I am notorious for being a worrier. I get it from my mom so I think it's genetic. Anything from money to the future to boys to when the hell am I gonna graduate. It all piles up on itself until one day I just have a nervous breakdown. Realizing that this isn't healthy I decided to maybe vent a little on this blog & hopefully, this might help lessen the build up of unnecessary stress.
First off, the thing I've been worrying a lot lately is my future. My future as far as getting married, my future with my career, my future with my dreams, my future job, even where I'm gonna be living after I graduate. All of these deal with my future after BYU-Idaho. There's a part of me that's honestly gonna miss it up here in Rexburg. Despite the horrid winters, the almost claustrophobic small town situation, and the stereotypes that always accompany a community or school that has a high population of mormons, I really will miss it up here after I graduate. My middle & high school experiences were total jokes. I hated every waking minute of them both. If I could find a way to erase all of the damaging experiences inflicted on me in high school & middle school I would. College was the first place where I actually found out who I was & was finally happy with myself both physically and spiritually. I tend to refer to my high school experience as "The Dark Ages" of my life. Likewise, College was the Renaissance or the Enlightenment period for me. I grew as an individual in confidence, self-assurance & happiness as well as a daughter of God. So that's just one of the things that I've been thinking about.
Another issue, concerning my future, is my future spouse, my eternal companion. This is a very touchy & sensitive subject with me & I try to avoid it at all costs, but it is something that is constantly plaguing my mind. Right now I am dating someone. A very amazing, charming, wonderful, funny, rugged, strong, spiritual, ambitious, patient, kind someone & I'm very lucky to have him in my life to finally teach me what it's like to actually be in a POSITIVE & HEALTHY relationship. The past several relationship (minus the most recent) have been very unhealthy, very negative relationships and even though I have come to a point where I do forgive the men that damaged me, I still have the scars that remain ever present on my conscious. It has been about 2 years since these relationships have occurred (all 3 back to back) but I still even to this day see the effects that they have on me today. I shy away from sharing what's bothering me because I'm afraid of getting yelled at, getting brushed under the rug, or just not even being heard at all. All of which has happened to me before. I still to this day get terribly afraid that one day there'll be an argument or disagreement or even a slight difference of opinion and he'll walk out slamming the door & never come back again. I still fear that one day I'll wake up & no longer be wanted anymore--no longer be cared about.
However, with this most recent development with this new man in my life, I'm learning everyday that there are a few good guys left on this planet & that I can actually date the guys who are whole, who don't need any fixing or convincing. This man in my life right now has an amazing testimony, a great sense of humor, a wonderful ambition to be successful in all his pursuits, an incredibly patient disposition which is probably my most important quality that I look for in a man. Thus far, things are good & are continually getting better. I hope & pray everyday to know with a certainty about my future & who it involves & I can only continue doing so until I get an answer. All I can do as of right now is just keep the faith! :)
That's about it for now. Thoughts? Suggestions? Whatever ya wanna say!