Saturday, December 18, 2010

I've gotta do something

I'm about to go insane. Finals are done. Most of my roommates have left. I'm basically done packing & cleaning & all of my errands have been taken care of. And I leave for Salt Lake tomorrow. It's 3:14 on a Saturday afternoon. What on earth am I gonna do with myself for 24 hours? I'm going crazy with cabin fever! Maybe now would be the time to take up knitting...... nah. I'm not that desperate for activities just yet. But I need to do something or else I may end up blowing something up or smashing a glass container to pieces. Both will get me into trouble!


Sunday, December 12, 2010


There's so much to do this week. I'm sure that I have some finals I should be worried about. I bet there's packing I need to be doing. I definitely need to be running errands, preparing for next semester, buying Christmas presents and be running around worried about one thing or another.

But right now. At this moment in time. I'm only thinking about how happy & ecstatic I feel. Right now, I'm only contemplating about how fulfilled and blessed I am. Right now, the only thoughts that are colliding in my head are thoughts of one thing and one thing only.

This weekend can't come fast enough. =)


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Monday, December 6, 2010

Vent Session

So it all started last night. I first had nightmares about how I randomly wake up incredibly fat with hair in places I didn't think was possible.... after that I actually wake up with a bad stomach ache & the urge to throw up. Finally I went back to sleep and ended up having more nightmares, but this time about my grammar class...

After waking up, late for class, I try to start my car but as it turns out it was completely out of gas. On top of the fact that it was cold and wet and gross outside. So I walk to the class that I hate & back and realize I have nothing to eat. But after my nightmares last night I figured maybe that's just as well.

So after my kind & loving roommate takes me to the gas station to fill up I end up spilling gasoline ALL OVER ME. On top of the fact that my fingers were cold & raw from the freaking weather. Not to mention the fact that my back was killing me today from the part of the wall that fell on me Saturday night when we were taking down the set for the opera.....

Let's just say, I've had better days. But now I'm nice & cozy in my apartment, baking a birthday cake for a good friend of mine. So maybe today ended a little better than it began.



Saturday, December 4, 2010


I wonder if I do enough. Lately I've been trying so hard to do the right thing, be there for people in my life like my friends and roommates and family. But recently I've felt a mixture of inadequacy as well as wondering if I'll ever be worth it to someone.

It's silly, I know. But I feel like I try so hard to be a good friend, so hard to be the kind of woman that a man'll find worthy and loyal and true, but it all ends up with me feeling like I'm never good enough.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just feeling really tired and overwhelmed with everything that's been going on in school and so forth. My dad always used to say that fatigue makes cowards of us all. I know he's right. But I dunno. I hope I'm proven wrong some day. I'm just so tired of this feeling of not being good enough. Of not being "worth the time."

It's late & I should've been in bed 3 hours ago. Hopefully this too shall pass & I'll feel better in the morning. G'night.


Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I have decided,

that technical theater sucks majorly.

In spite of the fact that ya know, nothing is explained & there are contradictions between the syllabus and what my teacher says. On top of the fact that he doesn't inform us very well as far as what the junk we're supposed to be doing. And on top of the fact that we cannot do homework while this stupid Opera is sucking up 4 hours of my life every night.

I am now a Humanities & Photography cluster. :)


Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Muppets

That is who I am paying homage to in this blog post. My one rock in this changing world! Haha

But seriously. If ever I need a pick-me-up, I resort to Muppet movies. Today I'm watching A Muppet Family Christmas & missing my family more than anything.

And in this Muppet special lies one of my favorite songs of all time.

It's in every one of us
To be wise
Find your heart
Open up both your eyes
We can all know everything
Without ever knowing why

It's in every one of us
By and by

It's in every one of us
To be wise
Find your heart
Open up both your eyes
We can all know everything
Without ever knowing why

It's in every one of us
By and by
By and by


Friday, November 26, 2010

Friends are lifesavers

I don't think I coulda gotten through this Thanksgiving week without the amazing friends who took me under their wings & took care of me.

That's what I'm grateful for this Thanksgiving. My family away from my family =)


Friday, November 19, 2010

I love nights like this...

I may end up eating my words by the end of next month, but I truly do love watching the snow fall at night, catching the light of the street lamps.

Not the fat, chunky blizzard snow that falls in your face and blinds you but the soft, white whispys that fall gently & make you wanna twirl around & around under the sky with your arms above your head.

I came out of doing the Opera tonight in a fairly decent mood but seeing the light snowflakes falling softly made me smile. I drove home, got out of the car and turned up Mannheim Steamroller's The Holy & the Ivy as I laid down on the roof of my car and just soaked in the moment.

I feel recently that not enough people take a moment out of their incredibly busy days to just enjoy a simple thing like a snowfall. As I walked back into my apartment I took a moment and just stood their and watched the snow again. I love peaceful nights like this. It's at those moments when everything is quiet, that I feel the happiest.

The only thing that was really missing was just someone to share it with.


My Wish

& while you're out there gettin where you're gettin to,
I hope you know somebody loves you
& wants the same things too
Yeah this,
Is my wish


Let's just say.... I had a very good conversation today. & I am on cloud 9! So I'm feeling like the picture above ^



Blessings, blessings, blessings!

