Monday, October 25, 2010

Embarrassing Moments brought to you by Megatron!

Haha so this weekend was a pretty good one. I went down to visit my sick awesome cousin & his beautiful little family & even got a date or two out of it as well!

Now I should probably put a disclaimer up somewhere, or do something like pass out flyers to make it known to all males that if they ever do end up taking me on a date I without fail do something to embarrass myself. Which isn't a bad thing usually (I pride myself in being the comic relief most days) but I figure it would be a nice thing to let gentlemen know ahead of time so they can be aware in case I do end up saying/doing something dumb.

Now, for a little backstory. My first college boyfriend that I had took me out on our first official date. He didn't have a car, but it was fine because I did. We were gonna go to Applebee's but I had to put gas in my car so I did, only I don't know why I did this, but I put the gas nozzle handle thingy down (you know when you don't want to stand there & hold the handle & wait for your gas so you put that silver thing down & it automatically stays there when your gas is pumping? Yeah. That do-hickey)
Well I wasn't meaning to fill it up all the way so I moved it back, ended up slamming my fingers and at the same time spilling gasoline all over my nice clothes. I ended up smelling like it for the rest of the night. But he was such a dear & laughed about it but didn't make it seem like he noticed it.

Another first date with a guy that I went on happened to take place at Applebee's (oh the irony!) things were going fine, he was a very attractive man, and I find that whenever I'm on a date with a very good-looking guy I get nervous & fidgety & end up putting my foot in my mouth on multiple occasions. So this time, we were talking & laughing and he mentioned how much of a good time he was having. And I proceeded to say "Yeah me too! Which is a good thing because that way we both get some." I immediately slapped my hand over my mouth and turned the brightest red I've ever been & ended up looking down at my soup for about 10 minutes trying to regain my composure. I had meant to say that 'it was a good thing that we're both having a good time' but instead that came out of my mouth. He was also very good about that incident, and just laughed about it & changed the subject.

So that's a little preview to the things that I've done on first dates that are a little comical.

This time, when I was on another first date, we went to miniature golf. And I guess it had been a while since I had gone put-puting because I apparently didn't remember that some holes that you place the ball in lead to other areas where the ball comes out in a different place. Well, I put-ed my ball into the hole & he did likewise. Well, I put my hand in the hole for about 5 minutes trying to find my freakin ball when all of a sudden I hear "Megan.... it's over here." I look over & there are our balls that have been spit out someplace else about 10 feet away from where I was. HAHA! I just scratched my head and mumbled "I knew that..." It was pretty funny & I'm actually glad it happened. Not exactly the most embarrassing thing I've ever done, but still it was a definite blonde moment for a brunette.


Sunday, October 17, 2010

Lessons still being learned

For some reason, this Sunday was especially hard on me for several reasons. The combination of the hymns sung at church (music is making me very sensitive lately) on top of thinking about my dad & missing so much I couldn't breathe, on top of my worries & stresses that seem to constantly plague my life; I completely lost it today in Sacrament meeting.

I actually had a pretty decent weekend this weekend too. I spent my Friday night going on a scavenger hunt for my friend's half birthday. Then I spent my Saturday painting the scenery for the school production of Arsenic & Old Lace (my favorite play), then Saturday evening talking with a good friend from my screen-writing class about our screenplays, and finished the night with my amazing FHE brothers & roomies at the dunes by a bonfire under a beautiful night sky talking & laughing it up about Zombie apocalypses and other random topics.

But for some reason, today I feel incredibly lonely. I feel a little less pitiful after getting a blessing from a few of my good guy friends which helped, I'm sure. But I'm still suffering, I'm still so lost, I'm still struggling.

I am stronger than this. I know I am. I don't remember it being this hard before. I don't remember any of my trials or adversity being so difficult that I kept getting knocked down. But recently it feels like the rug keeps on getting pulled out from under me over and over and over again.

Elie Wiesel said something pretty significant once that I've been rereading a lot. He said, "I have not lost faith in God. I have moments of anger and protest. Sometimes I've been closer to Him for that reason." Wow. Exactly what I've been feeling like lately. I don't think I could ever be angry with God. I'd be too scared to do that. But I do have those moment of protest. Especially lately. And I have actually felt closer to Him & The Savior quite a lot. With every blessing, every tearful prayer, every hug from a guy friend, I feel like I get closer and closer. So I am grateful for that, in spite of all of these issues that keep coming up so many times.

I can say, that I have never been as close to Him as I have been recently. I just wish I had a constant guy friend that I could always count on. I've really been missing a good guy hug. The really big, safe-feeling, masculine guy hugs. The kind I could cry in. The kind I can feel so secure and protected, if only for a moment, from all the things that are going wrong in my life.

But oh well. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Just another thing I'll have to live without for now.


Friday, October 15, 2010

Can someone please pass the happy pills?

I just want to be happy again. I want to actually wake up in the morning & not wish to get hit by a bus so I don't have to deal with my financial issues, my loneliness, school, and the men in my life.

It'll take time, & I realize that. But I'm done with this. I'm so over being miserable. I done with feeling hopeless. I just don't know how to move past all this, that's all.

It's just a bad night. That's all it is. I was fine last night being with my girlfriends and watching Sherlock Holmes. But tonight it's like the complete opposite. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again and I'm sick of it. I'm truly sick of it.


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I love my Bishopric...

