Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Mid-afternoon Musings

So this is what happens when someone from work gives me a droll, tedious, monotonous, excruciatingly painful job that I just can't stand to do anymore.

Let's just say it includes an excel spreadsheet and four books on Aviation.


So I'm updating my blog instead :) Many of the breaks I've taken from this awful busy work has been googling sights in Austria and listening to parts of The Sound of Christmas with Julie Andrews, Placido Domingo, John Denver & the King's Singers. This has inspired me to do some research as to how expensive it would be to travel to Austria next Christmas, or at least next winter for a week or two.

Then it hit me; there's literally nothing keeping me from travelling whenever the heck I want. I don't have school or tests I'd miss, my car's paid off & all I have going on is work which is extraordinarily easy to take time off for events like this. And most importantly, I want to do a Sound of Christmas inspired tour of Austria around that time of year! Go to Mondsee Cathedral where Placido sang O Holy Night & Something New in My Life with Julie, go to Werfen Castle where Julie sang In the Bleak Midwinter & go to Leopoldskron Castle where Julie, Placido, John & the King's Singers sang and danced to various & assorted Christmas songs.

How amazing would that be? To see Salzburg covered completely in white & dripping with Christmas lights & music.

If that alone doesn't convince you I'm brilliant, let me bring in some visuals that may change your mind.

Mondsee Cathedral, Salzburg Austria 

Leopoldskron Castle, Salzburg Austria

Ballroom at Leopoldskron Castle

Werfen Castle, Salzburg Castle 

Convinced yet? Me too. So my tentative plan is putting aside money every month from here till next May & then buy my plane ticket! Now I realize that things could definitely change between now and then, but this does give me something to look forward to. I've been missing Europe horribly for the past few months and I think the reason why it's been especially acute is the mere fact that I haven't been on a vacation, a real vacation without running around helping out with weddings or other major family events, in far too long. Out of all the countries I could go to, this is probably one of the safest ones and one where I won't have to worry too much about the language either.

So regardless on whether I go or not, it is something in the back of my head that will encourage and inspire me to get through the next year with something to look forward to. I'd love a white Christmas in a beautiful city in a beautiful country. This is the home of my favorite composer & where some of my favorite paintings are located.

I know it's crazy, and chances of me actually going are slim because I have a feeling I'm on the brink of a lot of changes going on, but usually I get my hopes up too high too fast. If my life comes crashing down between now and then, I will have this to look forward to. Something that will recharge my batteries, bring me peace of mind and more photographs to add to my facebook page :)


Sunday, September 23, 2012

"Something New in My Life"

I'm probably jumping the gun a bit on music/movies that are usually saved for Christmas, but this song I absolutely adore <3. I seriously can't stop listening to it & I think, aside from the fact that it's the incredible Julie Andrews & superb Placido Domingo singing it, the lyrics are so perfect for me right now.

I've finally made it. I'm finally here, at a place where I'm the most happy I've ever been and it feels so good to have finally arrived.

I should provide some backstory to this post. Several extremely hard trials & hardships have come up over the past 2 months or so. To spare you all of the disgusting, intimate details, I'll just leave it at this:

1.) In addition to moving from one apartment to another, I've had a copious amount of financial complications. My car was towed in my own parking lot for being in the visitor's parking space while my space was taken. When I went to contest it the d-bag told me that "it wasn't fair to the other visitors when you have a parking spot." Oh yeah, because first off people ONLY go to visit people at apartments for 30 mins or less AND there's going to be a lot of them coming at 12:00 on a school night. Yes, that makes perfect sense. Schmuck. On top of the fact that my deposit was twice as much as I thought it was going to be, and trying to get my stupid car fixed in order to get it registered in the miserable state of Utah, and other bills & financial obligations I had to take care of. I was very close to being homeless for 2 weeks there for a while. But with the help of a very dear, kind, compassionate friend I was able to take care of everything that needed to be taken care of.

