Saturday, January 29, 2011

First time getting stitches!

Ever. And boy are they a be-yotch.

To give some background as to how this happened, let me explain. See, what had happened was, for a few years now I've had this really weird, spider bite-looking lump in the crevice between my leg and pelvis. Needless to say, it's a very bizarre spot to have a cyst. Anyways, I've had it since I could remember, about 13 or 14 years old. I just kind of thought it was an ingrown hair or something and I thought it would go away eventually.

Well, it didn't. Years passed and it gradually got bigger. I thought that maybe I should get it looked at, could be cancerous, but I always brushed it off and thought, since I'm not dead, it must not be cancer. So I didn't worry about it as much.

Friday night, it turned an ugly shade of red and started throbbing. The next day it didn't feel any better so I decided to get it looked at officially. I figured I'd waited long enough.

So I got to the community care center in Rexburg and the doctor looks at, prods it, pokes at it for a good five minutes & tells me I have a "sebaceous cyst" which is basically where your sebaceous glands under your skin fills up and gets clogged with all kinds of nasty crap. Mine was in the process of getting infected.

He gave me two options, the first was to give me antibiotics and see if it gets a little better or to remove it entirely with just a small surgical procedure. Needless to say, I told him he might as well get rid of it, since I'm not gonna want to explain that sucker to my husband on our wedding night.

So he numbs my skin, and starts goin to town. A few times he stops to mention how large this thing is & tells me it's in such an awkward spot to operate on. Yah. In more ways than one pal. Why do you think I wear shorts over my bathing suit?

30 minutes later he finally stitches me up, and tells me that he has to stitch me up inside me and outside me. Awesome! Then he lets me look at the crap he pulled out of me.

I took pictures of it & sent it to my brother to see how bad the grossness factor really was on a scale of 1-10. I got a 22, and a "you sick bastard!" out of that text message so it basically got the reaction I wanted :)

I would post them on here, but I still want people to read my blog in the years to come! Haha.

Anywho, let's just say it was a very productive day for me. I'm all stitched up, I hurt like a mo-fo, but I'm very relieved to have this thing off my body. I'll be able to unabashedly wear a swim suit come July =)


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Time to drug up

I made a decision today that I hopefully won't regret in the future.

I've realized that I can't do this anymore by myself. I had a blow up the other night, after a lot of little things started adding up with other big things. What it all boils down to is this:

I'm miserable.

For many reasons. All of which lead back to the fact that I'm lonely. That the guys that I depend on so fully in my life won't always be there, whether it's by their choice or not. And it's my personal belief that maybe I still have unresolved issues concerning my dad and the fact that I have attachment issues that I thought was taken care of back in high school. Well, turns out, it's definitely not.

So, I'm on the waiting list at the counseling center, and tomorrow I'm going to set up an appointment with a doctor.

Because I just can't do this anymore. Every time I get stressed out, every time I deal with the whiplash of a broken heart, I always bottle it up & keep it in until it explodes. Which is precisely what happened. I behave irrationally. I lash out at people I care about. And then I'm constantly overwhelmed with this feeling of utter guilt that seems to drown me.

This is one roller coaster that I refuse to ride anymore.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I hate Januarys

9 years ago today was the crappiest day of my life. At a pivotal age, 12 years old, my dad was taken from me abruptly. Ever since then, I've never been the same. Ever since then, I've never stopped thinking about how different my life would be had he stuck around.

There was a girl in my ward who gave a lesson in Relief Society, & mentioned how she lost her cousin but luckily now she's "over it" through prayer & the Atonement and how she ended up being "okay with everything". I have no doubt that the Savior can lift us up in times of trial & affliction. But you don't "get over" losing someone, I'm sorry. No matter how much you pray. Maybe that's just me. Say I don't have "enough faith" or that I don't "rely on the Savior" like I should. But when all is said & done, I'm not gonna "be okay" until I see him again.

That is just one of the reasons why I'm not a fan of Relief Society--is when people say ignorant comments like that. She probably meant well. But the fact of the matter is, I will never get over losing one of the most important people of my life. I will never be okay with him not being here anymore.