So I should be in bed right now. I have a class in less then 7 hours. But I'm not even a little bit tired!

After watching National Lampoon's Christmas vacation at my favorite guy's apartment, I can't help but remember all of the blessings that Heavenly Father has given me. Kind of a funny thing to think about, especially after a Chevy Chase movie, but I think with the mixture of the holidays, family & amazing friends that I have, I've come to realize how ungrateful I've been.

Not that I never thank Heavenly Father for anything. I thank Him for many things in my prayers every night! But I do think it extends to our attitudes just as much as verbally expressing our thanks, you know? My attitude has been such a bad one lately that it could easily be seen as being ungrateful. Which I really need to work on... and honestly the things that put me in a foul mood are things that, in all honesty, are not that big of a deal at all!

Sure I complain about this stupid Opera that I'm being forced to do, the fact that I feel lonely on Friday nights and how I wish I could be in a warmer climate, but really, there are so many good things that are going well in my life right now that I rarely, if ever, talk about here.

I mean, I'm healthy. No more fainting spells (which I'm a little sad about, because they're great power naps! haha) I have a fantastic teacher that I TA for who is more than incredibly understanding, I have amazing friends (both guys & girls) that I can literally count on being there for me whenever I need them. I have outstanding roommates that try to include me in everything that's going on & somehow make me smile even when I feel like crying. I have the best guy friends in the world who drop everything to give me blessings at the moment I tell them I need one. I have a stellar screenwriting professor who encourages me to better myself in my writing and tells me that I can shoot for the stars. I have the best Bishopric a college student could ever ask for. I have an incredible family who help me with anything I may be struggling with. And more importantly, I have a loving Heavenly Father who watches over me & directs my steps on the path that I'm going on.

That being said, I think it's safe to assume that I have a lot to be thankful for.

All in all, let me just close in saying that I'm sorry if I've been coming off as an ungrateful, spoiled, brat. I've discovered that the more I serve others, the happier I get, and the more I realize exactly how blessed I am.


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

This is the only thing getting me through this week

Yes, I am a total nerd. But you have to have your occasional dosage of brain heroin at some point. Better this than Twilight right? I'll post the epicness that is the movie trailer shortly.

And yes, I do still have a fatty crush on Draco Malfoy.

Friday, November 12, 2010

You may be awesome at what you do but,

your people skills SUCK MAJOR BALLS.

Ya know, I'm 21. Twenty FREAKING one years old. Don't treat me like a mentally challenged eight year old when I walk into your office and ask you for ONE THING to rent from the costume shop.

I freaking despise people who try to make my life more difficult when it really shouldn't be. Yeah, I get that you're amazing at designing costumes & crap, but your people skills are revolting. Maybe THAT'S why you decide to work with fabric rather than with other individuals. How bout you stick to that hmmm? Because you obviously have no idea how to talk to another person without being incredibly rude. You come off as being a heinous wi-atch from the get go.

So the next time you treat me like an idiot I swear on everything holy I will go off on you & not feel sorry about it at all. I don't care how many years you've taught in the theater department. Get whatever is up your butt & causing you to have a hernia out or I'll do it for you.

People in this major take themselves far too seriously.... and I'll be happy to take you down about fifteen notches :)

Mega-Pissed off-At-the-morons-in-the-Theater-Department

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Untitled Piece of Crap

I see the sunset in your eyes
Tears of color when you cry
I feel the ocean on your skin
Waves of goosebumps from within

And I want to steal your attention
And I want to rob your affection

Only a few lines but yeah it kinda sucks. But leave your criticism anywhere you please. Just be gentle, it's my first time haha


Saturday, November 6, 2010

Maybe I should listen to sappy break up songs more often...

There's one song (the only decent song I believe) on Taylor Swift's new album called Last Kiss that I've listened to that I actually like.

But even more than that, there's something about it that has kinda led me to attempt to write some songs. I am definitely not a proficient especially in the art of lyric and song writing but I do believe I've found some sort of Muse. I'll put a few of the lyrics up but please be gentle, it's my first time :)

(Nick I'm counting on you as a fellow creative writer to be brutally honest!)

Actually I'm too much of a chicken. I think they're incredibly corny so uh... false alarm! haha Maybe I'll put them up later on today.... I'm such a pansy!


Monday, October 25, 2010

Embarrassing Moments brought to you by Megatron!

Haha so this weekend was a pretty good one. I went down to visit my sick awesome cousin & his beautiful little family & even got a date or two out of it as well!

Now I should probably put a disclaimer up somewhere, or do something like pass out flyers to make it known to all males that if they ever do end up taking me on a date I without fail do something to embarrass myself. Which isn't a bad thing usually (I pride myself in being the comic relief most days) but I figure it would be a nice thing to let gentlemen know ahead of time so they can be aware in case I do end up saying/doing something dumb.

Now, for a little backstory. My first college boyfriend that I had took me out on our first official date. He didn't have a car, but it was fine because I did. We were gonna go to Applebee's but I had to put gas in my car so I did, only I don't know why I did this, but I put the gas nozzle handle thingy down (you know when you don't want to stand there & hold the handle & wait for your gas so you put that silver thing down & it automatically stays there when your gas is pumping? Yeah. That do-hickey)
Well I wasn't meaning to fill it up all the way so I moved it back, ended up slamming my fingers and at the same time spilling gasoline all over my nice clothes. I ended up smelling like it for the rest of the night. But he was such a dear & laughed about it but didn't make it seem like he noticed it.

