Friday, December 14, 2012

In light of recent events

I've decided I need to blog about the various shootings that have occurred throughout the nation. And even though maybe three people in total read this blog, and even though this won't gather that much attention, regardless, I have to say something and voice what I've been thinking over the past few hours.

First off, and probably the most important thing to say is that I am absolutely shocked and horrified and sickened by what has happened in Connecticut at Sandy Hook Elementary. This was a senseless and hideous act of evil, the likes of which I had never heard of before. I had always known that this world we live in, that this country, was getting worse in the desensitization of people, in the allowance of violence and pornographic materials in movies and music and media, and in the apathy of other people's sufferings, but I did not think we were to this point yet.

To those family members, those mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and friends of those innocent, lovely children and of those faculty members who have been ripped from their loved ones in such a gruesome manner, I cannot tell each and every one of you how incredibly distraught and grieved that this has happened. To be separated from your loved ones in such a violent manner is something to which I know nothing about. I can only imagine the anger and pain that you are going through.

To the surviving children whose innocence has been stripped away from them, perhaps forever, I only pray that comfort, healing and happiness will eventually find its way to them.

This event has affected me much more than I thought it would. It's only been recently that I haven't been on the brink of tears at the thought of it.

Secondly, what I feel the need to say is that I find it ironic that this happened the morning after I talked about teaching children about acts of evil, and educating them somewhat concerning the horrors of the world. Even though I am not a parent, I have been an aunt since I was about 10 or 11 years old. My nieces and nephews are as much my own children as my own flesh and blood would be. I think about them all the time, pray about them, and would willingly & gladly lay my own life down for them without a moment's hesitation. Having said this, I'm sure it is difficult to talk to children about horrible things like sexual abuse, death and injustice. But I feel that we would be living in a very dangerous place if we do not talk at least somewhat concerning the bad things in the world, the things that could happen. J. K Rowling said it perfectly in an interview, regarding the Harry Potter series being too dark and scary for children:

"I have a real issue with anyone trying to protect children from their own imagination, and I think that a lot of this goes on. And if we cannot acknowledge and embrace the fact that we all have a certain degree of darkness within us, some more than other perhaps, and bring it into the light and examine it and talk about it, this part of the human condition, then I think that we will be living in a very dangerous climate. And I think that's much more damaging for children."

Now I'm not saying that I would bring my four year old to the Holocaust museum and tell them in graphic detail what happened in the concentration camps, however there comes a certain age for children that for their own emotional and even physical protection, they need to know that there are bad people out there who do bad things because they can.

Shielding children from the world is an impossible thing. And they are being exposed to evil at a younger and younger age. There was a time when they could play on the street and in the front yard without any thought that something bad would happen to them. But now, even in their own home, children are being kidnapped and abused.

Too many people are being desensitized to horrible things that have happened. The gruesome effects of war, of poverty, of dishonesty, of betrayal, of abuse and violence seem to be just another aspect of every day life. We need to be more sensitive to the things that are contrary to morality and ethics. Images and depictions of violence and pornography need to repulse us more than they do.

Lastly, concerning the inevitable debate concerning gun control. I am no redneck, and I am not a fully blown Republican "don't touch my guns" kind of person. My father, grandfather and great grandfather served in the Armed Forces, so I was exposed to guns and what they did at an early age. I still remember my father taking me and my sister to an abandoned forest in North Carolina and teaching me how to shoot off Dollar Store shot glasses off of a "No Shooting" sign.

I don't really have much of an opinion one way or another concerning gun controls, but I will say this: We cannot fight guns with less guns. If a terrorist is motivated to cause physical harm to another person for whatever the vendetta or reason, they will find a way, law or no law. Or they'll resort to other weapons that are easier to access. If it comes to it, a pencil can be used as a weapon. If you need an example of this, I'd probably give marijuana as one. Now with talk of it being legalized (I'm not sure if it has been legalized or not, I don't really care about it), I find it so ironic that it has been illegal for so long, yet it does stop any of my acquaintances or friends from acquiring it. If someone really wanted access to it, they could find it.

Now I'm not sure what the answer to this debacle is. Frankly, I couldn't really be able to tell you either way, but I do know that the places that need protection the most, are the ones that do not know how to use a firearm. I have started debating and thinking critically about getting a concealed weapons license and taking self-defense classes because it is coming to a point where not even the quietest, quaintest places in the United States are safe from evil. Maybe we should have at least one police officer in every elementary, middle, high school and college in the United States? Maybe every teacher should have a small glock in order to defend themselves against a shooter set on destroying them and their students? Maybe there should be a self-defense class that every student has to take in order to graduate? I don't know. But either way, something has got to change, and change soon.

This has been a pretty long rant, so sorry if I lost anyone along the way. But I hope my message has at least been clear. There is a reason why I don't allow myself to watch horror movies or scary movies with children in them. I find it highly disturbing whenever I see children's lives in danger, or a child afraid of something. They really are the future of our society. Our children will be leaders, and catalysts for change one day. We need to make sure that they're prepared for whatever the future has to hold for them.

To my nieces and nephews, I love you Hailey, Nathan, Connor, Cole, Hannah & Jacob. Don't be afraid of anything. You are stronger and more powerful than you could ever imagine.


