Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Unnecessary Stressing

I am notorious for being a worrier. I get it from my mom so I think it's genetic. Anything from money to the future to boys to when the hell am I gonna graduate. It all piles up on itself until one day I just have a nervous breakdown. Realizing that this isn't healthy I decided to maybe vent a little on this blog & hopefully, this might help lessen the build up of unnecessary stress.

First off, the thing I've been worrying a lot lately is my future. My future as far as getting married, my future with my career, my future with my dreams, my future job, even where I'm gonna be living after I graduate. All of these deal with my future after BYU-Idaho. There's a part of me that's honestly gonna miss it up here in Rexburg. Despite the horrid winters, the almost claustrophobic small town situation, and the stereotypes that always accompany a community or school that has a high population of mormons, I really will miss it up here after I graduate. My middle & high school experiences were total jokes. I hated every waking minute of them both. If I could find a way to erase all of the damaging experiences inflicted on me in high school & middle school I would. College was the first place where I actually found out who I was & was finally happy with myself both physically and spiritually. I tend to refer to my high school experience as "The Dark Ages" of my life. Likewise, College was the Renaissance or the Enlightenment period for me. I grew as an individual in confidence, self-assurance & happiness as well as a daughter of God. So that's just one of the things that I've been thinking about.

Another issue, concerning my future, is my future spouse, my eternal companion. This is a very touchy & sensitive subject with me & I try to avoid it at all costs, but it is something that is constantly plaguing my mind. Right now I am dating someone. A very amazing, charming, wonderful, funny, rugged, strong, spiritual, ambitious, patient, kind someone & I'm very lucky to have him in my life to finally teach me what it's like to actually be in a POSITIVE & HEALTHY relationship. The past several relationship (minus the most recent) have been very unhealthy, very negative relationships and even though I have come to a point where I do forgive the men that damaged me, I still have the scars that remain ever present on my conscious. It has been about 2 years since these relationships have occurred (all 3 back to back) but I still even to this day see the effects that they have on me today. I shy away from sharing what's bothering me because I'm afraid of getting yelled at, getting brushed under the rug, or just not even being heard at all. All of which has happened to me before. I still to this day get terribly afraid that one day there'll be an argument or disagreement or even a slight difference of opinion and he'll walk out slamming the door & never come back again. I still fear that one day I'll wake up & no longer be wanted anymore--no longer be cared about.

However, with this most recent development with this new man in my life, I'm learning everyday that there are a few good guys left on this planet & that I can actually date the guys who are whole, who don't need any fixing or convincing. This man in my life right now has an amazing testimony, a great sense of humor, a wonderful ambition to be successful in all his pursuits, an incredibly patient disposition which is probably my most important quality that I look for in a man. Thus far, things are good & are continually getting better. I hope & pray everyday to know with a certainty about my future & who it involves & I can only continue doing so until I get an answer. All I can do as of right now is just keep the faith! :)

That's about it for now. Thoughts? Suggestions? Whatever ya wanna say!


Late night musings...

Well I don't wanna go to bed. Last night I had a terrible time falling asleep with so many things on my mind both good & bad that I figure purging them all here might help me get some sleep tonight. If none of this makes sense I apologize in advance haha.

This past weekend has been a very busy one. I started off my weekend going to Broulims & ended up in the Madison County Hospital... needless to say not a very good start to my Saturday. But it was a lesson well learned & I've learned a lot from both being in an ambulance & sitting in a hospital room. No biggie, I'm totally fine now, but it's just kinda fun to reminisce & look back on the experience. I suppose I should give some background as to why I ended up there in the first place.

I had a few fainting spells about 2 weeks ago which I shrugged off because I thought it was just because I wasn't eating enough. (I have a high metabolism so if I even skip breakfast by 11:00 I'm in trouble) This time, however, it was a bit different considering it was due to *cough cough* feminine issues... yeah anyways, I decided to drive to get some medicine for that little problem (men be glad you don't have to deal with this) and started immediately feeling horrible when I was at the light across the street from Broulim's. Blackness gathered at the corners of my eyes & I said several prayers out loud begging Heavenly Father to get me to the parking lot so I don't get into a wreck which luckily I did. I laid down in my car feeling worse & worse and finally decided to try walking into Broulims. If I could just make it to a bathroom I'll be fine, I kept thinking. No such luck! I started getting more nauseous and dizzy until finally several times I nearly fainted in the parking lot outside of the store. People came up to me asking if I was okay & I kept saying over and over I'm fine I just need to get to a bathroom. Well, I ended up passing out just inside by the carts...

Next thing I knew they were calling the ambulance and the first thing that went through my mind was "Oh shit... how am I going to pay for this?" haha, then I see EMT's everywhere asking if I was okay, what are my symptoms, do I have any medical history etc etc. Well I end up throwing up twice & then after that an IV stuck up in me on my way to the hospital. I wasn't about to go, but I knew my mom would kill me if she found out I refused so I finally gave in & went. I'm sure I don't need to explain my extreme displeasure in being at a hospital... especially with my family history with hospitals & doctors. Needless to say I start feeling anxious and uncontrollably start shaking. This is where my lessons come in...

First off, Ambulance people (EMTs etc) are way cooler than nurses/doctors etc. They were joking around with me & asking me questions about my life & seemed genuinely concerned about me the entire time. They even offered to get me a blanket when I was safe & sound in the room at the hospital & jokingly told the nurse that I liked them better than her :)

Second off, it definitely SUCKS when you're alone in a hospital room where all your loved ones & friends are miles & miles away from you. Well the first person I call is Chris, naturally, & tell him what went down. He definitely was a lot easier to talk to than my mom & didn't freak out (probably because he knew I was being taken care of whereas when I passed out at work, I wasn't around people who knew how to take care of me). I never realized how much I missed him until I heard his voice & immediately all I want is for my hand to be held by him, so another lesson to be learned is that, if you must pass out/be taken to the hospital, make sure you happen to do it with people around to take care of you :) just if you can of course haha

And thirdly, you are definitely overreacting when a nurse asks if you have a living will as one of the "mandatory questions" they ask. Right when she said that I replied, "Do you know something I don't? Should I? This is definitely the time to make sure I leave Audra all my clothes & jewelry..." turns out though, it's just a standard procedure. Just fyi.

Well that was my little adventure this past weekend! Sorry if this is new to anyone, I did post it on facebook for a while, but like I said, it's not a big deal at all because I'm fine now :) No harm done!


So I guess it had been too long since I logged in here...

And therefore the blogger people kicked me off! Well ya can't get rid of me that easy! So I decided to write a new blog & be a little better about keeping up with it. I am always so jealous when I see my sister, mom & friend's blogs all cooler than mine with hundreds of entries compared to my lame blog that has a generic template with 4 entries all months apart. So here are some things that I'm gonna try doing better come this semester:

1. Work out more (even though Jillian Michaels will definitely be the death of me. I sometimes have nightmares of her coming out of the T.V. & mauling me because I haven't done her 40 minute work out)
2. Be better at being clean & organized (to a lot of you this doesn't come as a shock at all. You merely have to peek through my car windows and BLAM-O, you see a complete disaster.)
3. Not stress out about so many things. (My poor boyfriend must ram his head against the wall every time I have a minor freak out.)
4. Do better managing my money (be smarter about buying cheap but good food since that's mostly what I spend my money on! I'm a weird girl... no shoes or clothes or purses or any of that crap. Just food haha)

Well there you have it! My Fall Semester resolution. We'll see how long this lasts... haha.


xoxo Mega-Mega