Another first date with a guy that I went on happened to take place at Applebee's (oh the irony!) things were going fine, he was a very attractive man, and I find that whenever I'm on a date with a very good-looking guy I get nervous & fidgety & end up putting my foot in my mouth on multiple occasions. So this time, we were talking & laughing and he mentioned how much of a good time he was having. And I proceeded to say "Yeah me too! Which is a good thing because that way we both get some." I immediately slapped my hand over my mouth and turned the brightest red I've ever been & ended up looking down at my soup for about 10 minutes trying to regain my composure. I had meant to say that 'it was a good thing that we're both having a good time' but instead that came out of my mouth. He was also very good about that incident, and just laughed about it & changed the subject.

So that's a little preview to the things that I've done on first dates that are a little comical.

This time, when I was on another first date, we went to miniature golf. And I guess it had been a while since I had gone put-puting because I apparently didn't remember that some holes that you place the ball in lead to other areas where the ball comes out in a different place. Well, I put-ed my ball into the hole & he did likewise. Well, I put my hand in the hole for about 5 minutes trying to find my freakin ball when all of a sudden I hear "Megan.... it's over here." I look over & there are our balls that have been spit out someplace else about 10 feet away from where I was. HAHA! I just scratched my head and mumbled "I knew that..." It was pretty funny & I'm actually glad it happened. Not exactly the most embarrassing thing I've ever done, but still it was a definite blonde moment for a brunette.


Sunday, October 17, 2010

Lessons still being learned

For some reason, this Sunday was especially hard on me for several reasons. The combination of the hymns sung at church (music is making me very sensitive lately) on top of thinking about my dad & missing so much I couldn't breathe, on top of my worries & stresses that seem to constantly plague my life; I completely lost it today in Sacrament meeting.

I actually had a pretty decent weekend this weekend too. I spent my Friday night going on a scavenger hunt for my friend's half birthday. Then I spent my Saturday painting the scenery for the school production of Arsenic & Old Lace (my favorite play), then Saturday evening talking with a good friend from my screen-writing class about our screenplays, and finished the night with my amazing FHE brothers & roomies at the dunes by a bonfire under a beautiful night sky talking & laughing it up about Zombie apocalypses and other random topics.

But for some reason, today I feel incredibly lonely. I feel a little less pitiful after getting a blessing from a few of my good guy friends which helped, I'm sure. But I'm still suffering, I'm still so lost, I'm still struggling.

I am stronger than this. I know I am. I don't remember it being this hard before. I don't remember any of my trials or adversity being so difficult that I kept getting knocked down. But recently it feels like the rug keeps on getting pulled out from under me over and over and over again.

Elie Wiesel said something pretty significant once that I've been rereading a lot. He said, "I have not lost faith in God. I have moments of anger and protest. Sometimes I've been closer to Him for that reason." Wow. Exactly what I've been feeling like lately. I don't think I could ever be angry with God. I'd be too scared to do that. But I do have those moment of protest. Especially lately. And I have actually felt closer to Him & The Savior quite a lot. With every blessing, every tearful prayer, every hug from a guy friend, I feel like I get closer and closer. So I am grateful for that, in spite of all of these issues that keep coming up so many times.

I can say, that I have never been as close to Him as I have been recently. I just wish I had a constant guy friend that I could always count on. I've really been missing a good guy hug. The really big, safe-feeling, masculine guy hugs. The kind I could cry in. The kind I can feel so secure and protected, if only for a moment, from all the things that are going wrong in my life.

But oh well. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Just another thing I'll have to live without for now.


Friday, October 15, 2010

Can someone please pass the happy pills?

I just want to be happy again. I want to actually wake up in the morning & not wish to get hit by a bus so I don't have to deal with my financial issues, my loneliness, school, and the men in my life.

It'll take time, & I realize that. But I'm done with this. I'm so over being miserable. I done with feeling hopeless. I just don't know how to move past all this, that's all.

It's just a bad night. That's all it is. I was fine last night being with my girlfriends and watching Sherlock Holmes. But tonight it's like the complete opposite. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again and I'm sick of it. I'm truly sick of it.


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I love my Bishopric...

I just got out of a meeting with my Bishop of my college ward. Just to check up on me & see if I'm doin okay. We talked about how I was doing, boys & how they're confusing, finances, school and just life in general. I don't think I've had this great of a Bishopric in my entire college career.

:) I really do love it out here.


Friday, October 8, 2010

This, in a nutshell, is what I'm feelin like tonight

Time stands still,
Pictures fade to black
Feelin' the chill,
That went tearing up my back.
Running scared.
The pavement moves so quickly.
I know that you must agree,
The dream of possibility of you and me
Is slipping through my fingers.
So I sing this song for you,
My heart's like a clown in a circus,
Forever I'll be, trapped in this crazy condition of desperation.
You're oh such a sweet sensation.

Yes this is from a Mormon movie, but the song is actually pretty legit. And it sums up what I've been feeling tonight. I'm sick--nothing too serious, just a cough & constant sneezing as well as a stuffed up nose due to crying-- but it's enough to wear me down to a point where I feel completely helpless & hopeless.

