Monday, September 20, 2010

Just waiting for my golden ticket

There's something so profoundly special about children's movies that just makes me look at life a little clearer, a little better.

I was feeling particularly small & insignificant the other night and decided to put in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (not the one with Johnny Depp. The original with Gene Wilder.) I couldn't help but start thinking about Charlie & the golden tickets. I started kinda comparing myself to him-- he wants it so badly, a ticket into a world that he only dreams of entering, while he watches as other people get those opportunities, and some of them may or may not deserve it.

But he wishes, he pines, he hopes against hope and keeps his faith through out the entire ordeal, as one by one other people find the golden tickets. Until finally, one day, when it seems like all hope is gone, that he missed his chance, he finds one. He never really lost faith, but he came so close to it until he got it at the last minute.

A cheesy analogy I know. I mean, it is a kid's movie, and on top of that a 70s kid's movie. But I couldn't help but draw parallels between my life and Charlie's life. I feel lately as if everyone is winning these golden tickets and I'm still searching for mine. I feel just like Charlie when he tells Grandpa Joe that he wants it more than anybody else does. But after one, two, three and four let downs, he finally gets it. He finally gets that golden ticket.

I know one day I'll get my golden ticket. But it may take three or four let downs to finally get it. And even though Charlie believes for a moment that there aren't anymore, he still buys a Wonka bar. In spite of the fact that everyone is saying there's no more left in the world. He still has that small bit of faith to spend his last few cents of the week to see if there's just a little bit of gold surrounding that chocolate.

Yeah yeah. It's corny I know. But I've found so much comfort in that movie, because in the end, after so many disappointments, after so many struggles, he finally gets what he wants, what he deserves.

I can only hope that I can be like Charlie and even when it seems like all is lost, I'll find that golden ticket.

Chew me out for being totally corny if you'd like haha. After comparing my life to Charlie Bucket I kinda deserve it, but I hope my point gets across.

Cheer up Charlie
Give me a smile
What happened to that smile I used to know?
Don't you know your grin has always been my sunshine
Let that sunshine show
Come on Charlie
No need to frown
Deep down you know the world is still your toy
When the world gets heavy
Never pit-a-pat 'em
Up and at 'em boy
Someday, sweet as a song
Charlie's lucky day will come along
Till that day you've gotta stay in strong Charlie
Up on top is right where you belong
Look up Charlie
You'll see a star
Just follow it and keep your dream in view
Pretty soon the sky is gonna clear up Charlie
Cheer up Charlie do
Cheer up Charlie
Just be glad you're you


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Keeping your eyes on the prize...

So I'm sure it would be redundant of me to state that this week has put the suck in sucky, however as strange as it sounds, I'm grateful for every day of it.

I never thought that I'd live to hear me say that I am actually grateful for trials and adversity, but I think the reason why I do is because of two reasons.

1.) It makes me feel so human. The human, mortal existence is really incredible. I just finished reading The Giver by Lois Lowry for the third time for my YA lit class, & suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude. Even for pain, misery & despair that creeps into our lives at times. Or in my case, smacks me upside the head with a two by four. I just keep thinking of that Garth Brooks song, The Dance.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

This song is more fitting than any song I know. I'm glad I didn't know what would happen. I could have missed all this pain, all this heartache, all this anguish. But I wouldn't trade a single moment, a single happy memory that I've had the past 3 months for this despair & adversity that I'm going through right now. Including that beautiful dance. I can honestly say I haven't been that happy ever before in my life. And I thank my lucky stars every night that I was able to have all of those spectacular moments where I felt complete. Where I felt right. Where I felt at peace with everything.

And 2.) I've learned to rely on more people than just myself. I suffer from the delusion that I have to face all of my trials and problems on my own & I've found through out this experience that there are so many people that are more than willing to lend a hand, an arm, a leg or any other extremity in order to help me in any small way. My testimony of Priesthood blessings has been strengthened substantially. Even though I didn't exactly feel better about life afterwards, I do feel the love of not only all my friends, family & loved ones, but my Father in Heaven & my Savior.

I do know that everything will work out. As far as when that'll happen and if it'll be what I want, I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm not willing to lose what I have now because of something that I want desperately that may or may not be the right thing. I'll take whatever I can get at this point. And I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world or in the world to come.


Thank you for still being in my life.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Something to relate to my life

So I always loved this. And I'm kinda goin through all of them at the same time, but every time I watch this I feel a little bit better. Enjoy classic Adult Swim: 5 Stages of Loss. :)


Thursday, September 9, 2010

The difference between what I want...

& what God wants.

That's what I've been struggling with for the past 2 days. I would be lying if I didn't say my testimony hasn't been rocked substantially. I know it sounds stupid & childish and very very trite, but this past week has been the worst week of my life in the past 8 years. I haven't felt this bad since the day my dad died.