Monday, December 10, 2012

The Signature Christmas Movie

There is a movie for every season of my life, which may or may not be disconcerting.

But for the Christmas season there is only one movie that changes me every year. The acting, the music, the message, the entirety of it is simply beautiful.

The 1970 version of Scrooge with Albert Finney and Alec Guinness is my favorite Christmas movie of all time. It's almost a sacred experience for me and my family, which may sound silly, but honestly it's everything you could ever possibly want in a Christmas movie. A story about hope, love, compassion for all mankind, redemption and forgiveness.

My favorite part of the movie is probably the scenes with the Ghost of Christmas Present. After he takes Scrooge back home he very poignantly says "There is never enough time to do or say all the things that we would wish. The thing is to try to do as much as you can in the time that you have. Remember Scrooge, Time is short & suddenly, you're not there anymore."

My second favorite part is almost to the end where he sings about how he's going to take the time he has left to live and change things in his life.

I'll begin again
I will build my life
I will live to know that I've fulfilled my life
I'll begin today
Throw away the past
And the future I build will be something that will last....

I will start anew
I will make amends
And I will make quite certain that the story ends
On a note of hope
On a strong Amen
And I'll thank the world
And remember when
I was able to begin again! 

May we all remember it's never too late to change the path that we're on. There is still time to live a life fulfilled and to have as little regret as possible when we leave this life to meet our Maker.


Saturday, December 8, 2012

I swore I'd never be one of those people....

Well it turns out I have.

Sad, really.

It all started last night after talking with my good friend, Stacey, at In-N-Out about how when we get a place together (whenever that may be) we desperately want a dog.

I voted either husky or german shepherd. Needless to say, if we find a german shepherd, that may be for the win.

Ever since our family had an incredible german shepherd, Maggie, I have always wanted one. I was far too young to remember her, but listening to my brother & sister & mom tell stories about her makes me feel like I knew her too.

She was obedient, loving and incredibly protective.

So this lead me to a google search for german shepherd puppies, and then it spiraled out of control for Youtube videos of german shepherd puppies playing.

I know I know! This is a travesty!

I used to always make fun of those people. & I've become one!

Oh well. I suppose there are worse things to be ashamed of. I mean, I still to this day can't sleep without the covers around my neck for fear of vampires. So that has to count for something right? :)

Well here it is. The apex of my embarrassment.

And this:

Gosh I need help.


Saturday, December 1, 2012

Sooner or Later

For the most part I'm happy with my life. I have two great jobs, one at UVU and one at Barnes & Noble. I love both of them equally. I have bosses that are fabulous, roommates that are considerate, a bishopric I really like, two working hands that type out a story every night on Microsoft Word, a set of eyes and ears that allow me to watch a variety of movies that are a necessity for my life, a brain that functions most of the time, and food on the table.

But every now and then, I go through bouts where I can't stand Utah.

Particularly, certain aspects of Utah, and my life which resides within the state limits.

On nights like this, I wanna get the hell out of here. And I'm not exaggerating.

1. I hate the fact that I'm stuck in a college town, with stupid & asinine rules about parking, curfew etc. I'm an adult. Have been for about 4 years. Don't tell me what to do.
2. I hate that I feel stuck in this God forsaken town for far too long. I can't stand the fact that I haven't been to Europe in over 2 years, and that I haven't traveled anywhere new AT ALL. I want a fresh change of scenery. Some people are content in planting roots in one place and residing there till they die. I am NOT one of those people. I need change. I don't like routine. Ergo, I wanna get OUT of here.
3. & this is probably the number on the list in which I feel most emphatically about. I am sick of the dumb-asses that classify themselves as "guys" here. And yes, I realize this is a rather strong sentiment, but I've experienced nearly 5 years of dating these retards. I think I'm entitled to call them dumb-asses. Because they are. They're commitment-phobic, unambitious, femme, indecisive, lazy, obnoxious, don't-know-what-they-want losers. I'm sick of getting texts at 10:00 at night for booty calls. I'm 23 f***ing years old. Does it sound like I want to be treated like a 900 number? I'm too old for that shit. So DON'T do it. It may have been acceptable when I was 19 but I'm not. I'm sick of getting messages that have the feeling like I'm going to be asked out and then never do. I'm sick of being treated like a "go-to" girl for a "good time" because all of the other chicks are currently unavailable or turned you down. I am not a back up plan. I am not Plan B. I'm Plan A or nothing at all. STOP being dumb-asses. I guarantee you if you don't pull your HEAD out of your ASS you will be single until the Armageddon is upon us. Which may be sooner than you think.

I guess real men lie in fiction. James Bond. Han Solo. Konstantin Dmitrievich Levin. Captain America. Flynn Ryder. Mr. Darcy. George Bailey. Because they sure as hell don't lie in Utah or Idaho or Georgia or the other places I've lived.

And you know what, if you have a problem with this, maybe that's a sign that you need to do a little bit of self-reflection. Don't try to find a scapegoat to blame or tell me I'm being unfair. If I were being unfair I would stoop to say that Edward Cullen is more of a man than you. That would really  be taking it rather far I'd think.