You don't get over losing a parent to death. You're never okay with never seeing them again until you die. That's just the facts of life.

So dad, when I do end up seeing you again, I'm gonna sock you in the gut. Then give you the biggest hug in the world.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The 6 month plan

1.) Get through this semester without sticking my head in the oven.
2.) Graduate.
3.) Move to Utah.
4.) Start my career.
5.) Start living.

I think it's a pretty good plan so far. Just needs some tweaking. But I like it.


Sunday, January 9, 2011

A new semester has begun...

Well, it's finally here. A new semester, a fresh start. Which means new worries, new stresses and new mental breakdowns. All I can really say is that my stomach is definitely the place where I put all my stress. I have had more upset stomachs this week than I have the past 5 years.

To start off my stress, I'm taking 15 credits, which I know doesn't sound like that much, but 3 of them are upper division English classes, as well as an Islamic Humanities course & Spanish Literature (the entire class is conducted in Spanish. Joy.) On top of that I have my T.A. job, which I love & wouldn't give up for the world, and then just on Friday I recently got another part time job on campus as a scenic artist in the drama building painting scenery for plays. Try all that, plus balancing church callings AND a social life AND downtime for myself.... well let's just say that it's gonna be a juggling experiment.

Needless to say, this is going to be the hardest semester yet as far as classes go. But I am grateful for that. The busier I am the less time I have to worry about things that I can't control. The busier I am the less depression I have. However, I can already feel my blood pressure rise and my anxiety is at an all time high.

I got a blessing today from one of my good guy friends. I didn't realize how much pressure and stress I had been under until he was standing behind me getting ready to place his hands on my head. I started crying even before the blessing started! But I am so grateful, so thankful to him for always being there for me. I know I can go to him and any number of my good friends and roommates for anything, which is what I'm really going to need this semester.

After the blessing, I did feel much better about my situation. I had been fearful all week, and finally broke down crying in my car last night because I was so worried about my future and so anxious about where my life was going, if I had accomplished anything at all and where I was going to end up in 5 years. I honestly thought I'd be in a different place by now, that I'd be farther along than I already am.

There's an unfair stigma that seems to arise in the Church about single females who graduate from college unmarried. Like we failed in some aspect, or we didn't "have enough faith" or didn't try hard enough, or that we just didn't want to get married in the first place. I cannot tell you how untrue those kind of attitudes are. I cannot tell you how many times I've put myself out there, made myself look presentable on a daily basis and attended all of my meetings faithfully, and yet at the end of every semester there is no ring on my left hand.

And I've finally come to a place in my life where I'm actually okay with that. It took several breakups, hours upon hours of blessings, and weeks of introspection to finally get to the point that I'm at right now. I was never happy being single. I always tied my dreams, hopes and happiness to a man that I was dating. And when the break up occurred, it nearly broke me up. But now I'm actually okay. I don't particularly enjoy being alone on Friday nights, or watching other couples walk happily around on the temple grounds, but it doesn't destroy me like it used to.

Now I may be eating my words by the end of next week, or if I happen to start dating someone and it ends like it usually does, I may be back to where I was before. But as of right now, I see a light at the end of this "single" tunnel. I know now, and I feel more sure than ever that things will work out the way they should. I want to be a wife more than anything. And eventually a mother. I can't express how much I want to give all the love and affection that I have to a person that I promise forever with. But I don't have that much control over it. And I'm not going to waste another sleepless night worrying about what's wrong with me and analyzing and picking myself apart over and over and over again to try to find out why it hasn't happened to me yet.

There's a great story by Shel Silverstein called The Missing Piece Meets the Big O. I encourage everyone to read it at some point or at least have it for when you have kids or nieces or nephews of your own. It's a great story about how you need to be able to stand on your own, and follow your own dreams instead of trying to fit yourself into someone else's.

So go on go on and break my heart
I'll be okay there's nothing you can do to me
That's ever gonna bury me

So go on go on and leave my love
Out on the street I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless fearless

If it's between love and losing
And to never have known the feeling I'd still side with love
And if I end up lonely at least I will be there knowing I believe in love

Go on go on and break my heart
I'll be okay I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless fearless

And right now, I am fearless.