Finding a Needle in a Haystack

Do you ever feel like sometimes you're grasping at straws? Like you're trying to find a needle in a haystack?

Sometimes I feel as if I come so close to finding what it is that I'm looking for, whether it's a job or a future husband and yet when I take a second glance at it, whatever it is, when I start to look closely at it I realize it's only a shadow, a faint glimmer, a pale comparison of what it is I really want. What I really need.

This realization struck me as I got a text message from a boy I've had a crush on for almost a year. We sort of dated for a short season and then he proceeded to tell me he couldn't commit to me for some reason he couldn't tell. He's still a dear friend and I still care for him a great deal, but I've realized that every guy I've seriously or even cavalierly dated hasn't been good enough. I've been unsatisfied with each and every one of them. Why? Sure there have been people who have taught me things, shown me things, and have not treated me like dirt. But why is it I grow so weary of going on pointless dates with guys I can only describe as "skim milk?" No passion. No fire. No ambition. No flavor. No meat. Everything is "okay" or "good" or "alright." I'm sick of indifference. I'm sick of apathy. I'm sick of feeling nothing. Have a damn opinion about something for once in your life. Get pissed. Get frustrated. Swear. Get upset. Get goofy. Get sarcastic. Do something! Have an emotion that isn't "okay" for crying out loud.


There have been so many jobs, so many locations, so many guys that have been prevalent in my life. So many things I've experienced. So many things have come and gone. And yet when all is said & done, I feel so unsatisfied. I feel so hungry. So empty.

I feel as if I get so close to what it is that I want. But at the end of the day, nothing is ever really good enough. Nothing has ever really held me fully.

And I'm getting really tired of it. I just want to feel completely content. Completely fulfilled. I want to feel as if I've accomplished something in every facet of my life.

Why is it that I feel like nothing is good enough in my life? Why do I want more of something? I don't even know what I want more of & that's half the problem.

I don't know if I'm making sense. All I know is that something has got to change. I'm sick of feeling like stagnant water. I need someone or something to challenge my thinking, my creativity, my world. Someone who'll rock the boat and frustrate me to no end but keeps giving me the encouragement to go on, to try more, to succeed. I need a muse. Or a cabana boy. One of the two.


xoxo
Megs

Fear vs Love

Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. - “The Old Astronomer” by Sarah Williams

Harry Potter

So I recognize that I'm a total nerd, already having blogged about JK Rowling. Several of my guy friends would be making gagging noises about this same time simply because they hate Harry Potter but I don't hold it against them. To each their own as they say haha. But I did want to pay homage to this book series & what it's done to enhance my childhood. Here's some of my favorite pictures I've found & quotes to remind me that there is always something worth fighting for.

Make up/Hair/Outfit ideas

I've always loved new ideas for different ways to do my make up & hair. Since my hair's getting longer & my style is always changing, I figured I'd post my favs for safe keeping :)

My Aspiration

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

You will never know yourself or the strength of your relationships until both have been tested by adversity.

Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts that is something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticized only by fools.

Rock bottom was the solid foundation on which I re-built my life.

Choosing to live in narrow spaces leads to form of mental agoraphobia and that brings its own terrors. I think the willfully unimaginative see more monsters, they are often more afraid. What is more, those who choose not to empathize enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude through our own apathy.

Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than I was and began diverting all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me.

Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.

It is our choices ... that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.

I have never been remotely ashamed of having been depressed. Never. What's to be ashamed of? I went through a really rough time and I am quite proud that I got out of that.

Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.

This is a woman I hope to some day become even remotely like. Both as a writer, as a woman and as a philanthropist. All of these quotes have given me hope and motivation to be better, and do more. You are my role-model Jo :)

xoxo
Megs

Best. Decade. Ever.

I have always been a huge admirer of some of the star-studded female actresses in the fifties and sixties. Recently I've been itching to implement some of their class & fashion for multiple reasons. Probably the top two reasons are these:

A. I absolutely adore Audrey Hepburn, Ingrid Bergman, Priscilla Lane, Katharine Hepburn etc. for their taste & their dignity.
B. I cannot stand the ever-present need in the fashion industry to dress as sluttily as possible & reveal everything your mother gave you.

That being said, I'm going to try to bring back the fashion that was amazing tasteful and classy from the fifties and sixties. Right down to the hairstyles & makeup. Here are some of my favorite styles:

What I want to say vs. What I really say

So, I've had a few ideas for what I want to write about next, and I think I may have hit a gold mine. I work with some.... special managers. One of them is absolutely amazing and could probably walk on water if she stepped into a body of water. The other three, two of them in particular, are the most selfish, money-grubbing, manipulative, dishonest, uneducated, narrow-minded bunch of greasy car selling bastards I've ever met in my entire life.

To kind of put this into a little perspective, at work we have a huge flat screen TV that is always set on ESPN or ESPN2 for the males that enter into our store. If they get tired of looking at diamonds and jewelry they inevitably make their way over to this TV that's always on. Now, it should come as no surprise to anyone that we have LOTS and lots of time where there's no one in the store at all. On a random Thursday afternoon when it's raining or snowing or everyone is out doing other things, there is literally nothing to do.

So, one day, after I've cleaned the glass displays for the fourth time, I decided that my time would be better spent reading my book, The Agony & the Ecstasy. (I would just like to mention, that the cover of this book consists of Michelangelo's The Creation of Adam & that my close-minded, ITALIAN general manager told me it was pornography..... I have nothing more to add to that other than, that comment's idiocy speaks for itself)

Anyways, I'm standing in my area, perfectly aware of everything going on but happily engaged in my book when I get chewed out for reading "on the floor."

Douche-bag Boss:"Megan, what if a customer walked in and saw you reading?"
Me:"Well _____, they'd probably think, 'I wonder what book it is she's reading.'"
Douche-bag Boss:"I can't have you reading on the floor, Megan."
Me:"Why ____? There's NOBODY here. And there's NOTHING to do."
Douche-bag Boss:"I know Megan but I just can't have you do that. What if the district manager walked in and saw you reading?"
Me:"I dunno _____, he probably wouldn't say a word to me. Every time I do something he doesn't like he never talks to me about it anyways. He just mentions it to you and you end up telling me anyways."

I would like to point out that when the majority of the managers are DOING NOTHING, where is it that they end up for the most part? That's right. THE DAMN TV THAT'S BLARING ESPN.

Now, I have nothing against TV or even SportsCenter. What I do have a problem with is the hypocrisy and bureaucracy that happens every single damn day at Jared, the Galleria of Tom Foolery. What the hell is the difference between silently reading a book in my repair corner as opposed to standing in front of a TV or texting on my phone?

I'll give you two hints.

A penis. And a bonus.

That's all.

Which gave me the idea of starting a little writing experiment. What you want to say to your boss versus what you actually end up saying to him. I'll post it at some point in the next few weeks as soon as I have a spare minute.

Get ready for an entertaining new look at the corporate ladder :)


Loves to all

xoxo
Mega-Mega