Monday, September 3, 2012

"And then if thou endure it well..."

So the past 2 weeks, more specifically, the past 2 months have definitely been the hardest since I left college.

I have never felt so alone and so trapped in a very long time. & it is probably of my own making, partly. There's no doubt that I've been exluding myself from certain people in my life, and trying to do everything myself.

To sum up everything that's happened, I'll be brief:
1.) A particular experience with a man put such an extremely bad taste in my mouth that ever since then, I've had absolutely no desire to date or even hang out with new guys. To spare you all the sticky, unpleasant details, my trust was betrayed probably the worst it's ever been betrayed this time around.
2.) I moved out of my old place which is a good thing, but the new place I'm in is a bit more expensive than I had anticipated, compounded with the fact that I'm not sure how I'm gonna like hanging out with kids younger than me & still in college. I really am done with that phase of my life. It was fun for a while, but I have no interest in hanging with any clique-ish, high maintenance, superficial appearance-oriented, Utah people, which seems to make up the majority of my ward.
3.) Certain huge financial hiccups have happened, including my car, making it almost impossible to make ends meet, in addition to the deposit & first month of rent that I had to shell out so I wouldn't be homeless.
4.) My stagnant job search, and the fact that I'm not making the amount of money I should with the experience and Bachelor's degree that I have.

All in all, it probably doesn't sound like too much to handle. I think what I'm most frustrated with is that I haven't really gotten a break. All of this has piled up & piled up & piled up all at once. & I really don't think I've "endured" my trials well, simply because I've been on the verge of tears for 4 weeks. This place, Provo, Utah has been rejecting me like a bad kidney transplant. I feel so out of place right now & the only place I do want to be is New York. It's been such a pressing need to get out there, and I really don't know why.

Either way, to finish up this post I'll simply say this: The only real good thing that I can see from this is that maybe there's something really good on the horizon. Whenever there has been such a huge period of extreme suffering and affliction, I know that's the Lord preparing me for something big. Something is about to break through for me, whether it's with my career, with my writing, or with my dating, I know that something is on its way to me. And that comforts me every time I sink lower and lower into the trap of self-pity. I do know that things will get better.

"There is help and happiness ahead. It will be alright in the end. Trust God & believe in good things to come."

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