning? I can't seem to catch my breath. And it doesn't quite help that I've been having some strange and mixed feelings for the men in my life. I feel as if all the faculties of my soul have been poured out and nothings replenishing it. I try so hard to be a good person, to be nice to everyone (at least try to) and yet I feel as if from the people I rely on most, I don't quite get the same kind of reciprocation that I expect in return.
I don't ask for much, I don't think. Just a reassurance that I'll never be a burden, an obligation or a commodity. I ask for honesty, being completely upfront about everything. And lastly, I ask that I can come to you in my times of need & that you'll always be there. It won't take long. Just maybe a few minutes to get something off my chest and then have you hug me and tell me that everything that's going wrong in my life will be okay.
I ask that you don't toy with my emotions. I ask that you make it abundantly clear exactly what is going on at all times and that if something changes, you tell me as soon as it does.
Like the title of the post says, I just don't know. I hate not knowing. The unknown is my least favorite thing on this planet. But I feel like it's everywhere in my life right now.
I've been praying that the friends I've recently made would know I'm not usually a spaz/basketcase/flighty person. Because that's what I've been feeling recently. I feel like I haven't been myself. But the real problem is, do I even know who I really am? I thought I knew. I'm high strung, dramatic, emotionally driven, slightly eccentric, selfless, fiercely loyal, loving, easy-going and overall a nut job.
But is that really me? And how do I know if it's me when I act like it? I just don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore.
I'm not even sure what I'm saying. All that I know is, I'm confused. And I wish that I could spill my guts out to someone, but I honestly don't know who has time or who even wants to listen.
Mega Mega
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