I just got out of a meeting with my Bishop of my college ward. Just to check up on me & see if I'm doin okay. We talked about how I was doing, boys & how they're confusing, finances, school and just life in general. I don't think I've had this great of a Bishopric in my entire college career.

:) I really do love it out here.


Friday, October 8, 2010

This, in a nutshell, is what I'm feelin like tonight

Time stands still,
Pictures fade to black
Feelin' the chill,
That went tearing up my back.
Running scared.
The pavement moves so quickly.
I know that you must agree,
The dream of possibility of you and me
Is slipping through my fingers.
So I sing this song for you,
My heart's like a clown in a circus,
Forever I'll be, trapped in this crazy condition of desperation.
You're oh such a sweet sensation.

Yes this is from a Mormon movie, but the song is actually pretty legit. And it sums up what I've been feeling tonight. I'm sick--nothing too serious, just a cough & constant sneezing as well as a stuffed up nose due to crying-- but it's enough to wear me down to a point where I feel completely helpless & hopeless.

It's a Friday night. Curfew isn't until 1. I should be out doing stuff right? Going on dates with cute boys & just forgetting about life for a little while right? Well I'm not. I'm stuck at home. Alone. With nothing but movies, music & Ghiradelli brownies to keep me company. Most of my guy friends are either with family, out of town or doin stuff with their hoes. Most if not all of my girlfriends are on dates. And I'm happy for them. I really am. This is the first weekend that I've had no one to do stuff with, and considering, it's not that big of a deal, nor is it putting a damper on my semester in the least. It's just one Friday night. So why am I having a breakdown? Why is it so hard for me to be by myself for a single evening? Why have I relied so heavily on other people distracting me & being with me? I hate being alone. Sometimes, for an hour or two, it's nice. And I don't mind it. But if it's more than that, it's bad. It's more time for me to think too much, to over-analyze, to think about my life negatively.

My life isn't bad. Not at all to say the least. But I'm not completely happy yet. I thought I was, but tonight has proved that I'm still off. I'm not myself yet. I'm getting there, I think. I'm better than I was 5 weeks ago. But I'm not quite there yet.

I want to feel whole again. I don't like feeling broken. I don't like feeling like something's missing. I don't like feeling like I've given pieces of myself away that I haven't gotten back yet. I don't like feeling abandoned. I hate feeling like I get too attached too quickly.

Now I just feel like I'm rambling. Maybe a blessing will help again. It helped last time. I think I may go to my FHE bros tomorrow or Sunday and ask for a blessing. I can't afford to be feeling like this for much longer or it's gonna kill me. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of "relapsing." Some days I'm fine. But other days something is triggered and I crumble. It's probably especially acute because I really have no one to confide in at the moment. At least, no one I want to confide in.

I'm sure things'll be better after tomorrow. Though right now it doesn't feel like it.


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The quest for the holy grail!

"Camelot!" "Camelot!" "Camelot!" "It's only a model..." "SH!"
"Good idea oh Lord!" "Course it's a good idea!"

Haha, so I'm sure you're all wondering... what is my holy grail that I have journeyed on a quest for? Well, let me show you!

TA DA!!!!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen... it took me 21 years to find my holy grail. The Beauty and the Beast Special Edition fresh out of the Disney vault this day, October 5, 2010.

So, you're probably not surprised to find out that this is by far, my favorite Disney movie & more than likely my favorite movie of ALL TIME. Seriously, is there anything wrong with this movie at all?! Ya got a beautiful but SMART & WITTY & IMPERFECT princess who wants more than just to marry a prince charming. Ya got amazing music with lyrics to match, ya got incredible comedy "And, as I always say. If it's not Baroque don't fix it! Haha!" ya got Angela Lansbury, ya got a moral lesson "don't judge a book by its cover" and ya got an Academy Award winner!

*Sigh* And yes. If you must know I still have a fatty crush on the Beast when he turns into a human. So sue me. I guarantee you that ya'll have crushes on prince Eric or Aladdin or for you guys out there, Ariel or Jasmine (the skanks)! haha!

So yes. Just in case you all were wondering if I have found the Grail on my crusade, ("What did you find dad?" "...Illumination" haha love Indiana Jones!) I definitely have! You may go in peace :)


Friday, October 1, 2010

This is not the end, this is not the beginning

So, recently I was introduced to the new Linkin Park song from their A Thousand Suns album that came out called "Waiting for the End."

Of course, I always liked Linkin Park. Ever since high school I've liked them as well as some darker bands like Breaking Benjamin, Disturbed, Muse, etc. But this new album, especially this new song, is so different from everything else they've produced & I've found that this song applies to my life perfectly to a T. My favorite part of the lyrics is when he says, "All caught up in the eye of the storm. And trying to figure out what it's like moving on. And I don't even know what kind of things I've said. My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead. So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin? The hardest part of ending is starting again."

How true is that? The hardest part of ending is starting again. That's the worst and best part. I hate feeling left behind, I hate feeling like I've lost a part of myself. But I love the rush of something new, and I love the chance to adapt or change and feel renewed.

I've been listening to this song on repeat for the past few days because every time I feel like I'm going down into a slump, I blast that in my car as I go on a drive and I instantly feel better about my life.

I didn't include the entire song here, but just the segments that I love the most.

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
Thats invisible there,
Cuz we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all dissapear.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got...