Sooner or later I'm sure I'll find a guy who isn't a complete waste of space. Who isn't vapor. But right now it's not looking so promising.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Story of My Life

Probably the worst moment for any individual is a break up. 

But I would venture to say that reliving a broken heart, and falling back in love with a person you know will never love you back is even more awful. 

I've been pretty proud of myself that the past few blog posts hasn't been about a breakup or how awful a guy has treated me, so to spare all of the gory, unnecessary details, I'll just say this:

I can't get over a guy who's in my same ward and who I work with at least once a week in sharing the same calling. I thought I was over him well over a year ago but the truth is I was only deluding myself. 

I'm crazy about him. & he'll never be crazy about me. 

& you know what, that's okay. It happens. It's only supposed to work out once right? That's why we date. But the truth is, I can't do this anymore. 

The hard part is, he's one of my closest friends, even one of my best guy friends. I have relied on him for multiple blessings & he's even been wonderful enough to assist me financially & to bail me out of the worst monetary crises I've had this year. 

Recently, though I've realized I'm in love with him. But he has no idea. He's completely oblivious, which is typical for the male species. & I don't expect him to read between the lines, to see the light that I'm sure comes into my eyes when he sits next to me, and hear the increased breathing & heart rate when his knee brushes mine. But it does; it always has. 

A year has obviously done nothing for my heart. It still wants him. And I don't know what to do about it. Either way, there's a distinct possibility that I'll lose him forever, but if I keep on pretending, I'm sure it'll only get worse with time. I mean, a year hasn't done anything at all right? Another 5 months could mean the coffin in the grave. 

I don't want to say anything to him for fear of losing him. What's worse? Trying to choke down my feelings and control my emotions? Or telling him that I can't be friends with him at least for a little while.... and maybe even longer. I doubt I'm ever gonna get over him until I actually do find that one I'm supposed to be with. 

Christina Perri summed it up perfectly in her song Distance. Here's the lyrics to it:

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" and you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

And please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" and you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting
To say what we have

So I make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" and you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" and you're not listening
How long til we call this love, love, love?

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Ideal Man

It may just be that my ideal man is an actor/director that I will never meet. Though I do occasionally see him as Dr. Spencer Reid on the CBS show Criminal Minds. 

One of my favorite quotes from him is located below in addition to a few of my favorite pictures of him. 

“Must love decorating for holidays, mischief, kissing in cars, and wind chimes. No specific height, weight, hair color, or political affiliation required, but would prefer a warm spirited, non-racist. Cynics, critics, pessimists, and ‘stick in the muds’ need not apply. Voluptuous figures a plus. Any similarity in look, mind set, or fashion sense to Mary Poppins, Claire Huxtable, Snow White, or Elvira wholeheartedly welcomed. I am dubious of actresses, felons, and lesbians, but don’t want to rule them out entirely. Must be tolerant of whistling, tickle torture, James Taylor, and sleeping late. I have a slight limp, eerily soft hands, and a preternatural love of Autumn. I once misinterpreted being called a ‘coal-eyed dandy’ as a compliment when it was intended as an insult. I wiggle my feet in my sleep, am scared of the dark, and think the Muppets Christmas Carol is one of the greatest films of all time. All I want is butterfly kisses in the morning, peanut butter sandwiches shaped like a heart, and to make you smile until it hurts.”

<3 I love you Matthew Gray Gubler. 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Define "Conniption"

So, unfortunately, one of my very good friends has already heard this but I'm gonna have to submit this rant into the expansive void that is the internet.

And whether or not I receive a reply or response is irrelevant. I just really wanna get this off my chest because I'm losing far too much sleep.

First off, the most pressing thing on my mind and soul is the fact that I am a college graduate with one constant part-time job. I spent four years and $25,000 earning a Bachelor's degree and making less now than I did as a student.

According to certain statistics I've found, a woman with a Bachelor's degree should be making about $47,030 a year. Now, for an English degree, I should be making between $35,800-$68,900 a year. These jobs can range from journalism, to technical writers. Now, do you wanna know what I make a year on one part-time job as a content developer?

Guess. Just guess.

I make $14,400 a year after taxes. 14,400. That's not even half what I should be making and I've been out of school for well over a year.

Needless to say, I am incredibly pissed off! Seriously?! This sum may be enough to live on, but I'm a DAMN COLLEGE GRADUATE. I should be able to afford to fix my car, pay off my student loan, get completely out of debt, put aside money for savings, and be able to have enough money to shop at Barnes & Noble on occasion or Charlotte Russe.

But no. NO. I'm stuck working ONE part-time job, that granted is good and I can't complain about it except for the fact that I'M NOT MAKING WHAT I'M WORTH.

