Sunday, September 5, 2010

Sunday ponderings

Do you ever feel like your life is kind of stuck in first gear? That you just can't quite shift it to the speed you wanna be going in?

For some reason I've had that feeling all day today & I'm not entirely sure why. I'm not unhappy, per say. Just kind of thinking about all the things that I want in my life, & not exactly sure when those things are gonna come to pass. I feel like everyone else that I know is getting Ferrari's, Porsche's, Lambo's etc. and I'm still stuck in a Honda. Everyone else is upgrading to something better, something nicer, & I'm still driving my P.O.S because I can't quite get there.

Obviously, this is a metaphorical sense, none of my friends are ACTUALLY getting Ferrari's (if they did, this blog post would be all about how I was gonna be sitting in one right now!) but I hope my point is coming across.

Is this even making sense? I'm not sure. All I know is that there is something missing in my life, and I honestly don't fully know what it is. Maybe it has something to do with being single, but I don't really think it is. It's something more than that.

I keep thinking of that Sugarland song, Something More.

There's gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time
I need a little more bliss
I'm gonna take my chances
Taking a chance I might
Find what I'm looking for
There's gotta be something more

Five years and there's no doubt
That I'm burnt out, I've had enough
So now boss man, here's my two weeks
I'll make it short and sweet, so listen up
I could work my life away, but why?
I got things to do before die

Some believe in destiny, and some believe in fate
I believe that happiness is something we create
You best belive that I'm not gonna wait
'Cause there's gotta be something more

I really am burnt out already. Even though this 7 week break has been a good one, making money, Cailey & Stuart's wedding & seeing my boy in Boise, I really feel like I haven't had more than a day or two to rest and relax. This next semester is gonna be the toughest yet, because of the number of credits I'm taking, my new (wonderful) job, and the social responsibilities I have. I guess I just wish I could have a bit more of a break. I'm only really going to have two days before school starts to regroup and catch up with old friends, and that's even gonna be a long shot.

I suppose I'm just having mixed feelings about my life. I'm both happy and sad, at peace and fearful, confident and unsure. I'm not sure how I managed those bundle of emotions, but I'm a woman so there ya have it.

I think what I need now is a bit more perspective. So come this next semester, I'm gonna make it a point to go to the temple at least once a week, have at least an hour of no homework or friends or boyfriends and just sit on a bench in front of an Idaho wheat field and think. Write down my feelings as their coming to me and pay closer attention to what the Spirit is telling me about the things in my life I have to change. Because I know there's SO much I need to fix. I need to be better about maybe not listening to certain 3Oh3! songs (though I love all of them dearly) maybe cut out a few of my beloved rated R movies (as hard as that's gonna be because some of my favorites are actually rated R), and maybe watch my language and my dirty jokes (at least in front of the boy. because let's face it, my family is a huge fan of the raucous laughter that I love so much).

My Sunday school teacher today mentioned that you marry the person that you are. And I feel like, although I don't want to be with a person who is perfect (I enjoy imperfection a little too much) I do know that there are certain aspects of myself that are not quite up to par with being a good wife & mother. I've got a lot of them down pat, but some of those things need some tweaking.

I've never been one to make goals (let's be honest, I'm as lazy as they come & I tend to scoff at New Year's resolutions) but for some reason, I feel like someone is telling me that my life is about to change, and that in order to prepare for whatever it is that's coming, I myself need to change & adapt.

Anyways, just something I'm thinking about recently. Like I said, I'm not sad. Just really pensive (damn I was going for thoughtful! haha I love that movie.)

Peace out!



  1. Thinking is good. You're on the right track. Remember to never settle in your life, to search and find the right everything, because Heavenly Father has big plans for you. He will let you know the direction you should go if you let Him.

    I love ya girl!

  2. I know I'm older than dirt, but honey I promise you I remember feeling EXACTLY this way back before the earth cooled, when I was in college. It's perfectly and completely normal, and I think you're reacting to it just as you should.

    Just don't be too hard on yourself. And DO take time for yourself. A mental health day here and there is incredibly therapeutic!

    I think you're completely SPLENDID and you have SO many people (on both sides of the veil) that are pulling for you! HANG IN THERE!