Monday, February 28, 2011

Against All Odds

Phil Collins never said it better:

How can I just let you walk away,
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain,
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me
Is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,
Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now,
Cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you,
Well that's all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now,
Cause I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take, oh, oho

Just take a look at me now

The sun will rise again. Right now, it blows. Blows chunks. But I know it'll get better. I just need some down time.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Cloths of Heaven by W. B. Yeats

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

This poem epitomizes exactly what I'm feeling at this particular moment in my life. I have very little to give, but I'm more than willing to give everything I have for a person that I care deeply about.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Belated Valentine's Day post

So, I forgot to kind of gush about what my Computer Man did for me for the dreaded V-day that I usually despise.

Needless to say, he did a VERY good job :) I've never actually had a decent Valentine's day, but this past one was, in a word, epic.

It started off okay, mostly I was stressing about what on earth am I gonna do for him. I mean, what do you do for a guy on the Day of Love? It just seems like a big, fat piece of irony to me. I finally figured it out, and ended up making him a million little notes and putting them all over his car & to put the icing on the cake, I put hershey's kisses all on the roof of his car. He seemed to really enjoy that :)

Then, I went home and found my bed made (for those that don't know me, I never make my bed or anything like unto it), a single carnation, sour patch kids & sweet & sour gummy lifesavers (that are my FAVORITE candy ever!!!) and then a printed out sheet of paper that had the formula: r= 1.1-sin (theta) and a blurb underneath it that said,

"If you graph the formula in polar coordinate it creates a heart as you see below (and below it, of course, was a big heart on a graph!). I just couldn't think of a better way for your nerdy man to show his feelings than through math! Happy Valentine's Day!"

How adorable is that?! We both kind of did what our majors entailed in order to show each other how gushy we can be especially on V-day!

It's going well :)


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Current Update

For fear of getting a head of myself, or jumping the gun a bit, I'm just going to give a brief overview of what's been going on the past 3 weeks or so.

Yes, I have a guy that I'm dating.
Yes, I'm very happy.
Yes, I'm very nervous for what the future brings, especially with my track record for men.
No, there is no talk of the "m" word or the "l" word as of yet.
No, I'm not rushing into anything. In fact, both me & the handsome mathematician man are taking things very slow.

I'm going to do things a little differently this time. He makes me happy and we're just going to enjoy each other's company for right now. We'll see where things go =)


Thursday, February 17, 2011

It feels like something off of Bambi....

Haha so basically, the past 3 weeks or so feels like a certain song from Disney's classic animal loving movie, Bambi.
I am thoroughly twitterpated. :)
and I am not ashamed!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Playlist for this semester

& not in any particular order:

1. Fearless by Colbie Caillat
2. It is What it Is by Lifehouse
3. Waiting for the End by Linkin Park
4. Little Miss by Sugarland
5. Colder Weather by Zac Brown Band
6. Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros
7. Say (All I Need) by OneRepublic
8. Go the Distance by Roger Bart
9. True Colors by Phil Collins
10. The Man Who Can't be Moved by The Script
11. Grenade by Bruno Mars
12. Make You Feel My Love by Adele
13. The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars
14. I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath
15. Had Enough by Breaking Benjamin
16. Wasted by Carrie Underwood
17. Cheer, up Charlie by Diana Sowle
18. Not Afraid by Eminem
19. The Last Song I'm Wasting on You by Evanescence

All these songs somehow relate to my life in some way this semester. & every time I listen to them, I feel better about my situation. I begin to have hope. I start to heal. I get a little closer to becoming whole again.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Lessons continually being learned

This past week & weekend has been one of the hardest I've had in a while. And it mostly all relates back to a simple concept that I never thought I'd ever have an issue with. Forgiveness.

I've always thought nothing could possibly prevent me from instantly forgiving anyone for hurting me in any way, shape or form.

But I've come to a conclusion, the people who I did forgive I barely knew. Or they didn't mean as much to me, or it just wasn't that big of a deal. I've discovered I've had a harder time forgiving someone who I care deeply about. A person who I felt ripped my heart to pieces. It's easier to forgive a complete stranger. It's harder to forgive someone you love who hurt you in the worst way possible.

I do believe I'm on the mend. Maybe the reason why I'm having such a hard time with this is because this is the first situation where I've dealt with this. I've never quite had the same experience like the one I've had recently.

But I am making progress. At least, I hope I am. I don't like this feeling of disappointment, shame and resentment. I feel guilty about it every time.

I know that I just need time. Let's face it, I ended up hurting myself because I didn't have time to heal and take care of me when all was said and done. It was foolish of me to think that this wouldn't happen. And I hope that this experience will strengthen my love for Heavenly Father's children and my Savior. So for the record, I'm trying really hard to be a better person and forgive more easily from here on out.


Monday, February 7, 2011

What I want,

I'd like to be a priority not a commodity. I'd like to be Plan A not Plan B. I'd like to actually be thought of without having to ask. I'd like to do nice things for someone, spend quality time & do acts of service with reciprocation.

I'd like to be loved forever, and not for a month or two.

I'd like to be worth it to someone.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

I'm Not Who I Was

I wish you could see me now,
I wish I could show you how,
I'm not who I was.

I used to be mad at you.
A little on the hurt side too,
But I'm not who I was.

I found my way around,
to forgivin' you, some time ago,
But I never got to tell you...


I found us in a photograph,
I saw me and I had to laugh,
Ya' know, I'm not who I was.

You were there you were right above me,
and I wonder if you ever loved me.
Just for who I was.

When the pain came back again;
like a bitter friend.
It was all that I could do,
To keep myself from blaming you.


Thinkin' it's a funny thing,
I figured out I can sing,
Now I'm not who I was

I write about love and such,
maybe 'cause, I want it so much,
I'm not who I was

I was thinkin' maybe I,
should let you know,
that I am not the same,
But I never did forget your name.


But the thing that I find most amazing,
in amazing grace,
Is the chance to give it out,
Maybe that's what love is all about.

I wish you could see me now,
I wish I could show you how,
I'm not who I was.