Not that I blame anybody at all. I couldn't. It was no one's fault. No one at all.

I understand it. I really do. I can honestly say that I completely get it. It was the right thing to do.

I guess what I don't comprehend is how something that made me so happy. So whole. So complete. So good, could be wrong?

Don't get me wrong, my head is definitely on top of things. My mind keeps telling me all of these practical, rational things but my heart just isn't listening. Probably the worst part is the whole, "knowing it's wrong thing" but wanting it just as badly. In fact, I think I want it even more because it's no longer mine.

I said something so horrible the other night when it happened too. But a part of me believes it. Sometimes I feel like just when I start to rely on men, I start to depend on them completely, lean on them fully, and trust them implicitly, they're taken away from me. Whether it's their choice or not, they always leave. They're there one day, and gone the next. That's what I've felt like for the past 2 days. That God has taken away one of my only sources of happiness in this world.

I've become more reckless lately. Not too bad, not saying I go cliff jumping or that I'm acting like insanely stupid Kristen Stewart in Twilight. (the only thing I've done is just not wear a seat belt haha) But I just don't care anymore. I honestly don't. I don't even care enough to eat (which is strange, because that's usually when I find my solace is in food. I seriously could never be anorexic). I don't even care enough to get out of bed.

It sounds pathetic. I hate sounding pathetic. I hate being vulnerable. I hate not having power of my emotions, over my feelings. (that sounds so gay to say right now) I hate being completely and totally out of control. I've always tried to be the strong one.

But I definitely don't feel very strong right now. I feel about 2 centimeters tall. I feel like I'm worth about 2 cents as well.

Like I said, I know it's no one's fault. I'm probably the most understanding person I know. And I would rather sacrifice my own happiness for the rest of forever as long as I was making another person I cared about happy. That would be a satisfying life for me. I'd be anything. Do anything. Say anything. But I suppose it's not meant to be.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do

I miss you...


Sunday, September 5, 2010

Sunday ponderings

Do you ever feel like your life is kind of stuck in first gear? That you just can't quite shift it to the speed you wanna be going in?

For some reason I've had that feeling all day today & I'm not entirely sure why. I'm not unhappy, per say. Just kind of thinking about all the things that I want in my life, & not exactly sure when those things are gonna come to pass. I feel like everyone else that I know is getting Ferrari's, Porsche's, Lambo's etc. and I'm still stuck in a Honda. Everyone else is upgrading to something better, something nicer, & I'm still driving my P.O.S because I can't quite get there.

Obviously, this is a metaphorical sense, none of my friends are ACTUALLY getting Ferrari's (if they did, this blog post would be all about how I was gonna be sitting in one right now!) but I hope my point is coming across.

Is this even making sense? I'm not sure. All I know is that there is something missing in my life, and I honestly don't fully know what it is. Maybe it has something to do with being single, but I don't really think it is. It's something more than that.

I keep thinking of that Sugarland song, Something More.

There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Five years and there's no doubt
That I'm burnt out, I've had enough
So now boss man, here's my two weeks
I'll make it short and sweet, so listen up
I could work my life away, but why?
I got things to do before die

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best belive that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more

I really am burnt out already. Even though this 7 week break has been a good one, making money, Cailey & Stuart's wedding & seeing my boy in Boise, I really feel like I haven't had more than a day or two to rest and relax. This next semester is gonna be the toughest yet, because of the number of credits I'm taking, my new (wonderful) job, and the social responsibilities I have. I guess I just wish I could have a bit more of a break. I'm only really going to have two days before school starts to regroup and catch up with old friends, and that's even gonna be a long shot.

I suppose I'm just having mixed feelings about my life. I'm both happy and sad, at peace and fearful, confident and unsure. I'm not sure how I managed those bundle of emotions, but I'm a woman so there ya have it.

I think what I need now is a bit more perspective. So come this next semester, I'm gonna make it a point to go to the temple at least once a week, have at least an hour of no homework or friends or boyfriends and just sit on a bench in front of an Idaho wheat field and think. Write down my feelings as their coming to me and pay closer attention to what the Spirit is telling me about the things in my life I have to change. Because I know there's SO much I need to fix. I need to be better about maybe not listening to certain 3Oh3! songs (though I love all of them dearly) maybe cut out a few of my beloved rated R movies (as hard as that's gonna be because some of my favorites are actually rated R), and maybe watch my language and my dirty jokes (at least in front of the boy. because let's face it, my family is a huge fan of the raucous laughter that I love so much).

My Sunday school teacher today mentioned that you marry the person that you are. And I feel like, although I don't want to be with a person who is perfect (I enjoy imperfection a little too much) I do know that there are certain aspects of myself that are not quite up to par with being a good wife & mother. I've got a lot of them down pat, but some of those things need some tweaking.

