For some reason, this Sunday was especially hard on me for several reasons. The combination of the hymns sung at church (music is making me very sensitive lately) on top of thinking about my dad & missing so much I couldn't breathe, on top of my worries & stresses that seem to constantly plague my life; I completely lost it today in Sacrament meeting.
I actually had a pretty decent weekend this weekend too. I spent my Friday night going on a scavenger hunt for my friend's half birthday. Then I spent my Saturday painting the scenery for the school production of Arsenic & Old Lace (my favorite play), then Saturday evening talking with a good friend from my screen-writing class about our screenplays, and finished the night with my amazing FHE brothers & roomies at the dunes by a bonfire under a beautiful night sky talking & laughing it up about Zombie apocalypses and other random topics.
But for some reason, today I feel incredibly lonely. I feel a little less pitiful after getting a blessing from a few of my good guy friends which helped, I'm sure. But I'm still suffering, I'm still so lost, I'm still struggling.
I am stronger than this. I know I am. I don't remember it being this hard before. I don't remember any of my trials or adversity being so difficult that I kept getting knocked down. But recently it feels like the rug keeps on getting pulled out from under me over and over and over again.
Elie Wiesel said something pretty significant once that I've been rereading a lot. He said, "I have not lost faith in God. I have moments of anger and protest. Sometimes I've been closer to Him for that reason." Wow. Exactly what I've been feeling like lately. I don't think I could ever be angry with God. I'd be too scared to do that. But I do have those moment of protest. Especially lately. And I have actually felt closer to Him & The Savior quite a lot. With every blessing, every tearful prayer, every hug from a guy friend, I feel like I get closer and closer. So I am grateful for that, in spite of all of these issues that keep coming up so many times.
I can say, that I have never been as close to Him as I have been recently. I just wish I had a constant guy friend that I could always count on. I've really been missing a good guy hug. The really big, safe-feeling, masculine guy hugs. The kind I could cry in. The kind I can feel so secure and protected, if only for a moment, from all the things that are going wrong in my life.
But oh well. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Just another thing I'll have to live without for now.