It's a Friday night. Curfew isn't until 1. I should be out doing stuff right? Going on dates with cute boys & just forgetting about life for a little while right? Well I'm not. I'm stuck at home. Alone. With nothing but movies, music & Ghiradelli brownies to keep me company. Most of my guy friends are either with family, out of town or doin stuff with their hoes. Most if not all of my girlfriends are on dates. And I'm happy for them. I really am. This is the first weekend that I've had no one to do stuff with, and considering, it's not that big of a deal, nor is it putting a damper on my semester in the least. It's just one Friday night. So why am I having a breakdown? Why is it so hard for me to be by myself for a single evening? Why have I relied so heavily on other people distracting me & being with me? I hate being alone. Sometimes, for an hour or two, it's nice. And I don't mind it. But if it's more than that, it's bad. It's more time for me to think too much, to over-analyze, to think about my life negatively.

My life isn't bad. Not at all to say the least. But I'm not completely happy yet. I thought I was, but tonight has proved that I'm still off. I'm not myself yet. I'm getting there, I think. I'm better than I was 5 weeks ago. But I'm not quite there yet.

I want to feel whole again. I don't like feeling broken. I don't like feeling like something's missing. I don't like feeling like I've given pieces of myself away that I haven't gotten back yet. I don't like feeling abandoned. I hate feeling like I get too attached too quickly.

Now I just feel like I'm rambling. Maybe a blessing will help again. It helped last time. I think I may go to my FHE bros tomorrow or Sunday and ask for a blessing. I can't afford to be feeling like this for much longer or it's gonna kill me. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of "relapsing." Some days I'm fine. But other days something is triggered and I crumble. It's probably especially acute because I really have no one to confide in at the moment. At least, no one I want to confide in.

I'm sure things'll be better after tomorrow. Though right now it doesn't feel like it.


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The quest for the holy grail!

"Camelot!" "Camelot!" "Camelot!" "It's only a model..." "SH!"
"Good idea oh Lord!" "Course it's a good idea!"

Haha, so I'm sure you're all wondering... what is my holy grail that I have journeyed on a quest for? Well, let me show you!

TA DA!!!!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen... it took me 21 years to find my holy grail. The Beauty and the Beast Special Edition fresh out of the Disney vault this day, October 5, 2010.

So, you're probably not surprised to find out that this is by far, my favorite Disney movie & more than likely my favorite movie of ALL TIME. Seriously, is there anything wrong with this movie at all?! Ya got a beautiful but SMART & WITTY & IMPERFECT princess who wants more than just to marry a prince charming. Ya got amazing music with lyrics to match, ya got incredible comedy "And, as I always say. If it's not Baroque don't fix it! Haha!" ya got Angela Lansbury, ya got a moral lesson "don't judge a book by its cover" and ya got an Academy Award winner!

*Sigh* And yes. If you must know I still have a fatty crush on the Beast when he turns into a human. So sue me. I guarantee you that ya'll have crushes on prince Eric or Aladdin or for you guys out there, Ariel or Jasmine (the skanks)! haha!

So yes. Just in case you all were wondering if I have found the Grail on my crusade, ("What did you find dad?" "...Illumination" haha love Indiana Jones!) I definitely have! You may go in peace :)


Friday, October 1, 2010

This is not the end, this is not the beginning

So, recently I was introduced to the new Linkin Park song from their A Thousand Suns album that came out called "Waiting for the End."

Of course, I always liked Linkin Park. Ever since high school I've liked them as well as some darker bands like Breaking Benjamin, Disturbed, Muse, etc. But this new album, especially this new song, is so different from everything else they've produced & I've found that this song applies to my life perfectly to a T. My favorite part of the lyrics is when he says, "All caught up in the eye of the storm. And trying to figure out what it's like moving on. And I don't even know what kind of things I've said. My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead. So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin? The hardest part of ending is starting again."

How true is that? The hardest part of ending is starting again. That's the worst and best part. I hate feeling left behind, I hate feeling like I've lost a part of myself. But I love the rush of something new, and I love the chance to adapt or change and feel renewed.

I've been listening to this song on repeat for the past few days because every time I feel like I'm going down into a slump, I blast that in my car as I go on a drive and I instantly feel better about my life.

I didn't include the entire song here, but just the segments that I love the most.

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
Thats invisible there,
Cuz we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all dissapear.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so...

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got...


Monday, September 20, 2010

Just waiting for my golden ticket

There's something so profoundly special about children's movies that just makes me look at life a little clearer, a little better.

I was feeling particularly small & insignificant the other night and decided to put in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (not the one with Johnny Depp. The original with Gene Wilder.) I couldn't help but start thinking about Charlie & the golden tickets. I started kinda comparing myself to him-- he wants it so badly, a ticket into a world that he only dreams of entering, while he watches as other people get those opportunities, and some of them may or may not deserve it.

But he wishes, he pines, he hopes against hope and keeps his faith through out the entire ordeal, as one by one other people find the golden tickets. Until finally, one day, when it seems like all hope is gone, that he missed his chance, he finds one. He never really lost faith, but he came so close to it until he got it at the last minute.

