Friday, July 22, 2011

My career choice

I've come to a realization today. It's not a surprising one, but it did take me off guard a little bit.

Graduation is a great accomplishment, and I'm very glad to be done with this long & difficult chapter in my life.

I'm happy to be moving down to Provo and starting a new life. But the thing is, now that I'm graduated, and now that I'm deciding on a career (haven't the foggiest on what that might be), I've realized that I don't wanna work.

I know what I wanna do. It's something that I've wanted for a while.

I just wanna be a wife. My job, my ideal occupation, is to make a home, cook a fantastic dinner, dote on my husband when he gets home from work and give my entire life and my entire heart to him. Devote every second of every day to making him happy.

Then, I want to add on, giving my life and my heart to my children. Teach them how to read. Play with them. Spark their imagination. Watch Muppet & Disney movies with them. Be there for them when they get scrapes or bruises, and teach them how to throw a punch at a kid who's picking on them.

That's what I want. It's not fancy. It's not a high-paying, lofty goal. It's not a position of grandeur. But it's what I want. It's what I've wanted for a while.

And for whatever reason, I can't seem to get it, no matter how often I apply for it.


Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Why does everything good have to change/go away? I feel as if things are changing in my life right now & I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I'm not sure what it is, I'm not sure how to fix it, I don't even know where to start.

All I know is, I wish things were back to what they were 5 weeks ago. I'm not adaptable. I don't do change well.

Good thing I wasn't born during the Jurassic period or I woulda been screwed along with the dinosaurs.


Monday, July 18, 2011

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Oh boy...

So, this week is the last week of being a student for a long time. As much as I would love to get a Master's, I feel like it's a bad time to do that financially.

Bottom line is, I'm scared crapless. I've been going to school for more than 75% of my life... now that it's over for the time being, what the eff am I gonna do? My degree isn't a very easy one to find a job in. I'm not particularly good at research and I despise editing and I'll be damned if I'm gonna be a high school English teacher.

Then there's the joyous experience of being single and not dating the guy that I want. I should be happy. There's nothing wrong with my life. There's nothing but good stuff awaiting me, right?


Why is it that I feel like I'm stuck? I feel like I'm ramming my face against a brick wall so much I'm gonna end up looking like a flat-faced cat. I just don't know where I'm going. I feel like Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady. What's to become of me? What am I fit for? Who will want me?

I just wish things weren't so hazy. I'm living my life in a thick fog and I don't like it. I don't like wanting something I can't have.

Whatever. I don't care. At least, that's what I'm gonna try to convince myself of for the next foreseeable future.


Thursday, July 14, 2011


I kinda went crazy with a photography project where I had to do animated gifs. My good friend Zack was happy to do this for me :)

Happy late birthday Zack! ♥



Zack skateboarding

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I'm not sure I can do this anymore

Between putting my heart in the ringer once more, to making mistakes in my classes to forgetting homework, to stressing out over post-graduation I'm just not sure if I have the stamina to put up with it all anymore.

I'm sure I'll look back on this time in my life and think what a great learning experience this was. I'll see that hindsight is 20-20 and I'll laugh at myself at how much I stressed and cried over everything that's gone on.

But right now, the only feeling that's been ever present, has been helplessness. I've never felt so small or insignificant before. Never been so weak or hopeless.

I'm just so tired. And I wish that things in my life were different. Or at least, simpler.

There are so many conflicting emotions going on within me right now, and I haven't the time nor the energy to sort them all out.

I know I'm speaking in vague generalities right now, but I'm afraid to be any more specific. All I will say is that, first dating sucks. Second, I have mixed feelings about the future of my life, and third, I'm sick of putting myself out there to get the same result every time. I'm not complaining. I'm just stating the facts. I've devised a playlist for this certain point in my life right now. Here are a few of the songs:

1.) You Can't Hurry Love by Phil Collins
2.) Just Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble
3.) I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt
4.) Just a Kiss by Lady Antebellum
5.) Last Kiss by Taylor Swift

Let me just end with this one wish. I hope there are high maintenance/bratty/ugly girls in Provo....