And do you want to know why? There are several different theories...
1.) There's a little something called Degree Inflation. Yes it exists. Basically, what happened is that a Bachelor's degree today is the equivalent of a High school diploma 10 years ago. The Wall Street Journal even did an article on it! Found here:
People who earned not only one but two degrees end up getting laid off and eventually work for WalMart....Oh yay... and this is what I was so looking forward to in entering the career force after college... YOUUUU SCUNOFABITCH! I'm sorry but this is absolutely unacceptable! But it also begs the question, what the hell am I supposed to do now? I have been discouraged from getting a Master's degree because it won't guarantee anything and I'll go further into debt, but neither is a freaking Bachelor's degree!
2.) The job market SUCKS. I mean majorly sucks. The unemployment rate is now at 7.8%! More specifically, the jobs that I have applied for, (call center jobs, retail etc.) things that I'm completely over-qualified for I'm not getting! Wth?!
3.) Stuff that I am doing, like internships, etc. I should be getting paid for! I'm sorry but my talents are not free. I am not willing to sacrifice my well-being to people who obviously don't appreciate the time & effort that goes into fulfilling and accomplishing projects.

I am so sick of this. On top of all of this stress in worry, which as you can see has taken up more than an entire page, there's the election going on, my friend's asking me to help them with their projects, my own personal novel I'm trying to write, and the fact that I for once would like to be able to have more than just 3 bowls and 8 pieces of silverware in my cupboards.

I'm seriously about ready to pull my own hair out.

Friday, October 5, 2012

50 Shades of Garbage

So, after doing more research on the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James, I'm even more appalled and disgusted that this is a New Yorks Times Bestseller. & even more so that women are reading this and are thrilled about this piece of crap.

Everywhere on pinterest, facebook, blogs etc. there's talk such as, "omg! if this becomes a movie, ian somerhalder should totes be cast for christian grey! lol! <3 omg! he's totes gorg!"

..... Insert vomit here......

Seriously, this is a disgrace to real writers, to the authors who have developed excellent plots, superb character developments, fantastic twists and turns in the storyline, and who have worked their asses off to create a story that touches, inspires, uplifts and speaks to the very soul of a reader.

And yet you choose this? This pornographic, flat, debasing, awfully written Twilight fan fiction that's simply had the names of the characters changed? This? You pick this?

So no more Jane Austen, no more John Keats, no more Princess Bride, no more Bronte Sisters, no more Shakespeare? No more real and beautiful love stories? No more stories where the heroine is strong in her endeavors and gentleman are always gentleman? No more epic romances where the good guy gets the girl, and the bad guy goes to jail or is reviled? None of that?

Ellen Degeneres brings a more lighthearted approach to this awful piece of "so-called literature", but before I let Ellen be awesome & say what the rest of the sane world is thinking, let me just leave here with this statement:

Pornography goes both ways. & if you don't think women should be subjected to the degradation and defilement that pornographic images or media bring; making women out to be a piece of meat, and only created for man's pleasurable interests, then sweetheart, the door swings BOTH ways. If guys are encouraged not to take part in pornography, even though their pornography is different, this filth that is on every single Barnes & Noble bookshelf in the nation is just another example of PORN.

Take it away Ellen,


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Mid-afternoon Musings

So this is what happens when someone from work gives me a droll, tedious, monotonous, excruciatingly painful job that I just can't stand to do anymore.

Let's just say it includes an excel spreadsheet and four books on Aviation.


So I'm updating my blog instead :) Many of the breaks I've taken from this awful busy work has been googling sights in Austria and listening to parts of The Sound of Christmas with Julie Andrews, Placido Domingo, John Denver & the King's Singers. This has inspired me to do some research as to how expensive it would be to travel to Austria next Christmas, or at least next winter for a week or two.

Then it hit me; there's literally nothing keeping me from travelling whenever the heck I want. I don't have school or tests I'd miss, my car's paid off & all I have going on is work which is extraordinarily easy to take time off for events like this. And most importantly, I want to do a Sound of Christmas inspired tour of Austria around that time of year! Go to Mondsee Cathedral where Placido sang O Holy Night & Something New in My Life with Julie, go to Werfen Castle where Julie sang In the Bleak Midwinter & go to Leopoldskron Castle where Julie, Placido, John & the King's Singers sang and danced to various & assorted Christmas songs.

How amazing would that be? To see Salzburg covered completely in white & dripping with Christmas lights & music.

If that alone doesn't convince you I'm brilliant, let me bring in some visuals that may change your mind.

Mondsee Cathedral, Salzburg Austria 

Leopoldskron Castle, Salzburg Austria

Ballroom at Leopoldskron Castle

Werfen Castle, Salzburg Castle 

Convinced yet? Me too. So my tentative plan is putting aside money every month from here till next May & then buy my plane ticket! Now I realize that things could definitely change between now and then, but this does give me something to look forward to. I've been missing Europe horribly for the past few months and I think the reason why it's been especially acute is the mere fact that I haven't been on a vacation, a real vacation without running around helping out with weddings or other major family events, in far too long. Out of all the countries I could go to, this is probably one of the safest ones and one where I won't have to worry too much about the language either.

So regardless on whether I go or not, it is something in the back of my head that will encourage and inspire me to get through the next year with something to look forward to. I'd love a white Christmas in a beautiful city in a beautiful country. This is the home of my favorite composer & where some of my favorite paintings are located.

I know it's crazy, and chances of me actually going are slim because I have a feeling I'm on the brink of a lot of changes going on, but usually I get my hopes up too high too fast. If my life comes crashing down between now and then, I will have this to look forward to. Something that will recharge my batteries, bring me peace of mind and more photographs to add to my facebook page :)


Sunday, September 23, 2012

"Something New in My Life"

I'm probably jumping the gun a bit on music/movies that are usually saved for Christmas, but this song I absolutely adore <3. I seriously can't stop listening to it & I think, aside from the fact that it's the incredible Julie Andrews & superb Placido Domingo singing it, the lyrics are so perfect for me right now.