A cheesy analogy I know. I mean, it is a kid's movie, and on top of that a 70s kid's movie. But I couldn't help but draw parallels between my life and Charlie's life. I feel lately as if everyone is winning these golden tickets and I'm still searching for mine. I feel just like Charlie when he tells Grandpa Joe that he wants it more than anybody else does. But after one, two, three and four let downs, he finally gets it. He finally gets that golden ticket.

I know one day I'll get my golden ticket. But it may take three or four let downs to finally get it. And even though Charlie believes for a moment that there aren't anymore, he still buys a Wonka bar. In spite of the fact that everyone is saying there's no more left in the world. He still has that small bit of faith to spend his last few cents of the week to see if there's just a little bit of gold surrounding that chocolate.

Yeah yeah. It's corny I know. But I've found so much comfort in that movie, because in the end, after so many disappointments, after so many struggles, he finally gets what he wants, what he deserves.

I can only hope that I can be like Charlie and even when it seems like all is lost, I'll find that golden ticket.

Chew me out for being totally corny if you'd like haha. After comparing my life to Charlie Bucket I kinda deserve it, but I hope my point gets across.

Cheer up Charlie
Give me a smile
What happened to that smile I used to know?
Don't you know your grin has always been my sunshine
Let that sunshine show
Come on Charlie
No need to frown
Deep down you know the world is still your toy
When the world gets heavy
Never pit-a-pat 'em
Up and at 'em boy
Someday, sweet as a song
Charlie's lucky day will come along
Till that day you've gotta stay in strong Charlie
Up on top is right where you belong
Look up Charlie
You'll see a star
Just follow it and keep your dream in view
Pretty soon the sky is gonna clear up Charlie
Cheer up Charlie do
Cheer up Charlie
Just be glad you're you


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Keeping your eyes on the prize...

So I'm sure it would be redundant of me to state that this week has put the suck in sucky, however as strange as it sounds, I'm grateful for every day of it.

I never thought that I'd live to hear me say that I am actually grateful for trials and adversity, but I think the reason why I do is because of two reasons.

1.) It makes me feel so human. The human, mortal existence is really incredible. I just finished reading The Giver by Lois Lowry for the third time for my YA lit class, & suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude. Even for pain, misery & despair that creeps into our lives at times. Or in my case, smacks me upside the head with a two by four. I just keep thinking of that Garth Brooks song, The Dance.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

This song is more fitting than any song I know. I'm glad I didn't know what would happen. I could have missed all this pain, all this heartache, all this anguish. But I wouldn't trade a single moment, a single happy memory that I've had the past 3 months for this despair & adversity that I'm going through right now. Including that beautiful dance. I can honestly say I haven't been that happy ever before in my life. And I thank my lucky stars every night that I was able to have all of those spectacular moments where I felt complete. Where I felt right. Where I felt at peace with everything.

And 2.) I've learned to rely on more people than just myself. I suffer from the delusion that I have to face all of my trials and problems on my own & I've found through out this experience that there are so many people that are more than willing to lend a hand, an arm, a leg or any other extremity in order to help me in any small way. My testimony of Priesthood blessings has been strengthened substantially. Even though I didn't exactly feel better about life afterwards, I do feel the love of not only all my friends, family & loved ones, but my Father in Heaven & my Savior.

I do know that everything will work out. As far as when that'll happen and if it'll be what I want, I don't know. But what I do know is that I'm not willing to lose what I have now because of something that I want desperately that may or may not be the right thing. I'll take whatever I can get at this point. And I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world or in the world to come.


Thank you for still being in my life.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Something to relate to my life

So I always loved this. And I'm kinda goin through all of them at the same time, but every time I watch this I feel a little bit better. Enjoy classic Adult Swim: 5 Stages of Loss. :)


Thursday, September 9, 2010

The difference between what I want...

& what God wants.

That's what I've been struggling with for the past 2 days. I would be lying if I didn't say my testimony hasn't been rocked substantially. I know it sounds stupid & childish and very very trite, but this past week has been the worst week of my life in the past 8 years. I haven't felt this bad since the day my dad died.

Not that I blame anybody at all. I couldn't. It was no one's fault. No one at all.

I understand it. I really do. I can honestly say that I completely get it. It was the right thing to do.

I guess what I don't comprehend is how something that made me so happy. So whole. So complete. So good, could be wrong?

Don't get me wrong, my head is definitely on top of things. My mind keeps telling me all of these practical, rational things but my heart just isn't listening. Probably the worst part is the whole, "knowing it's wrong thing" but wanting it just as badly. In fact, I think I want it even more because it's no longer mine.

I said something so horrible the other night when it happened too. But a part of me believes it. Sometimes I feel like just when I start to rely on men, I start to depend on them completely, lean on them fully, and trust them implicitly, they're taken away from me. Whether it's their choice or not, they always leave. They're there one day, and gone the next. That's what I've felt like for the past 2 days. That God has taken away one of my only sources of happiness in this world.

I've become more reckless lately. Not too bad, not saying I go cliff jumping or that I'm acting like insanely stupid Kristen Stewart in Twilight. (the only thing I've done is just not wear a seat belt haha) But I just don't care anymore. I honestly don't. I don't even care enough to eat (which is strange, because that's usually when I find my solace is in food. I seriously could never be anorexic). I don't even care enough to get out of bed.

