& what God wants.
That's what I've been struggling with for the past 2 days. I would be lying if I didn't say my testimony hasn't been rocked substantially. I know it sounds stupid & childish and very very trite, but this past week has been the worst week of my life in the past 8 years. I haven't felt this bad since the day my dad died.
Not that I blame anybody at all. I couldn't. It was no one's fault. No one at all.
I understand it. I really do. I can honestly say that I completely get it. It was the right thing to do.
I guess what I don't comprehend is how something that made me so happy. So whole. So complete. So good, could be wrong?
Don't get me wrong, my head is definitely on top of things. My mind keeps telling me all of these practical, rational things but my heart just isn't listening. Probably the worst part is the whole, "knowing it's wrong thing" but wanting it just as badly. In fact, I think I want it even more because it's no longer mine.
I said something so horrible the other night when it happened too. But a part of me believes it. Sometimes I feel like just when I start to rely on men, I start to depend on them completely, lean on them fully, and trust them implicitly, they're taken away from me. Whether it's their choice or not, they always leave. They're there one day, and gone the next. That's what I've felt like for the past 2 days. That God has taken away one of my only sources of happiness in this world.
I've become more reckless lately. Not too bad, not saying I go cliff jumping or that I'm acting like insanely stupid Kristen Stewart in Twilight. (the only thing I've done is just not wear a seat belt haha) But I just don't care anymore. I honestly don't. I don't even care enough to eat (which is strange, because that's usually when I find my solace is in food. I seriously could never be anorexic). I don't even care enough to get out of bed.
It sounds pathetic. I hate sounding pathetic. I hate being vulnerable. I hate not having power of my emotions, over my feelings. (that sounds so gay to say right now) I hate being completely and totally out of control. I've always tried to be the strong one.
But I definitely don't feel very strong right now. I feel about 2 centimeters tall. I feel like I'm worth about 2 cents as well.
Like I said, I know it's no one's fault. I'm probably the most understanding person I know. And I would rather sacrifice my own happiness for the rest of forever as long as I was making another person I cared about happy. That would be a satisfying life for me. I'd be anything. Do anything. Say anything. But I suppose it's not meant to be.
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do
Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do
P.S.
I miss you...
xoxo
Mega-Mega
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