I've finally made it. I'm finally here, at a place where I'm the most happy I've ever been and it feels so good to have finally arrived.

I should provide some backstory to this post. Several extremely hard trials & hardships have come up over the past 2 months or so. To spare you all of the disgusting, intimate details, I'll just leave it at this:

1.) In addition to moving from one apartment to another, I've had a copious amount of financial complications. My car was towed in my own parking lot for being in the visitor's parking space while my space was taken. When I went to contest it the d-bag told me that "it wasn't fair to the other visitors when you have a parking spot." Oh yeah, because first off people ONLY go to visit people at apartments for 30 mins or less AND there's going to be a lot of them coming at 12:00 on a school night. Yes, that makes perfect sense. Schmuck. On top of the fact that my deposit was twice as much as I thought it was going to be, and trying to get my stupid car fixed in order to get it registered in the miserable state of Utah, and other bills & financial obligations I had to take care of. I was very close to being homeless for 2 weeks there for a while. But with the help of a very dear, kind, compassionate friend I was able to take care of everything that needed to be taken care of.

2.) Another thing that was & is still going on under the surface was a very unhealthy relationship that was probably the most poisonous I've ever been in. I don't have any hard feelings towards the man, but needless to say I felt very violated after it ended. I feel horrible that I've become much more aloof and cold to many of the guys in my ward & other men who I know would never do anything to hurt me, but I guess that just goes to show that you don't get over something of that magnitude in a day.

However, in spite of all of this, I really feel that I am in a great place in my life right now. I have 2 wonderful roommates, the only real & genuine girls in my entire ward, I have very close, dear friends that are still in contact with me, both in Utah & Idaho & in other areas of the country, I have an amazing family that still loves me despite my many flaws, I have 2 internships that I'm loving every second of, a job at UVU I like, a photography job that pays well, Barnes & Noble I start in October, and another interview for an additional job that could mean more steady income. I also am making astonishing and astounding progress on my book that I really think after it's published will be a tremendous success.

Apart from money, there's really nothing in my life I can complain about right now. I'm confident in being alone & self-sufficient & independent, not requiring a man to make me happy; although there is someone who has made his way back into my life right now.

I feel like I'm finally at my best. As of this time, at this point I've come to, I feel as if I'm the best I can be right now.

I've been trying very hard to not swear, to serve others both people I know & strangers, to be more optimistic & have more faith, to take control of my check book, & to expand & enlarge my mind with constant reading & writing.

Every time I listen to this song, all I can think about is how happy I've become. Happiness really is a choice, a lifestyle, and not a circumstantial thing.

You're like a chance I had to take in my life
I found you and couldn't lose you
And all the difference that you make in my life
The feelings I never knew

I guess I must've saved an empty place in my heart
For you to come and fill this space in my heart
And long before I said, I loved you
I loved you

Whatever happens this is true in my life
When all the springs have come and gone
Whatever doors I may go through in my life
Whatever else that I may do in my life

You'll always be something new in my life
From now on
I know there always will be you in my life
From now on

I know there always will be you in  my life
From now on


Monday, September 3, 2012

"And then if thou endure it well..."

So the past 2 weeks, more specifically, the past 2 months have definitely been the hardest since I left college.

I have never felt so alone and so trapped in a very long time. & it is probably of my own making, partly. There's no doubt that I've been exluding myself from certain people in my life, and trying to do everything myself.

To sum up everything that's happened, I'll be brief:
1.) A particular experience with a man put such an extremely bad taste in my mouth that ever since then, I've had absolutely no desire to date or even hang out with new guys. To spare you all the sticky, unpleasant details, my trust was betrayed probably the worst it's ever been betrayed this time around.
2.) I moved out of my old place which is a good thing, but the new place I'm in is a bit more expensive than I had anticipated, compounded with the fact that I'm not sure how I'm gonna like hanging out with kids younger than me & still in college. I really am done with that phase of my life. It was fun for a while, but I have no interest in hanging with any clique-ish, high maintenance, superficial appearance-oriented, Utah people, which seems to make up the majority of my ward.
3.) Certain huge financial hiccups have happened, including my car, making it almost impossible to make ends meet, in addition to the deposit & first month of rent that I had to shell out so I wouldn't be homeless.
4.) My stagnant job search, and the fact that I'm not making the amount of money I should with the experience and Bachelor's degree that I have.

All in all, it probably doesn't sound like too much to handle. I think what I'm most frustrated with is that I haven't really gotten a break. All of this has piled up & piled up & piled up all at once. & I really don't think I've "endured" my trials well, simply because I've been on the verge of tears for 4 weeks. This place, Provo, Utah has been rejecting me like a bad kidney transplant. I feel so out of place right now & the only place I do want to be is New York. It's been such a pressing need to get out there, and I really don't know why.

