Tuesday, October 4, 2011
On the heart
There's one monologue from a beloved movie of mine that is most applicable to my life right now. It's Sandra Bullock as Sally writing to her sister Gilly. & it's no matter where I'm at in life or where I'm going, I always seem to be feeling this exact same way.
Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon."
I know it's not true, and I know it's just because I haven't found what it is I'm looking for yet, but often times I feel like Sally. I want to be seen. I don't want to go to bed each night wanting. And more often than not, there is only that moon at my side and no man. It won't last forever. I know it's just a temporary state. I know that this is all a learning experience for me & blah blah blah blah. I get it. But the fact is, good advice doesn't hold me at night. Nice thoughts and words of encouragement don't kiss me or hold my hand. That's all I'm saying. All my life I've just wanted someone to love me for who I am and never leave. I get half but not the other. I never get what I want completely and indefinitely. & my heart has been beaten almost too many times to where I'm afraid one day I'm just gonna give up and not want to fall in love.
I'm just sick of dating. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick of putting my heart through the ringer time & time again it not working out. This is more of me just venting. I'm fine, I'm just tired and my father would always say "Fatigue makes cowards of us all" so tonight I'm just being a coward. I'm afraid. & even though it won't last forever, I wonder when forever will actually start.