Monday, August 13, 2012

Gold in Them Hills

Sometimes there's just a weekend that completely drains you of everything.

This was one of them.

It started out with an exploratory interview with a publishing company I would literally kill for (okay maybe not literally, but I'd at least contemplate manslaughter to secure a position there), and ended with a very emotional Bishop's interview.

To spare you all of the nitty gritty unpleasantries, I'll just say this:

Even though there have been some guys in my life who I will always revere and admire, there is at least twice as many of them that have deceived, neglected, manipulated, abused, used and even molested me. Needless to say, even though I've said this before, I really am done dating. I can't seem to trust anyone, or at least give them the benefit of the doubt or be skeptical of their intentions with me.

In church this past Sunday in our dating & marriage class, the Bishop & his wife team-taught about marriage and divorce and keeping a marriage strong. He mentioned the beginning of his courtship with his wife and how he was so sick of the physicality that always inevitably followed dating, that when he and his wife began courting, he refused to even hold her hand for several months.

To some, this would be an incredibly extreme method in dating, even for LDS standards, but I found my eyes welled up with tears as he described this. And that's when I realized that I desperately wanted that for myself. I would absolutely adore a man who respected me that much, who never pushed me to do something I wasn't comfortable with, and who honest to goodness wanted to get to know me for just me and not try to get to know every crevice of my mouth.

I don't know what it is about me that attracts a majority of douchebags, but I'm getting pretty tired of it.

Now I'm not saying this as a "Woe is me" thing, and I am fully aware that I have dated very sweet, kind, caring, compassionate and selfless men. I have many examples of good men in my life. But 70% of them the past few months have been simply awful.

The 30% of them that are good can't seem to commit to me or for whatever reason can't see it going anywhere.

Regardless, I hate to sound like one of those girls who murmurs "You guys are all the same. Only afer one thing" and "I'm gonna focus on my career," but it seems like they are all the same, and my writing my novel, my pursuit of publishing and my growing photography seem to be the only thing that brings me happiness, so I am gonna focus on my career.

Again, I do know that there are great guys to be had and to be found. They just don't seem to be interested in dating me at the present time.

I am happy where I'm at. I'm happy being single because I can finally take care of me and put my own priorities first. I can't say the same thing about some of these scumbags.

To end, I wanted to share this song covered by Katie Melua (who I've fallen in love with all over again.) It's called Gold in Them Hills, and when you listen to it, you'll understand why I chose it for this blog post.


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