Friday, October 8, 2010

This, in a nutshell, is what I'm feelin like tonight

Time stands still,
Pictures fade to black
Feelin' the chill,
That went tearing up my back.
Running scared.
The pavement moves so quickly.
I know that you must agree,
The dream of possibility of you and me
Is slipping through my fingers.
So I sing this song for you,
My heart's like a clown in a circus,
Forever I'll be, trapped in this crazy condition of desperation.
You're oh such a sweet sensation.

Yes this is from a Mormon movie, but the song is actually pretty legit. And it sums up what I've been feeling tonight. I'm sick--nothing too serious, just a cough & constant sneezing as well as a stuffed up nose due to crying-- but it's enough to wear me down to a point where I feel completely helpless & hopeless.

It's a Friday night. Curfew isn't until 1. I should be out doing stuff right? Going on dates with cute boys & just forgetting about life for a little while right? Well I'm not. I'm stuck at home. Alone. With nothing but movies, music & Ghiradelli brownies to keep me company. Most of my guy friends are either with family, out of town or doin stuff with their hoes. Most if not all of my girlfriends are on dates. And I'm happy for them. I really am. This is the first weekend that I've had no one to do stuff with, and considering, it's not that big of a deal, nor is it putting a damper on my semester in the least. It's just one Friday night. So why am I having a breakdown? Why is it so hard for me to be by myself for a single evening? Why have I relied so heavily on other people distracting me & being with me? I hate being alone. Sometimes, for an hour or two, it's nice. And I don't mind it. But if it's more than that, it's bad. It's more time for me to think too much, to over-analyze, to think about my life negatively.

My life isn't bad. Not at all to say the least. But I'm not completely happy yet. I thought I was, but tonight has proved that I'm still off. I'm not myself yet. I'm getting there, I think. I'm better than I was 5 weeks ago. But I'm not quite there yet.

I want to feel whole again. I don't like feeling broken. I don't like feeling like something's missing. I don't like feeling like I've given pieces of myself away that I haven't gotten back yet. I don't like feeling abandoned. I hate feeling like I get too attached too quickly.

Now I just feel like I'm rambling. Maybe a blessing will help again. It helped last time. I think I may go to my FHE bros tomorrow or Sunday and ask for a blessing. I can't afford to be feeling like this for much longer or it's gonna kill me. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of "relapsing." Some days I'm fine. But other days something is triggered and I crumble. It's probably especially acute because I really have no one to confide in at the moment. At least, no one I want to confide in.

I'm sure things'll be better after tomorrow. Though right now it doesn't feel like it.


1 comment:

  1. I LOVE that song!! But don't forget the "self-portrait" song at the end of the movie, too. That's really what you're doing, sweetie, you're "starting over and over again to make this picture perfect".....

    And doin' a GREAT job!
    love you!