Self-Aware

I'm sure everyone has moments like this. Moments where they see themselves as something different than what they pictured. Moments where their perception of themselves have become skewed. They become "self-aware."

Before recently I never understood really what it meant when people talked about being "self-aware." I knew the definition of it, of course. I had read it thousands of times in books and poetry. But I never actually knew what it meant in regards to me and my life.

Someone close to me made me very much self-aware not 24 hours ago about the things I do and the way I act in my life.

I had always thought that I was a good, decent person. That my flaws and imperfections were things that I was aware of, things that I knew I had. I never imagined that there were things that I did wrong, things that I fell short on that I was not aware of. That thought never crossed my mind.

I knew the basics. My swearing problem. My impatience. My stinginess. My temper. My insecurity. But I never thought that I was capable of doing things, unconscious or not, that were not in my nature. I never thought that the things I spoke against on a daily basis, the things I swore I'd never be folly to, would be the very flaw I possessed myself. That thought never crossed my mind, not for a second.

And now I find myself in a very interesting situation. I am now the hypocrite. I am now the girl with that problem. I am now the issue.

I was accused of several things I always thought I'd never be capable of doing.
1. Stringing people along, or "playing the game" as it were. I always thought girls who did that to guys were despicable, shallow and emotionally stunted. Now I realize that whether conscious or unconscious, I have done that and up until fairly recently I am doing that. It both shocked, horrified and hurt me when I found this out. And then I started asking myself questions trying to figure out why, if I do this at all. Have all of my experiences with the douchebags I've dated, and especially the most recent ones here in Utah really hardened me and cast a cement compound around my heart where I've become just as superficial as the guys who hurt me? Just as cold and unfeeling as they are when they abandoned me? Was it that? I know I never was like this before, or was I? Does knowing someone likes you, not feeling for them like that but still keeping them in your company constitute as "stringing them along"? You don't kiss them, hold their hand or cuddle with them ever, but you still hang out with them every so often and go to movies with them and grab dinner with them. But that's it. Is that being a "player"? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Where does the line cross from just friends to being selfish and keeping them close to you just so you're not lonely? And what of the other way? What if I do feel for them so deeply, want them desperately in my life but end up not being 100% sure of them still being in my future? Do I continue seeing them just to see if things change, see if it's supposed to be, see if it's right? Or do I cut and run because I'm scared of hurting him or hurting myself or both?
2. Not being 100% genuine. I always thought I was good at being honest with myself and with others. But what if I'm not? I was asked by this person I care about "Who are you really? Where's the real Megan?" Well, how am I supposed to answer that? Hell if I know. I don't know who I am. I thought I did. I know who I want to be. I want to be a good, honest, loving person. I want to be true to myself and to other people. To not be fake and to not put on a mask. I want to be selfless. Compassionate. Affectionate. To put myself last. But I'm nowhere near being any of those things apparently. I'm 22. College graduate. European traveler. English Major. Aspiring Writer and Photographer. 5'10". Skinny. Unsure at times. But who am I really? The simple Reader's Digest version is simple. I just don't know. How is it that I can be at this age and have done as much as I have, seen as much as I've seen and yet not know this simple answer to a simple question. You'd think at this age I'd know by now.

So here it is. I'm a 22 year old, quasi-tramp, who doesn't know who she is, who strings people along because she's really selfish and who grapples at straws to try to salvage what she's damaged. There you have it.

I guess the one thing I can take away from this experience is to be wary of the things I do. To not just do what I do because that's what I've always done. The one thing I can remember is I can correct the mistakes I've made so they never hurt any one else.

I'm sure this is all just a product of my frustration and disappointment with the way my life is going right now, but I'm just gonna leave it at that. Good night.

xoxo
Mega-Mega

This song pretty much sums up my feelings:

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

Turning Tables

Let me just preface this post by saying lately I have become obsessed with Adele and incredibly impressed by her. Gobsmacked. Bewildered. Inspired.

I'm not quite sure why, but her latest album has rocked me to my core. She's not only got the most soulful, deep, powerful and rich voice I've ever heard in a woman, but her music & lyrics are phenomenal. My favorite song by her right now, apart from, Set Fire to the Rain, is Turning Tables. If I were to create a song that I thought applied to this season of my life, I couldn't come up with half the magic or half the talent that lies in this song by her.

Here are the lyrics:
Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't rescue, you to just desert me
I can't give you, the heart you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you, ooh
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe

So I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won't rescue, you to just desert me
I can't give you, the heart you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
Turning tables

Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

I won't let you close enough to hurt me, no
I won't rescue, you to just desert me
I can't give you, the heart you think you give me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Turning tables, yeah

Gorgeous. Full-figured. Real. Unique. Adele.
<3

Lessons I've learned the past 3 months

1.) Don't date your friends. I know you may think it's a good idea, and there's a .00001% chance that nothing bad will happen and that it will turn out just peachy. But trust me when I say, nothing is the same after the fall out that will inevitably happen. You or both of you will get hurt and there is no going back to way that things were.

2.) Don't believe a guy when he says that he'll "still be friends with you" after the break up. It never is. It never was. And it never will be. No matter how often he says "don't hesitate to call me" or "I'm always here for you" or "I'd be pissed if you were no longer in my life." He doesn't mean it. And if he does, he'll change his mind. And you'll be left without a boyfriend and without a best friend.

3.) Don't let a guy kiss you 3 days after you get dumped. You're vulnerable. You're torn. You're being put into an extremely dangerous, complicated and confusing situation that your heart doesn't need. It causes unnecessary stress and chances are, he's just moving in on you for a quickie and doesn't actually care about what a fragile state you're in at the moment. Because if he did, he would respect the need for you to heal before jumping into the torture chamber once more.