2.) Another thing that was & is still going on under the surface was a very unhealthy relationship that was probably the most poisonous I've ever been in. I don't have any hard feelings towards the man, but needless to say I felt very violated after it ended. I feel horrible that I've become much more aloof and cold to many of the guys in my ward & other men who I know would never do anything to hurt me, but I guess that just goes to show that you don't get over something of that magnitude in a day.

However, in spite of all of this, I really feel that I am in a great place in my life right now. I have 2 wonderful roommates, the only real & genuine girls in my entire ward, I have very close, dear friends that are still in contact with me, both in Utah & Idaho & in other areas of the country, I have an amazing family that still loves me despite my many flaws, I have 2 internships that I'm loving every second of, a job at UVU I like, a photography job that pays well, Barnes & Noble I start in October, and another interview for an additional job that could mean more steady income. I also am making astonishing and astounding progress on my book that I really think after it's published will be a tremendous success.

Apart from money, there's really nothing in my life I can complain about right now. I'm confident in being alone & self-sufficient & independent, not requiring a man to make me happy; although there is someone who has made his way back into my life right now.

I feel like I'm finally at my best. As of this time, at this point I've come to, I feel as if I'm the best I can be right now.

I've been trying very hard to not swear, to serve others both people I know & strangers, to be more optimistic & have more faith, to take control of my check book, & to expand & enlarge my mind with constant reading & writing.

Every time I listen to this song, all I can think about is how happy I've become. Happiness really is a choice, a lifestyle, and not a circumstantial thing.

You're like a chance I had to take in my life
I found you and couldn't lose you
And all the difference that you make in my life
The feelings I never knew

I guess I must've saved an empty place in my heart
For you to come and fill this space in my heart
And long before I said, I loved you
I loved you

Whatever happens this is true in my life
When all the springs have come and gone
Whatever doors I may go through in my life
Whatever else that I may do in my life

You'll always be something new in my life
From now on
I know there always will be you in my life
From now on

I know there always will be you in  my life
From now on


Monday, September 3, 2012

"And then if thou endure it well..."

So the past 2 weeks, more specifically, the past 2 months have definitely been the hardest since I left college.

I have never felt so alone and so trapped in a very long time. & it is probably of my own making, partly. There's no doubt that I've been exluding myself from certain people in my life, and trying to do everything myself.

To sum up everything that's happened, I'll be brief:
1.) A particular experience with a man put such an extremely bad taste in my mouth that ever since then, I've had absolutely no desire to date or even hang out with new guys. To spare you all the sticky, unpleasant details, my trust was betrayed probably the worst it's ever been betrayed this time around.
2.) I moved out of my old place which is a good thing, but the new place I'm in is a bit more expensive than I had anticipated, compounded with the fact that I'm not sure how I'm gonna like hanging out with kids younger than me & still in college. I really am done with that phase of my life. It was fun for a while, but I have no interest in hanging with any clique-ish, high maintenance, superficial appearance-oriented, Utah people, which seems to make up the majority of my ward.
3.) Certain huge financial hiccups have happened, including my car, making it almost impossible to make ends meet, in addition to the deposit & first month of rent that I had to shell out so I wouldn't be homeless.
4.) My stagnant job search, and the fact that I'm not making the amount of money I should with the experience and Bachelor's degree that I have.

All in all, it probably doesn't sound like too much to handle. I think what I'm most frustrated with is that I haven't really gotten a break. All of this has piled up & piled up & piled up all at once. & I really don't think I've "endured" my trials well, simply because I've been on the verge of tears for 4 weeks. This place, Provo, Utah has been rejecting me like a bad kidney transplant. I feel so out of place right now & the only place I do want to be is New York. It's been such a pressing need to get out there, and I really don't know why.

Either way, to finish up this post I'll simply say this: The only real good thing that I can see from this is that maybe there's something really good on the horizon. Whenever there has been such a huge period of extreme suffering and affliction, I know that's the Lord preparing me for something big. Something is about to break through for me, whether it's with my career, with my writing, or with my dating, I know that something is on its way to me. And that comforts me every time I sink lower and lower into the trap of self-pity. I do know that things will get better.

"There is help and happiness ahead. It will be alright in the end. Trust God & believe in good things to come."