Saturday, May 14, 2011

I just don't even know

Lately I have had tremendous feelings of being overwhelmed, confused and all around frustrated. As if school, work, church and photography side projects weren't enough to completely drown me, there are some other interesting contributers as well. Today I went to R mountain with a friend of mine and his roommates. I'm not sure why, there's no reason for it, but I was on the verge of tears the entire time. I have also been on the verge of tears for this entire week.


My life isn't bad. It's not perfect, but it's not bad. It's busy. It's complicated. But it's not bad. So why have I been feeling like I'm completely drowning? I can't seem to catch my breath. And it doesn't quite help that I've been having some strange and mixed feelings for the men in my life. I feel as if all the faculties of my soul have been poured out and nothings replenishing it. I try so hard to be a good person, to be nice to everyone (at least try to) and yet I feel as if from the people I rely on most, I don't quite get the same kind of reciprocation that I expect in return.

I don't ask for much, I don't think. Just a reassurance that I'll never be a burden, an obligation or a commodity. I ask for honesty, being completely upfront about everything. And lastly, I ask that I can come to you in my times of need & that you'll always be there. It won't take long. Just maybe a few minutes to get something off my chest and then have you hug me and tell me that everything that's going wrong in my life will be okay.

I ask that you don't toy with my emotions. I ask that you make it abundantly clear exactly what is going on at all times and that if something changes, you tell me as soon as it does.

Like the title of the post says, I just don't know. I hate not knowing. The unknown is my least favorite thing on this planet. But I feel like it's everywhere in my life right now.

I've been praying that the friends I've recently made would know I'm not usually a spaz/basketcase/flighty person. Because that's what I've been feeling recently. I feel like I haven't been myself. But the real problem is, do I even know who I really am? I thought I knew. I'm high strung, dramatic, emotionally driven, slightly eccentric, selfless, fiercely loyal, loving, easy-going and overall a nut job.

But is that really me? And how do I know if it's me when I act like it? I just don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

I'm not even sure what I'm saying. All that I know is, I'm confused. And I wish that I could spill my guts out to someone, but I honestly don't know who has time or who even wants to listen.

Mega Mega


  1. I saw the post on your Facebook for this. I randomly stumbled on it as I wasted a bit of life on my social network.

    Anyway, thought I'd stop to say....Amen. I hate those missing pieces in life too.

    Keep fighting the good fight my lovely friend. You are awesome.


  2. IMHO when the planets line up and we reach new peaks of stress levels, none us stay the same person we were the previous day or week. We all become someone different as we struggle to "put things back to normal". I don't think there's a magic solution here that works for everyone, but you're not alone in these frustrations for sure!

  3. You're absolutely not alone. And it could be that you're going through a transition, some kind of change in growing up. I've been feeling some of these feelings lately too. We're all just learning and growing - if you like how you are, don't stress it! If you don't, then you know how to act differently. Please don't be so hard on yourself - you are a remarkable woman and I'm so proud to call you sister. Just put your head down, get through this semester, and maybe some of these questions will answer themselves with time.

    I love you!!!

  4. Oh, Megs--if only you could read my journals from my BYU days. Someday, maybe I'll let you! :) You sound so very much like's uncanny. All I can tell you is this:
    1. Listen to Annike--she's spot on (as always)!
    2. For the past 22 years your path in life has, to one degree or another, been laid out for you by other people. You HAD to go to school for 12 years and graduate high school and your family expected you to go to (and finish) college. For the very first time in your life, the path you choose to take is ENTIRELY up to you. And that is TERRIFYING. It's also exciting, intoxicating, liberating, and fun, but your first emotion is usually going to be abject terror. So be nice to yourself!
    3. You've got REAL friends (and you know who they are) and family who love you more than you can imagine. Use us. Bounce your ideas off us. Vent your spleen whenever necessary. USE US! That's what we're here for.
    4. Know that it WILL sort itself all out and you WILL be happy. I promise.