Monday, January 7, 2013

Same Old Lang Syne

I hate winter, regardless of what month it is. I mean, let's face it, the only good thing about the winter is Christmas. But once Christmas is over, it's no longer a Winter Wonderland anymore.

It downright blows. Literally. The wind is bitter and biting, the ice is terrible and dangerous to drive on & it's almost painful to breathe at times because the air is so freaking cold.

But apart from all of this, January, wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for a glaringly obvious reason. To start off with, I came home last night to an apartment that was warm (for the first time in weeks) but to no water. A pipe had burst while I was at work from the cold (surprise, surprise) and now me and my roommate are without water. For 2 weeks.

In addition to this inconvenient disaster, I'm starting to lose faith in my future, in my career and in my personal life. Really the only thing I still have faith in, other than the Gospel, is my writing. I still feel like this novel I'm writing really is something special. I've lost faith in a few of my guy friends who I thought would always be there for me, & I've come to realize that a few of them only call and text me when they have nothing better to do, and not necessarily because they want to see how I'm really doing or hang out with me. Which is fine, I get it; if they're not gonna date me what's the point in keeping in contact with me? I completely and 100% understand their thinking. But the fact is, there's one huge reason why I depend on them, rely on them much more than any other person would.

The anniversary of my father's death is coming up in less than 2 weeks and it's dawned on me that this will be marker 12.

12 years. 12 years since I last saw my dad. It's even more ironic because that was the same age I was when he died. 2 months before my 13th birthday, which coincidentally, his birthday is the week before mine.

I shouldn't doubt as much as I do, but everything's changing. One of my good guy friend's is now engaged, one of 2 that I could always count on for anything, and while I'm so happy for him and so grateful that he's found someone who treats him right and who is genuinely in love with him, I realize that nothing will ever be the same again. And that happens, it's life. But it's dawned on me just how much I really do depend on my friends, particularly my guy friends, when it's probably not healthy to do so.

Sometimes I try to glean exactly why I miss Europe so much, really what I miss about Europe and I think I've narrowed it down to this: I was free, free from a lot of personal weight and baggage. I was so comfortable being out of my comfort zone. I loved the spontaneity of not knowing what to expect, but I think I especially loved not feel shackled to responsibilities, bills or relationships.

And now that this new year has started and everything's unclear, in combination with my dad's death, I feel helpless & lost. Both emotions I despise having let alone showing.

That's the main reason why the title of this newest blog is Same Old Lang Syne-- should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot and old lang syne?

Well, I'm not sure about that. What I am sure about is that I miss my childhood. I miss my innocent perception of the world. I miss trusting people unequivocally and irrepressibly  I miss my hopeless romantic fantasies I used to have when I'd watch Beauty & the Beast or the Princess Bride.

& especially I miss my dad.

No comments:

Post a Comment