Either way, to finish up this post I'll simply say this: The only real good thing that I can see from this is that maybe there's something really good on the horizon. Whenever there has been such a huge period of extreme suffering and affliction, I know that's the Lord preparing me for something big. Something is about to break through for me, whether it's with my career, with my writing, or with my dating, I know that something is on its way to me. And that comforts me every time I sink lower and lower into the trap of self-pity. I do know that things will get better.

"There is help and happiness ahead. It will be alright in the end. Trust God & believe in good things to come."

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Hate vs. Love

In light of recent events, particularly the 'lynching' that happened in Israel as well as the accusations some social groups have made in regards to religious associations, let me just make myself clear as to my opinion on the matter.

First of all, I am appalled and disgusted with how people have handled certain situations, especially regarding differences in opinion on politics as well as religion. A series of misunderstandings and miscommunications can lead to extreme, rash and violent consequences that could have easily been avoided had people just sat in front of each other and listened. More listening, less accusing.

How many times have you gotten your panties or knickers in a knot simply because you jumped to conclusions and preconceived notions without letting the other person finish what it was they had to say? Most of the time, at least for me, I have to talk what I'm thinking out several times before I feel like I reach a valid & logical point. And I think that goes for everyone.

So before you start putting words in other people's mouths, twisting the words that people say, and phishing for something to get offended about; how bout you take a chill pill, lay off the coffee or meth, and at least try to understand what the opposite party is trying to say.

Even if you don't agree with it, I don't think most people, for the most part, are looking to offend or abuse or try to take away your rights.

I think people need to go to arguing school before they're allowed to debate with others. There is a right and a wrong way to disagree, and lately World, you've been sucking at it. If Debating With Others Respectfully were a test, EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK AND YOUTUBE WOULD FAIL.

If I were to say that I don't like the color orange, did I just say that I don't like the people who like the color orange? NO! I said I didn't like one feature of their beliefs, meaning that the person who does like the color orange is probably a good person and an upstanding citizen, but the fact is that I do not agree with their love of the color orange. The color orange and the individual are two separate entities.

Are you gonna call me a sexist, bigotted, intolerant obscenity? Well, if you are on the apparent kick that most of the world is on, or at least most of AMERICA, then yeah. You're going to choose to be offended, before you hear my resonings of my disagreement with the color orange, and you're going to try to stop me from promoting my belief in the color blue, even though I am not trying to stop you from promoting or defending your love of the color orange.

Now, how fair and just is that? Is trying to stifle and criple my voice, denying my first amendment right, and for lack of a better word, being a tyrant/dictator ethical or moral?

So where am I going with this argument? I have two things, 1.) people need to stop trying to slander and ridicule people simply because they're trying to defend their beliefs, even though you may not agree with them, they have just as much right to say what they want to say as you do. The first amendment goes both ways, sweetheart. & 2.) It should not matter whether you're Arab or Jewish, Christian or Muslim, Republican or Democrat, Male or Female etc, if you want to advocate and uphold whatever beliefs you have, you do not resort to violence or any kind of personal attacks. I mean, I can't believe I'm even HAVING to say this people! This is COMMON SENSE, or did you leave that in your swastika wallet? Did we not learn from Stalin, Hitler, Huissen or Castro?


Monday, August 13, 2012

Gold in Them Hills

Sometimes there's just a weekend that completely drains you of everything.

This was one of them.

It started out with an exploratory interview with a publishing company I would literally kill for (okay maybe not literally, but I'd at least contemplate manslaughter to secure a position there), and ended with a very emotional Bishop's interview.

To spare you all of the nitty gritty unpleasantries, I'll just say this:

Even though there have been some guys in my life who I will always revere and admire, there is at least twice as many of them that have deceived, neglected, manipulated, abused, used and even molested me. Needless to say, even though I've said this before, I really am done dating. I can't seem to trust anyone, or at least give them the benefit of the doubt or be skeptical of their intentions with me.

In church this past Sunday in our dating & marriage class, the Bishop & his wife team-taught about marriage and divorce and keeping a marriage strong. He mentioned the beginning of his courtship with his wife and how he was so sick of the physicality that always inevitably followed dating, that when he and his wife began courting, he refused to even hold her hand for several months.

To some, this would be an incredibly extreme method in dating, even for LDS standards, but I found my eyes welled up with tears as he described this. And that's when I realized that I desperately wanted that for myself. I would absolutely adore a man who respected me that much, who never pushed me to do something I wasn't comfortable with, and who honest to goodness wanted to get to know me for just me and not try to get to know every crevice of my mouth.

I don't know what it is about me that attracts a majority of douchebags, but I'm getting pretty tired of it.

Now I'm not saying this as a "Woe is me" thing, and I am fully aware that I have dated very sweet, kind, caring, compassionate and selfless men. I have many examples of good men in my life. But 70% of them the past few months have been simply awful.

The 30% of them that are good can't seem to commit to me or for whatever reason can't see it going anywhere.

Regardless, I hate to sound like one of those girls who murmurs "You guys are all the same. Only afer one thing" and "I'm gonna focus on my career," but it seems like they are all the same, and my writing my novel, my pursuit of publishing and my growing photography seem to be the only thing that brings me happiness, so I am gonna focus on my career.

Again, I do know that there are great guys to be had and to be found. They just don't seem to be interested in dating me at the present time.

