Thursday, June 16, 2011

Fear vs. Faith

At this time in my life, I'm facing a number of uncertainties. I hardly need to delve into what those are, but in case you're new to my life, here are the main three.

1. I'm graduating. Another way of saying, "I'm scared as all get out about my life after BYU-Idaho." I've grown so accustomed to this school, to this way of life, to this routine... how on earth am I supposed to adapt to life outside of this campus? Do I even want to? There's no doubt I wanna get out of here. Rexburg holds little pleasures for me now, unless those include long winters, no activities, no food joints other than frozen yogurt, and eighteen and nineteen year old girls obsessed with getting married.

2. I'm jobless. After this semester, I won't be a TA for a kick-a English teacher or even have my awful, dead-end, maximum-hours-for-minimum-wage painting job that I despise more than lima beans. I know what I don't want, which my family members are aware of. I don't want to go back to Georgia. Nothing good happened for me there. Nothing good ever happened for me there except for a small handful of good friends. It was the state where my dad died, it was the state where I had to go to my inane, ridiculous and traumatic middle & high schools, it was the state where I was miserable working for Chick-fil-a and it was the state that I equate all of my awkward, embarrassing and senseless mistakes in my life. I want to move to Provo. I want to be around the friends that I've made who are also in Provo as well as be by family friends. & I've been praying about it often, but thus far I haven't received an answer yet. Which is also frustrating.

3.Then finally, there's the mother of all frustrations and uncertainties. I have no idea what in the world is going on in my romantic life. There are a few options out there.... (and by few I really only mean one, with a few random guys who appear interested in me) but what it all comes down to is this one simple fact. I'm scared. Scared of opening up. Scared of letting another man into my life. I told myself, and Heavenly Father that I want nothing to do with boys at all. "Just let me get through this semester alive & graduated." That was all I asked for. And now, all of a sudden, it's like he's teasing me. Laughing at me. Don't want any complications with boys Megan? Ha! Well, how bout this? And then wham-o. Another boy. Another complication. Why can't life be more like an 80's pop song? "I just can't fight this feeling any longer?" or "I need you tonight." or "White wedding." An REO Speedwagon or INXS or Billy Idol song. But I guess life never is easy. Even in the 80's. But I guess the gallons of hairspray, bleached hair and glitter eyeliner probably helped. I'm just so tired of this game. I'm 22. I've had plenty of experience dating and putting myself out there. And I'm just so completely done.

I'm not quite sure what the point of this blog is. Maybe it's just to vent. (And if you're family commenting, PLEASE for the love of all that is holy don't give me advice about the GA vs. UT thing okay?)

I just need a little direction, or at the least some clarification. Because everything in my life right now is uncertain.


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