Well, it's finally here. A new semester, a fresh start. Which means new worries, new stresses and new mental breakdowns. All I can really say is that my stomach is definitely the place where I put all my stress. I have had more upset stomachs this week than I have the past 5 years.
To start off my stress, I'm taking 15 credits, which I know doesn't sound like that much, but 3 of them are upper division English classes, as well as an Islamic Humanities course & Spanish Literature (the entire class is conducted in Spanish. Joy.) On top of that I have my T.A. job, which I love & wouldn't give up for the world, and then just on Friday I recently got another part time job on campus as a scenic artist in the drama building painting scenery for plays. Try all that, plus balancing church callings AND a social life AND downtime for myself.... well let's just say that it's gonna be a juggling experiment.
Needless to say, this is going to be the hardest semester yet as far as classes go. But I am grateful for that. The busier I am the less time I have to worry about things that I can't control. The busier I am the less depression I have. However, I can already feel my blood pressure rise and my anxiety is at an all time high.
I got a blessing today from one of my good guy friends. I didn't realize how much pressure and stress I had been under until he was standing behind me getting ready to place his hands on my head. I started crying even before the blessing started! But I am so grateful, so thankful to him for always being there for me. I know I can go to him and any number of my good friends and roommates for anything, which is what I'm really going to need this semester.
After the blessing, I did feel much better about my situation. I had been fearful all week, and finally broke down crying in my car last night because I was so worried about my future and so anxious about where my life was going, if I had accomplished anything at all and where I was going to end up in 5 years. I honestly thought I'd be in a different place by now, that I'd be farther along than I already am.
There's an unfair stigma that seems to arise in the Church about single females who graduate from college unmarried. Like we failed in some aspect, or we didn't "have enough faith" or didn't try hard enough, or that we just didn't want to get married in the first place. I cannot tell you how untrue those kind of attitudes are. I cannot tell you how many times I've put myself out there, made myself look presentable on a daily basis and attended all of my meetings faithfully, and yet at the end of every semester there is no ring on my left hand.
And I've finally come to a place in my life where I'm actually okay with that. It took several breakups, hours upon hours of blessings, and weeks of introspection to finally get to the point that I'm at right now. I was never happy being single. I always tied my dreams, hopes and happiness to a man that I was dating. And when the break up occurred, it nearly broke me up. But now I'm actually okay. I don't particularly enjoy being alone on Friday nights, or watching other couples walk happily around on the temple grounds, but it doesn't destroy me like it used to.
Now I may be eating my words by the end of next week, or if I happen to start dating someone and it ends like it usually does, I may be back to where I was before. But as of right now, I see a light at the end of this "single" tunnel. I know now, and I feel more sure than ever that things will work out the way they should. I want to be a wife more than anything. And eventually a mother. I can't express how much I want to give all the love and affection that I have to a person that I promise forever with. But I don't have that much control over it. And I'm not going to waste another sleepless night worrying about what's wrong with me and analyzing and picking myself apart over and over and over again to try to find out why it hasn't happened to me yet.
There's a great story by Shel Silverstein called The Missing Piece Meets the Big O. I encourage everyone to read it at some point or at least have it for when you have kids or nieces or nephews of your own. It's a great story about how you need to be able to stand on your own, and follow your own dreams instead of trying to fit yourself into someone else's.
So go on go on and break my heart
I'll be okay there's nothing you can do to me
That's ever gonna bury me
So go on go on and leave my love
Out on the street I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless fearless
If it's between love and losing
And to never have known the feeling I'd still side with love
And if I end up lonely at least I will be there knowing I believe in love
Go on go on and break my heart
I'll be okay I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless fearless
And right now, I am fearless.