I am happy where I'm at. I'm happy being single because I can finally take care of me and put my own priorities first. I can't say the same thing about some of these scumbags.

To end, I wanted to share this song covered by Katie Melua (who I've fallen in love with all over again.) It's called Gold in Them Hills, and when you listen to it, you'll understand why I chose it for this blog post.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Choose Your Battles

I have always had a hard time being wrong. It's a tough-horse-pill to swallow to say the least. So when I'm right, I am right. And until I am backed up by other sources repeating that I was right I won't stop. I bask in the glory that is being right.

And here's why I am this way. I'm not right 98% of the time. On most everything I know very little about in order to have a successful argument & I usually lack in information on either side of the debacle. So the 2% of the time when I am right, I relish in it. And why shouldn't I? Everyone else triumphs over me when they prove me wrong, so on the rare-once in a Blue moon-event that I am right, I'm gonna milk it for all its worth, baby.

Here's an example:

One time in high school, I was talking to a group of people (the majority were guys) discussing Pepsi vs. Coca Cola products. And the topic turned to my favorite drink of all time, Dr. Pepper. The conversation proceeded like this,

Douchey Guy: Dr. Pepper's a Pepsi product.
Me: No it isn't.
Douchey Guy: Yeah it is! It's always with the Pepsi drinks. It's a Pepsi product.
Me: No it's not. Dr Pepper is its own company. It's not Pepsi or Coke.
Douchey Guy: No it's not...
Me: Uh, yeah it is bro. It's based out of Texas.
Douchey Guy: No it's not.
Me: My BROTHER works for Coca Cola. I know I'm right.
Douchey Guy: No you're not.

After a few minutes of googling the problem, I finally came out on top. I was right. Dr. Pepper was & is its own company & I thoroughly enjoyed rubbing it in his face afterwards. Because every time I have ever been proven wrong by this kid, he made a point to not only gloat to me but to all of his friends & tell everyone he knew that I was wrong about one thing or another.

That is one scenario in which I was right in my 23 years of existence. Now I'm sure I've been right about other things, but they were on a lesser scale because I was correcting someone who never tried to one-up me or prove me wrong about stuff. When they were right they told me and left it at that, and when I was right, I told them & left it at that.

But if some douchey guy, past or present, is on a constant quest to always be the one in the right, always argue with me, and deliberately try to make me feel like I'm stupid, you bet your pretentious ass I'm gonna gloat & rub it in your face when I'm right. You could set your clock by it. It's going to happen. It's all a matter of when.

I'm going to be so happy to find a guy who I can have discussions with and not competitions or arguments with.


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Deeper Side to You & Your Side Now

These two songs I came across randomly as I was watching wedding videos on, mostly to just get an idea of what they look like & whatnot. But these two beautiful songs by Trent Dabbs & Phillip LaRue really moved me & continue to do so. They quietly remind my skeptical, cynical self that maybe true love isn't just found in Disney movies or fairytales.

Theres a fire in every mans heart
Waiting to burn
For some it takes a lifetime to learn
But back December when my world started turning
I still remember the day
I felt the weight of a thousand ships
Sail on

And I want to know what its like
And you want to know if its true
And I know theres a deeper side of you

I know its been raining on you
Since you were 17
The waters rose up so high
That you lost your meaning
I miss the summer when the air was so thin
I saw you come alive
What will take to turn the light on
Turn it on

Dont let them take you down
Let them hear you sing
Singing out

There you are behind a velvet curtain,
I am waiting outside.
Give me a signal,
let me know if its workin.
Everything that I try.

Cause it's a long drive home.
It's a long drive alone.

Don't hide,
Let me see it from your side now.
It's alright,
Let me see it from your side now.

All the talking as the night just follows,
All the leaves to the ground.
We're moving closer to the perfect moment,
and I can stil hear the sound,
of a good love gone,
on a long drive home.

Don't hide, 
Let me see it from your side now.
It's alright,
Let me see it from your side now.

Something happened while your heart was breaking,
you forgot how to trust.
I'm just saying please believe in something.
Start believing in us.

Don't hide, 
Let me see it from your side now.
It's alright,
Let me see it from your side now.

Don't hide, 
Let me see it from your side now.
It's alright,
Let me see it from your side now.

Monday, July 16, 2012

She Will Be Loved

I'm starting to understand why my relationships never last very long. This morning the awful realization dawned upon me in the worst way possible. 

I've always wondered what I brought to the relationship, what I contributed to my job, what more I brought to this world & how I could make a name for myself. But now what I've come to know is that the only thing I've got going for me is physical appearance. That's why none of my relationships lasted longer than three months. That's why it was always easy to get a man's attention, but considerably harder to keep him around. 

I completed my Bachelor's Degree in English Creative Writing with two minors in Humanities & Photography in 4 years, which to some might not seem that remarkable, but I've found that most people are shocked that I didn't take a year off to work, or go on a mission or whatever. I graduated with a B average in general, and in addition to that, I won three different times in three different categories for the best creative writing piece in my Creative Writing & Publishing class. 

Since then, I've sent in two different stories, one fantasy, one sci-fi, to FreeManderson LLC, which is a publishing company in association with Kindle books. My Immortal & Letters From the Sky. 

