I made a decision today that I hopefully won't regret in the future.
I've realized that I can't do this anymore by myself. I had a blow up the other night, after a lot of little things started adding up with other big things. What it all boils down to is this:
For many reasons. All of which lead back to the fact that I'm lonely. That the guys that I depend on so fully in my life won't always be there, whether it's by their choice or not. And it's my personal belief that maybe I still have unresolved issues concerning my dad and the fact that I have attachment issues that I thought was taken care of back in high school. Well, turns out, it's definitely not.
So, I'm on the waiting list at the counseling center, and tomorrow I'm going to set up an appointment with a doctor.
Because I just can't do this anymore. Every time I get stressed out, every time I deal with the whiplash of a broken heart, I always bottle it up & keep it in until it explodes. Which is precisely what happened. I behave irrationally. I lash out at people I care about. And then I'm constantly overwhelmed with this feeling of utter guilt that seems to drown me.
This is one roller coaster that I refuse to ride anymore.