I've never been one to make goals (let's be honest, I'm as lazy as they come & I tend to scoff at New Year's resolutions) but for some reason, I feel like someone is telling me that my life is about to change, and that in order to prepare for whatever it is that's coming, I myself need to change & adapt.

Anyways, just something I'm thinking about recently. Like I said, I'm not sad. Just really pensive (damn I was going for thoughtful! haha I love that movie.)

Peace out!


Thursday, September 2, 2010

Wow... just wow....

That is all I can say at this moment. I should probably back track a little.

So yesterday there were 2 job postings for English TA jobs & I applied for both of them. Almost instantaneously I get responses for both teachers & on the same day 2 interviews with both of them! I went to the first one & got it right off the bat with this way cool young professor who seems VERY laid back and super chill.

Unfortunately I had to also go to the second one & tell him I was no longer interested which kinda sucks for me because I HATE saying no to people & I ESPECIALLY HATE it when it deals with a job! But he was very nice, very amiable and congratulated me. I'm just so happy right now I could just spit! (I just love To Wong Foo! haha) & almost just as much, I know the second TA job is gonna go to another kid who really needs it, so I'm even grateful for that! That I was able to freely give that job to someone else who's struggling just like me.

So yeah, needless to say I am SO stoked! Not only does he seem like an amazing teacher, easy to talk to & easily relatable, the job description looks like a piece of cake! I have never whitnessed so many blessings within a single month--or within a single week!

Yeah... all in all, despite my bitching & complaining, it's been a good 7 week break :) & I am never EVER gonna take jobs or other opportunities for granted ever again.


Excuse me while I whip this out...

Haha pardon my Blazing Saddles reference, I've been watching that classic Mel Brooks film religiously this past break because it's the ONLY movie that makes me laugh hysterically every time.

So I decided, after listening to a radio station that my boss puts on at work to make a list of my top 5 LEAST favorite songs...

5.) Soak Up The Sun by Cheryl Crow. I'm terribly sorry if this deeply offends anyone who likes this song. I have nothing against Cheryl Crow, merely this repeating 5 notes & her waa waa waaing "Maybe blah blah blah Maybe blah blah blah Maybe blah blah blah I'm a dirty tramp." I cannot STAND songs that are static & have no real depth/ have the same damn keys OVER & OVER & OVER AGAIN. That is why I cannot stand that song. Sorry Cheryl.

4.) OMG by Usher. Okay Usher. We get it. Every time you see this broad you wanna say "Oh." Alright we got it the FIRST TEN THOUSAND TIMES you said the exlamation "Oh." Yeah right. You like her a lot. We GOT it. Thanks. Say "Oh" ONE MORE TIME!

3.) Dont Wanna Miss a Thing by Aerosmith. No I'm not sure WHY I hate this song. Maybe because it reminds me of my horrible prom. But nonetheless this is not one of my favorite Aerosmith songs. They've done infinitely better things in their hey-day.

2.) Eenie Meenie by Justin Beiber. Do I even have to begin my dislike of this song? Wth kinda talent does it require to right a song based off a repeating line in a child's nursery rhyme? Way to go music industry. Way to go.

1.) Whattya Want from Me by Adam Lambert. Nothing. I don't want ANYTHING from your weird Lady-Gaga-wannabe-making-out-with-a-piano-keyboard self. I also don't want your stupid song stuck in my head after one line.

Any other songs that just get under your skin & make you wanna gouge your eyes out? Haha or maybe just annoy you or don't make sense? Let me hear your top 5 or top 10!


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Money money money money...

I always knew that the world revolved around money. I just never thought that I would come to a point where that's all I think about. Is my paycheck going to be enough to cover rent? Is my FAFSA going to get in on time? Is it going to be enough?

Heavenly Father blessed me more than I could possibly explain. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get a job after the semester in order to replenish some of the expenses that I've had to pay, namely my car, my trip to GA & NC, food, phone bills etc. And on the last day of the semester when I thought all hope was gone, I get an email from my recent boss, Tracey requesting me to start on the Tuesday following the end of the semester. Not a moment too soon, I tell you. Instantly I hit my knees & thanked him profusely.

This time I'm praying for His help again even more than ever. I now know what it's like to constantly be wondering if the next paycheck will pay rent as well as get me some decent meals. I'll never take a job for granted ever again.

It really has been a learning as well as a growing experience. I'm more wary of what I spend, more frugal in the things I buy & more watchful of my bank accounts. This was a lesson that needed to happen especially as a single adult. I'm grateful for it, but I wish I didn't have to learn it. I'm fine, financially, or at least I will be soon. Just reminiscing that's all.