I have travelled to Europe several times, four times to England, twice to Spain, in addition to Austria, Germany, Italy, and France. 

I've played the violin for over eight years, and have done freelance photography for over six, in addition to constantly and consistently reading and understanding poetry by Pablo Neruda, E. E. Cummings, Robert Frost, John Keats and John Milton, as well as books by Jane Austen, George Eliot, Lewis Carroll, Paulo Coelho, Charles Dickens, Irving Stone, and many others.

But no, no one ever pays any attention to that. No one bothers to ask why my dream is to contribute to Young Adult & Children's literature with the four books I've already started. No one ever wonders why I don't want to do wedding/engagement photography forever and instead want to pursue fine art photography in capturing whimsical, ethereal moments on camera. No one is ever curious as to why I want to travel back to Italy to see the Keats-Shelley museum, the Pieta by Michelango, why I want to see the castles in Edinburgh, Scotland, why I want to go to the temple of Isis in Egypt. No. 

Because the truth is, I only have my female body to recommend myself to the opposite sex. That's all. Just a trophy girlfriend. Only thing I can rely on is my B cups, my long torso & long legs. 

Now I'm usually not a fan of Maroon 5, but dang Adam had a point in this song,

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

All I've ever wanted was for someone to see me, really see me. Through everything. Through every sarcastic comment, through every forced smile, through every thoughtless comment, through every obnoxious laugh. 

Although it's nice to hear that I'm nice to look at, that I've got a decent body, I'd just like for once for a man to have something else to say to me than that. 


Thursday, June 28, 2012

As Fast As I Can

So recently me, my roommate Lizzie & our friend Stacey have been watching How I Met Your Mother religiously. We have even gone as far as to adopte certain catch phrases from the character Barney Stinson. And though the show can be quite crude, mostly due to Barney Stinson's character, I learn a lot from Ted Mosby's character, who just happens to be the narrator of the show.

The episode I happened upon last night was one of the last in season 4 after he runs into his ex-fiance who left him at the altar. They have an interesting conversation in a car where Ted admits to Stella, the ex, that he wants to find that girl he can have a serious relationship with and marry and have kids with.

Stella tells a joke about a cop who pulls over a young woman going 90 miles an hour in a 45 speed zone. When he approaches her window he says, "Young lady, I've been waiting for you all day." To which she responds, "I'm sorry officer, I got here as fast as I could."

Now this joke at first glance may warrant a chuckle. But as Stella explains herself more, she tells Ted that his dream girl is getting here as fast she can. And even though Ted may have to wait a little while longer, it's gonna happen sooner or later.

For whatever reason that episode hit me pretty hard. Now, I'm not one to take inspiration or motivation from a show that has Jason Segel and Neil Patrick Harris in it, but needless to say Stella had a pretty good point, and I can definitely relate to Ted's endless romantic search to find the woman he was meant to be with.

With everything that's been going on recently, my stagnant job search, my vexed apartment living standards (the fact that we pay 260$ a month and we still don't have a washer or dryer), feeling like I'm constantly overheating, never feeling like I'm catching my breath with my finances, not being able to afford the things that I need and want so badly, and last but certainly not least, my dating disappointments and failures, it's easy to see why that would make me feel at least slightly better about my current situation.

I'm 23, I have a college degree, a mediocre house, never a real minute to myself, no potential suitors, a piece of garbage phone and car, and a desire to feel alive again, like I did when I was meandering through ancient Roman streets, Austrian mountains, and Spanish beaches.

I do want to go teach English abroad, but that's only a temporary position. I can't do that forever. Eventually I'm gonna have to come back home, and what's gonna be waiting for me there? If I found a letter to myself that I wrote when I was in Young Women's addressed to my future self, I'm only gonna have one thing I wanted accomplished.

I don't really even know what I'm saying or even what I want. I know I don't want any advice. This is something I have to figure out on my own. I guess I just wanted to write this all down, get it out on black & white so that it's not eating at me anymore. The older I get the less emotional I get, and I guess I don't wanna vent to people I know who are in my exact same boat. I just want something more. I just don't know what it is yet.



Tuesday, June 26, 2012

My Own Pride & Prejudice Movie

So a friend of mine offered an interesting proposition, if you were to make your own movie version of Pride & Prejudice who would cast for the roles? I've got a pretty thought-out list that you're more than willing to comment on :)

Emily Blunt, Emma Watson or Rachel Weisz as Elizabeth Bennett

Gerard Butler as Mr Darcy

Matthew Lewis as Mr Bingley

Meryl Streep or Emma Thomspon as Lady Catherine DeBurg 

Kate Winslet or Naomi Watts (or Emily Blunt if she's not cast as Elizabeth) as Jane Bennett

Liam Neeson or Hugh Laurie as Mr Bennett

Clive Owen as Mr Wickham

Cate Blanchett as Ms Bingley

Whaddya think? :) Let me know what your thoughts are. As far as the other characters like the rest of Elizabeth's sisters and Mrs. Bennett, I haven't thought that far ahead yet. But I think I'd do a damn better job than the last unfortunate rendering of Jane Austen's best work. No offense Keira.