Sometimes I feel as if I come so close to finding what it is that I'm looking for, whether it's a job or a future husband and yet when I take a second glance at it, whatever it is, when I start to look closely at it I realize it's only a shadow, a faint glimmer, a pale comparison of what it is I really want. What I really need.
This realization struck me as I got a text message from a boy I've had a crush on for almost a year. We sort of dated for a short season and then he proceeded to tell me he couldn't commit to me for some reason he couldn't tell. He's still a dear friend and I still care for him a great deal, but I've realized that every guy I've seriously or even cavalierly dated hasn't been good enough. I've been unsatisfied with each and every one of them. Why? Sure there have been people who have taught me things, shown me things, and have not treated me like dirt. But why is it I grow so weary of going on pointless dates with guys I can only describe as "skim milk?" No passion. No fire. No ambition. No flavor. No meat. Everything is "okay" or "good" or "alright." I'm sick of indifference. I'm sick of apathy. I'm sick of feeling nothing. Have a damn opinion about something for once in your life. Get pissed. Get frustrated. Swear. Get upset. Get goofy. Get sarcastic.
There have been so many jobs, so many locations, so many guys that have been prevalent in my life. So many things I've experienced. So many things have come and gone. And yet when all is said & done, I feel so unsatisfied. I feel so hungry. So empty.
I feel as if I get so close to what it is that I want. But at the end of the day, nothing is ever really good enough. Nothing has ever really held me fully.
And I'm getting really tired of it. I just want to feel completely content. Completely fulfilled. I want to feel as if I've accomplished something in every facet of my life.
Why is it that I feel like nothing is good enough in my life? Why do I want more of something? I don't even know what I want more of & that's half the problem.
I don't know if I'm making sense. All I know is that something has got to change. I'm sick of feeling like stagnant water. I need someone or something to challenge my thinking, my creativity, my world. Someone who'll rock the boat and frustrate me to no end but keeps giving me the encouragement to go on, to try more, to succeed. I need a muse. Or a cabana boy. One of the two.