Thursday, October 27, 2011

I got 99 problems but...

You know, I've always had a certain temperament when it comes to certain situations. I've spent my entire life doing things for other people, bending over backwards for others, sacrificing my own happiness to secure another's, and last but not least, making sure that I am in good standing with the people that surround me, apologizing for things that didn't need apologizing for. I've always been too afraid to say how I'm really feeling because someone inevitably makes me feel guilty when I'm justified in my thoughts. I've always been too much of a coward to advocate for myself.

But you know what, I've reached my breaking point. I'm out of ideas, patience and time. I don't know what else I should be doing to earn some sort of respect, but I'm done.

Let me extrapolate, first off: I'm done with medicore guys. I'm done with guys who profess to be my friend and then decide to be my friend when they want something from me, or more specifically, when they want action. I'm done with guys who say one thing, and behave completely differently the next day. Who put on a show of being a "nice decent guy" and then wind up being just as conniving, manipulative and hurtful as the previous dirtbag. I have been taken advantage of so many times, that if I had a penny for every time a guy used me, I'd have more than enough money to get my mother out of debt, AND get me & my family living the Bill Gates' lifestyle in a minute.

And 75% of the time, these situations are of my own making. I fall for it every single FREAKING time. I buy it hook, line & sinker. But you know what, at least I can say, with impunity & with all assurance, that I DON'T deserve this. That's one thing I've got goin for me. I don't care if I fall for the same dog & pony show every time, YOU should know better.

I am not your typical girl. I'm not an idiot, I'm not a cheap thrill & I'm NOT to be tossed aside. I have been shafted so many times over the past few months that it's amazing to me why I haven't blown up a building or been admitted to an insane asylum.

How dare you? How DARE you lead me to believe that you are some sort of martyr of the male sex, pulling out the victim card, leading me to feel sorry for your predicament and then wind up being just as hurtful & full of malice as the people you say have done the same thing to you in turn?

What did I do to deserve that? I'm fully aware of the mistakes I've made. Nobody is more aware of them than I am. No one goes to sleep at night tossing & turning and loathing the things that I've done more than me. But I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to change. And you're content in being in the exact same place as you were 2 years ago. You're more than happy in being alone, whereas I'd like a family. I'd like a home. I'd like a Christmas where both a mother AND a father are present. I'd like a bed that wasn't empty when I come home every night.

I'm so done. I'm so done with this. I have way too much love to give, way too much life to live, and way too much happiness to spend on another than to waste my time on someone who doesn't give a damn about me. I don't have to settle for someone who doesn't treat me like a human being. I don't have time to be with someone who messes with my head and plays mind games. I'm 22. I'm over this.

If you wanna be my friend, then step up to the plate. Mediocrity has no place in my life anymore. I'm raising the bar for the people I date & the people I surround myself with. If that's not kosher with you, well that's too damn bad.

I'm done with players.

I wash my hands of this.

1 comment:

  1. I like your new attitude. Don't ever lower that bar that you've just raised!