It sounds pathetic. I hate sounding pathetic. I hate being vulnerable. I hate not having power of my emotions, over my feelings. (that sounds so gay to say right now) I hate being completely and totally out of control. I've always tried to be the strong one.

But I definitely don't feel very strong right now. I feel about 2 centimeters tall. I feel like I'm worth about 2 cents as well.

Like I said, I know it's no one's fault. I'm probably the most understanding person I know. And I would rather sacrifice my own happiness for the rest of forever as long as I was making another person I cared about happy. That would be a satisfying life for me. I'd be anything. Do anything. Say anything. But I suppose it's not meant to be.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do

I miss you...


Sunday, September 5, 2010

Sunday ponderings

Do you ever feel like your life is kind of stuck in first gear? That you just can't quite shift it to the speed you wanna be going in?

For some reason I've had that feeling all day today & I'm not entirely sure why. I'm not unhappy, per say. Just kind of thinking about all the things that I want in my life, & not exactly sure when those things are gonna come to pass. I feel like everyone else that I know is getting Ferrari's, Porsche's, Lambo's etc. and I'm still stuck in a Honda. Everyone else is upgrading to something better, something nicer, & I'm still driving my P.O.S because I can't quite get there.

Obviously, this is a metaphorical sense, none of my friends are ACTUALLY getting Ferrari's (if they did, this blog post would be all about how I was gonna be sitting in one right now!) but I hope my point is coming across.

Is this even making sense? I'm not sure. All I know is that there is something missing in my life, and I honestly don't fully know what it is. Maybe it has something to do with being single, but I don't really think it is. It's something more than that.

I keep thinking of that Sugarland song, Something More.

There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Five years and there's no doubt
That I'm burnt out, I've had enough
So now boss man, here's my two weeks
I'll make it short and sweet, so listen up
I could work my life away, but why?
I got things to do before die

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best belive that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more

I really am burnt out already. Even though this 7 week break has been a good one, making money, Cailey & Stuart's wedding & seeing my boy in Boise, I really feel like I haven't had more than a day or two to rest and relax. This next semester is gonna be the toughest yet, because of the number of credits I'm taking, my new (wonderful) job, and the social responsibilities I have. I guess I just wish I could have a bit more of a break. I'm only really going to have two days before school starts to regroup and catch up with old friends, and that's even gonna be a long shot.

I suppose I'm just having mixed feelings about my life. I'm both happy and sad, at peace and fearful, confident and unsure. I'm not sure how I managed those bundle of emotions, but I'm a woman so there ya have it.

I think what I need now is a bit more perspective. So come this next semester, I'm gonna make it a point to go to the temple at least once a week, have at least an hour of no homework or friends or boyfriends and just sit on a bench in front of an Idaho wheat field and think. Write down my feelings as their coming to me and pay closer attention to what the Spirit is telling me about the things in my life I have to change. Because I know there's SO much I need to fix. I need to be better about maybe not listening to certain 3Oh3! songs (though I love all of them dearly) maybe cut out a few of my beloved rated R movies (as hard as that's gonna be because some of my favorites are actually rated R), and maybe watch my language and my dirty jokes (at least in front of the boy. because let's face it, my family is a huge fan of the raucous laughter that I love so much).

My Sunday school teacher today mentioned that you marry the person that you are. And I feel like, although I don't want to be with a person who is perfect (I enjoy imperfection a little too much) I do know that there are certain aspects of myself that are not quite up to par with being a good wife & mother. I've got a lot of them down pat, but some of those things need some tweaking.

I've never been one to make goals (let's be honest, I'm as lazy as they come & I tend to scoff at New Year's resolutions) but for some reason, I feel like someone is telling me that my life is about to change, and that in order to prepare for whatever it is that's coming, I myself need to change & adapt.

Anyways, just something I'm thinking about recently. Like I said, I'm not sad. Just really pensive (damn I was going for thoughtful! haha I love that movie.)

Peace out!


Thursday, September 2, 2010

Wow... just wow....

That is all I can say at this moment. I should probably back track a little.

So yesterday there were 2 job postings for English TA jobs & I applied for both of them. Almost instantaneously I get responses for both teachers & on the same day 2 interviews with both of them! I went to the first one & got it right off the bat with this way cool young professor who seems VERY laid back and super chill.

Unfortunately I had to also go to the second one & tell him I was no longer interested which kinda sucks for me because I HATE saying no to people & I ESPECIALLY HATE it when it deals with a job! But he was very nice, very amiable and congratulated me. I'm just so happy right now I could just spit! (I just love To Wong Foo! haha) & almost just as much, I know the second TA job is gonna go to another kid who really needs it, so I'm even grateful for that! That I was able to freely give that job to someone else who's struggling just like me.

So yeah, needless to say I am SO stoked! Not only does he seem like an amazing teacher, easy to talk to & easily relatable, the job description looks like a piece of cake! I have never whitnessed so many blessings within a single month--or within a single week!

Yeah... all in all, despite my bitching & complaining, it's been a good 7 week break :) & I am never EVER gonna take jobs or other opportunities for granted ever again.


Excuse me while I whip this out...

Haha pardon my Blazing Saddles reference, I've been watching that classic Mel Brooks film religiously this past break because it's the ONLY movie that makes me laugh hysterically every time.

