Monday, October 31, 2011

Fix You

All I want to do is fix it. All I want is for things to be back to the way they were before things got complicated. All I want is for things to be as they once were. I just want to fix you & I don't know how.

Things were so great not a few months ago. Perfect. Immovable. Unchanging. Happy.

Now things are all kinds of effed up. And I can't seem to restore what once was, no matter how hard I try. To be honest I don't even know where to start. All I know is I haven't felt so worthless, miserable and so screwed up in a long time. It's all my fault. I've tried, but I've failed. Epic fail is an epic understatement.

I have no one to blame but myself. Every relationship I touch turns to rot.

Words to the wise: don't date your friends. It screws everything up & everyone involved inevitably gets hurt.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I got 99 problems but...

You know, I've always had a certain temperament when it comes to certain situations. I've spent my entire life doing things for other people, bending over backwards for others, sacrificing my own happiness to secure another's, and last but not least, making sure that I am in good standing with the people that surround me, apologizing for things that didn't need apologizing for. I've always been too afraid to say how I'm really feeling because someone inevitably makes me feel guilty when I'm justified in my thoughts. I've always been too much of a coward to advocate for myself.

But you know what, I've reached my breaking point. I'm out of ideas, patience and time. I don't know what else I should be doing to earn some sort of respect, but I'm done.

Let me extrapolate, first off: I'm done with medicore guys. I'm done with guys who profess to be my friend and then decide to be my friend when they want something from me, or more specifically, when they want action. I'm done with guys who say one thing, and behave completely differently the next day. Who put on a show of being a "nice decent guy" and then wind up being just as conniving, manipulative and hurtful as the previous dirtbag. I have been taken advantage of so many times, that if I had a penny for every time a guy used me, I'd have more than enough money to get my mother out of debt, AND get me & my family living the Bill Gates' lifestyle in a minute.

And 75% of the time, these situations are of my own making. I fall for it every single FREAKING time. I buy it hook, line & sinker. But you know what, at least I can say, with impunity & with all assurance, that I DON'T deserve this. That's one thing I've got goin for me. I don't care if I fall for the same dog & pony show every time, YOU should know better.

I am not your typical girl. I'm not an idiot, I'm not a cheap thrill & I'm NOT to be tossed aside. I have been shafted so many times over the past few months that it's amazing to me why I haven't blown up a building or been admitted to an insane asylum.

How dare you? How DARE you lead me to believe that you are some sort of martyr of the male sex, pulling out the victim card, leading me to feel sorry for your predicament and then wind up being just as hurtful & full of malice as the people you say have done the same thing to you in turn?

What did I do to deserve that? I'm fully aware of the mistakes I've made. Nobody is more aware of them than I am. No one goes to sleep at night tossing & turning and loathing the things that I've done more than me. But I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to change. And you're content in being in the exact same place as you were 2 years ago. You're more than happy in being alone, whereas I'd like a family. I'd like a home. I'd like a Christmas where both a mother AND a father are present. I'd like a bed that wasn't empty when I come home every night.

I'm so done. I'm so done with this. I have way too much love to give, way too much life to live, and way too much happiness to spend on another than to waste my time on someone who doesn't give a damn about me. I don't have to settle for someone who doesn't treat me like a human being. I don't have time to be with someone who messes with my head and plays mind games. I'm 22. I'm over this.

If you wanna be my friend, then step up to the plate. Mediocrity has no place in my life anymore. I'm raising the bar for the people I date & the people I surround myself with. If that's not kosher with you, well that's too damn bad.

I'm done with players.

I wash my hands of this.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Just a Kiss

Ya know, here's a little insight to the workings of the mind/heart of Megan Trijntje VerHoef.

When I kiss a guy, that sends a very powerful message. Not along the same lines as marriage, but enough of a powerful statement that's much more than "I like you, you're cool." I used to be very liberal with my kisses. I used to kiss any guy that showed interest in me.

However, over the recent year I've become very particular about the guys I kiss because every time I kiss a guy, I get attached inevitably. I'm not saying it's eternal, but I am saying there's a level of commitment and there's a certain special feeling that is shared from within me that I don't share with just any average Joe. At least not any more.

If you believe in love languages, it would probably be said that mine is physical touch, or more specifically, kissing. When I kiss someone, it runs much deeper. It means much more to me than hand holding or a "You're beautiful" or whatever else is spoken that's supposed to make me "swoon."

So when/if I kiss you do not take it lightly. I don't just kiss anybody. I kiss someone when I mean it. I kiss someone if I see it becoming official/ a relationship. I kiss someone I care about. I kiss someone that I share bits and pieces of my heart to.

I guess not everyone feels the same way I do.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

On the heart

There's one monologue from a beloved movie of mine that is most applicable to my life right now. It's Sandra Bullock as Sally writing to her sister Gilly. & it's no matter where I'm at in life or where I'm going, I always seem to be feeling this exact same way.

"Dearest Gilly,
Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon."

I know it's not true, and I know it's just because I haven't found what it is I'm looking for yet, but often times I feel like Sally. I want to be seen. I don't want to go to bed each night wanting. And more often than not, there is only that moon at my side and no man. It won't last forever. I know it's just a temporary state. I know that this is all a learning experience for me & blah blah blah blah. I get it. But the fact is, good advice doesn't hold me at night. Nice thoughts and words of encouragement don't kiss me or hold my hand. That's all I'm saying. All my life I've just wanted someone to love me for who I am and never leave. I get half but not the other. I never get what I want completely and indefinitely. & my heart has been beaten almost too many times to where I'm afraid one day I'm just gonna give up and not want to fall in love.

I'm just sick of dating. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick of putting my heart through the ringer time & time again it not working out. This is more of me just venting. I'm fine, I'm just tired and my father would always say "Fatigue makes cowards of us all" so tonight I'm just being a coward. I'm afraid. & even though it won't last forever, I wonder when forever will actually start.


Saturday, October 1, 2011

Hindsight is much more than 20-20

So, it's interesting to hear about people who meant something to you in your past at some point, and how they're doing recently.

I'm not gonna spare any vague "walking-on-eggshells" phrases when it comes to my previous relationships. I've dated some real douche bags, who weren't douche bags to begin with, at least not outrightly. But it's only been fairly recently that I've been exposing my heart to nice guys. Guys who honor their priesthood, guys who go to the temple on a regular basis, guys who treat me like an actual human being.

So when I hear about the current circumstances in which my previous boyfriend is in, naturally I'm curious. It was quite the eye opener, but I can't say it's all that surprising.

Let me just say, most fervently, that I dodged a huge bullet. I have never ever been so grateful for a break up than I feel right now towards this guy.

And I feel for this girl who has attached herself to him. While they were dating I had feelings to talk to her about him, to let her know some of the things that bothered me and the red flags I saw but was too bore-sided on not being alone that I ignored them. But it would've seemed awkward, it would've looked like I was trying to "get him back" or separate them for selfish reasons.

In all honesty, by about month 3 of the aftermath of the breakup that was the farthest thing from my mind.

This young woman is such a sweetheart. I never really knew her, only from a far off, but she was a dear. I knew that from the people she spoke with, and her roommates who happened to be my former roommates.

I am so grateful for revelation. And so sick at heart that this young woman is stuck with this dirtbag for eternity. I said from the get-go that I thought she was too pretty, too sweet and too good for him. And that still definitely holds true.

So, even though they suck at the beginning, sometimes break ups can be the best thing that'll ever happen to you. And I'm thankful for my own ability to let go when I know it's wrong.