So I decided, after listening to a radio station that my boss puts on at work to make a list of my top 5 LEAST favorite songs...

5.) Soak Up The Sun by Cheryl Crow. I'm terribly sorry if this deeply offends anyone who likes this song. I have nothing against Cheryl Crow, merely this repeating 5 notes & her waa waa waaing "Maybe blah blah blah Maybe blah blah blah Maybe blah blah blah I'm a dirty tramp." I cannot STAND songs that are static & have no real depth/ have the same damn keys OVER & OVER & OVER AGAIN. That is why I cannot stand that song. Sorry Cheryl.

4.) OMG by Usher. Okay Usher. We get it. Every time you see this broad you wanna say "Oh." Alright we got it the FIRST TEN THOUSAND TIMES you said the exlamation "Oh." Yeah right. You like her a lot. We GOT it. Thanks. Say "Oh" ONE MORE TIME!

3.) Dont Wanna Miss a Thing by Aerosmith. No I'm not sure WHY I hate this song. Maybe because it reminds me of my horrible prom. But nonetheless this is not one of my favorite Aerosmith songs. They've done infinitely better things in their hey-day.

2.) Eenie Meenie by Justin Beiber. Do I even have to begin my dislike of this song? Wth kinda talent does it require to right a song based off a repeating line in a child's nursery rhyme? Way to go music industry. Way to go.

1.) Whattya Want from Me by Adam Lambert. Nothing. I don't want ANYTHING from your weird Lady-Gaga-wannabe-making-out-with-a-piano-keyboard self. I also don't want your stupid song stuck in my head after one line.

Any other songs that just get under your skin & make you wanna gouge your eyes out? Haha or maybe just annoy you or don't make sense? Let me hear your top 5 or top 10!


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Money money money money...

I always knew that the world revolved around money. I just never thought that I would come to a point where that's all I think about. Is my paycheck going to be enough to cover rent? Is my FAFSA going to get in on time? Is it going to be enough?

Heavenly Father blessed me more than I could possibly explain. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get a job after the semester in order to replenish some of the expenses that I've had to pay, namely my car, my trip to GA & NC, food, phone bills etc. And on the last day of the semester when I thought all hope was gone, I get an email from my recent boss, Tracey requesting me to start on the Tuesday following the end of the semester. Not a moment too soon, I tell you. Instantly I hit my knees & thanked him profusely.

This time I'm praying for His help again even more than ever. I now know what it's like to constantly be wondering if the next paycheck will pay rent as well as get me some decent meals. I'll never take a job for granted ever again.

It really has been a learning as well as a growing experience. I'm more wary of what I spend, more frugal in the things I buy & more watchful of my bank accounts. This was a lesson that needed to happen especially as a single adult. I'm grateful for it, but I wish I didn't have to learn it. I'm fine, financially, or at least I will be soon. Just reminiscing that's all.


Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Unnecessary Stressing

I am notorious for being a worrier. I get it from my mom so I think it's genetic. Anything from money to the future to boys to when the hell am I gonna graduate. It all piles up on itself until one day I just have a nervous breakdown. Realizing that this isn't healthy I decided to maybe vent a little on this blog & hopefully, this might help lessen the build up of unnecessary stress.

First off, the thing I've been worrying a lot lately is my future. My future as far as getting married, my future with my career, my future with my dreams, my future job, even where I'm gonna be living after I graduate. All of these deal with my future after BYU-Idaho. There's a part of me that's honestly gonna miss it up here in Rexburg. Despite the horrid winters, the almost claustrophobic small town situation, and the stereotypes that always accompany a community or school that has a high population of mormons, I really will miss it up here after I graduate. My middle & high school experiences were total jokes. I hated every waking minute of them both. If I could find a way to erase all of the damaging experiences inflicted on me in high school & middle school I would. College was the first place where I actually found out who I was & was finally happy with myself both physically and spiritually. I tend to refer to my high school experience as "The Dark Ages" of my life. Likewise, College was the Renaissance or the Enlightenment period for me. I grew as an individual in confidence, self-assurance & happiness as well as a daughter of God. So that's just one of the things that I've been thinking about.

Another issue, concerning my future, is my future spouse, my eternal companion. This is a very touchy & sensitive subject with me & I try to avoid it at all costs, but it is something that is constantly plaguing my mind. Right now I am dating someone. A very amazing, charming, wonderful, funny, rugged, strong, spiritual, ambitious, patient, kind someone & I'm very lucky to have him in my life to finally teach me what it's like to actually be in a POSITIVE & HEALTHY relationship. The past several relationship (minus the most recent) have been very unhealthy, very negative relationships and even though I have come to a point where I do forgive the men that damaged me, I still have the scars that remain ever present on my conscious. It has been about 2 years since these relationships have occurred (all 3 back to back) but I still even to this day see the effects that they have on me today. I shy away from sharing what's bothering me because I'm afraid of getting yelled at, getting brushed under the rug, or just not even being heard at all. All of which has happened to me before. I still to this day get terribly afraid that one day there'll be an argument or disagreement or even a slight difference of opinion and he'll walk out slamming the door & never come back again. I still fear that one day I'll wake up & no longer be wanted anymore--no longer be cared about.

However, with this most recent development with this new man in my life, I'm learning everyday that there are a few good guys left on this planet & that I can actually date the guys who are whole, who don't need any fixing or convincing. This man in my life right now has an amazing testimony, a great sense of humor, a wonderful ambition to be successful in all his pursuits, an incredibly patient disposition which is probably my most important quality that I look for in a man. Thus far, things are good & are continually getting better. I hope & pray everyday to know with a certainty about my future & who it involves & I can only continue doing so until I get an answer. All I can do as of right now is just keep the faith! :)

That's about it for now. Thoughts? Suggestions? Whatever ya wanna say!


Late night musings...

Well I don't wanna go to bed. Last night I had a terrible time falling asleep with so many things on my mind both good & bad that I figure purging them all here might help me get some sleep tonight. If none of this makes sense I apologize in advance haha.

This past weekend has been a very busy one. I started off my weekend going to Broulims & ended up in the Madison County Hospital... needless to say not a very good start to my Saturday. But it was a lesson well learned & I've learned a lot from both being in an ambulance & sitting in a hospital room. No biggie, I'm totally fine now, but it's just kinda fun to reminisce & look back on the experience. I suppose I should give some background as to why I ended up there in the first place.

I had a few fainting spells about 2 weeks ago which I shrugged off because I thought it was just because I wasn't eating enough. (I have a high metabolism so if I even skip breakfast by 11:00 I'm in trouble) This time, however, it was a bit different considering it was due to *cough cough* feminine issues... yeah anyways, I decided to drive to get some medicine for that little problem (men be glad you don't have to deal with this) and started immediately feeling horrible when I was at the light across the street from Broulim's. Blackness gathered at the corners of my eyes & I said several prayers out loud begging Heavenly Father to get me to the parking lot so I don't get into a wreck which luckily I did. I laid down in my car feeling worse & worse and finally decided to try walking into Broulims. If I could just make it to a bathroom I'll be fine, I kept thinking. No such luck! I started getting more nauseous and dizzy until finally several times I nearly fainted in the parking lot outside of the store. People came up to me asking if I was okay & I kept saying over and over I'm fine I just need to get to a bathroom. Well, I ended up passing out just inside by the carts...

Next thing I knew they were calling the ambulance and the first thing that went through my mind was "Oh shit... how am I going to pay for this?" haha, then I see EMT's everywhere asking if I was okay, what are my symptoms, do I have any medical history etc etc. Well I end up throwing up twice & then after that an IV stuck up in me on my way to the hospital. I wasn't about to go, but I knew my mom would kill me if she found out I refused so I finally gave in & went. I'm sure I don't need to explain my extreme displeasure in being at a hospital... especially with my family history with hospitals & doctors. Needless to say I start feeling anxious and uncontrollably start shaking. This is where my lessons come in...

First off, Ambulance people (EMTs etc) are way cooler than nurses/doctors etc. They were joking around with me & asking me questions about my life & seemed genuinely concerned about me the entire time. They even offered to get me a blanket when I was safe & sound in the room at the hospital & jokingly told the nurse that I liked them better than her :)

Second off, it definitely SUCKS when you're alone in a hospital room where all your loved ones & friends are miles & miles away from you. Well the first person I call is Chris, naturally, & tell him what went down. He definitely was a lot easier to talk to than my mom & didn't freak out (probably because he knew I was being taken care of whereas when I passed out at work, I wasn't around people who knew how to take care of me). I never realized how much I missed him until I heard his voice & immediately all I want is for my hand to be held by him, so another lesson to be learned is that, if you must pass out/be taken to the hospital, make sure you happen to do it with people around to take care of you :) just if you can of course haha

And thirdly, you are definitely overreacting when a nurse asks if you have a living will as one of the "mandatory questions" they ask. Right when she said that I replied, "Do you know something I don't? Should I? This is definitely the time to make sure I leave Audra all my clothes & jewelry..." turns out though, it's just a standard procedure. Just fyi.

Well that was my little adventure this past weekend! Sorry if this is new to anyone, I did post it on facebook for a while, but like I said, it's not a big deal at all because I'm fine now :) No harm done!


So I guess it had been too long since I logged in here...

And therefore the blogger people kicked me off! Well ya can't get rid of me that easy! So I decided to write a new blog & be a little better about keeping up with it. I am always so jealous when I see my sister, mom & friend's blogs all cooler than mine with hundreds of entries compared to my lame blog that has a generic template with 4 entries all months apart. So here are some things that I'm gonna try doing better come this semester:

1. Work out more (even though Jillian Michaels will definitely be the death of me. I sometimes have nightmares of her coming out of the T.V. & mauling me because I haven't done her 40 minute work out)
2. Be better at being clean & organized (to a lot of you this doesn't come as a shock at all. You merely have to peek through my car windows and BLAM-O, you see a complete disaster.)
3. Not stress out about so many things. (My poor boyfriend must ram his head against the wall every time I have a minor freak out.)
4. Do better managing my money (be smarter about buying cheap but good food since that's mostly what I spend my money on! I'm a weird girl... no shoes or clothes or purses or any of that crap. Just food haha)

Well there you have it! My Fall Semester resolution. We'll see how long this lasts... haha.


xoxo Mega-Mega