4.) Try not to dwell on painful things that have happened. You'll find yourself not eating, not sleeping and becoming very sullen, bitter and full of resentment towards the people that hurt you. Which doesn't help you and it's not like they know or care anyways.

5.) Fill your life with good things again. Remember those old dreams you tucked away into your drawer? Pull them out, shake off the dust that started accumulating on them and try again. The only way you're going to fail is by not even attempting to fail in the first place.

6.) Never settle. There will be jobs, careers, friends and boyfriends that walk in to your life frequently. Don't settle for a job you hate, don't strive for a career you don't love, don't settle for mediocre friends and don't put up with guys who don't treat you the same in every scenario. You're worth more, no matter what mistakes you've made. You are not you're mistakes.

7.) Even though it's hard to look in the mirror and even think this let alone say it, you are beautiful. And it's not because of anything anyone has ever said to you on the subject. The fact is, God does not do shotty craftsmanship. The only people capable of shotty craftsmanship, is people. There is nothing wrong with you. You have no physical defects. So stop worrying about what other people think of you. Remember, they are the ones who make garbage. Not God.

8.) Laugh again. It's been so long and it's all having to do with the fact that idiotic boys have screwed you over somehow. Laugh. It's okay. It will be okay. Pull out Tommy Boy, Hot Rod, National Lampoon & Airplane! again and just laugh. Be happy. I know it sucks now, but nothing cures unhappiness faster than slapstick humor. So laugh.

These were just a few lessons I've learned the past few months. In all honesty, I haven't learned them all, but I'm starting to get the hang of closure & being at peace with myself even after watching myself screw up as many times as I have. Beating myself up for things that I've done and the mistakes I've made has only caused me to have a low self-esteem and a lesser degree of self-worth. And those aren't exactly good things. The best thing, the most healthy thing I can do is just to log this away somewhere as a lesson and make sure that this doesn't happen again.

xoxo
Mega-Mega

Fix You

All I want to do is fix it. All I want is for things to be back to the way they were before things got complicated. All I want is for things to be as they once were. I just want to fix you & I don't know how.


Things were so great not a few months ago. Perfect. Immovable. Unchanging. Happy.

Now things are all kinds of effed up. And I can't seem to restore what once was, no matter how hard I try. To be honest I don't even know where to start. All I know is I haven't felt so worthless, miserable and so screwed up in a long time. It's all my fault. I've tried, but I've failed. Epic fail is an epic understatement.

I have no one to blame but myself. Every relationship I touch turns to rot.


Words to the wise: don't date your friends. It screws everything up & everyone involved inevitably gets hurt.

I got 99 problems but...

You know, I've always had a certain temperament when it comes to certain situations. I've spent my entire life doing things for other people, bending over backwards for others, sacrificing my own happiness to secure another's, and last but not least, making sure that I am in good standing with the people that surround me, apologizing for things that didn't need apologizing for. I've always been too afraid to say how I'm really feeling because someone inevitably makes me feel guilty when I'm justified in my thoughts. I've always been too much of a coward to advocate for myself.

But you know what, I've reached my breaking point. I'm out of ideas, patience and time. I don't know what else I should be doing to earn some sort of respect, but I'm done.

Let me extrapolate, first off: I'm done with medicore guys. I'm done with guys who profess to be my friend and then decide to be my friend when they want something from me, or more specifically, when they want action. I'm done with guys who say one thing, and behave completely differently the next day. Who put on a show of being a "nice decent guy" and then wind up being just as conniving, manipulative and hurtful as the previous dirtbag. I have been taken advantage of so many times, that if I had a penny for every time a guy used me, I'd have more than enough money to get my mother out of debt, AND get me & my family living the Bill Gates' lifestyle in a minute.

And 75% of the time, these situations are of my own making. I fall for it every single FREAKING time. I buy it hook, line & sinker. But you know what, at least I can say, with impunity & with all assurance, that I DON'T deserve this. That's one thing I've got goin for me. I don't care if I fall for the same dog & pony show every time, YOU should know better.

I am not your typical girl. I'm not an idiot, I'm not a cheap thrill & I'm NOT to be tossed aside. I have been shafted so many times over the past few months that it's amazing to me why I haven't blown up a building or been admitted to an insane asylum.

How dare you? How DARE you lead me to believe that you are some sort of martyr of the male sex, pulling out the victim card, leading me to feel sorry for your predicament and then wind up being just as hurtful & full of malice as the people you say have done the same thing to you in turn?

What did I do to deserve that? I'm fully aware of the mistakes I've made. Nobody is more aware of them than I am. No one goes to sleep at night tossing & turning and loathing the things that I've done more than me. But I'm trying to move on. I'm trying to change. And you're content in being in the exact same place as you were 2 years ago. You're more than happy in being alone, whereas I'd like a family. I'd like a home. I'd like a Christmas where both a mother AND a father are present. I'd like a bed that wasn't empty when I come home every night.

I'm so done. I'm so done with this. I have way too much love to give, way too much life to live, and way too much happiness to spend on another than to waste my time on someone who doesn't give a damn about me. I don't have to settle for someone who doesn't treat me like a human being. I don't have time to be with someone who messes with my head and plays mind games. I'm 22. I'm over this.

If you wanna be my friend, then step up to the plate. Mediocrity has no place in my life anymore. I'm raising the bar for the people I date & the people I surround myself with. If that's not kosher with you, well that's too damn bad.

I'm done with players.

I wash my hands of this.

Just a Kiss

Ya know, here's a little insight to the workings of the mind/heart of Megan Trijntje VerHoef.


When I kiss a guy, that sends a very powerful message. Not along the same lines as marriage, but enough of a powerful statement that's much more than "I like you, you're cool." I used to be very liberal with my kisses. I used to kiss any guy that showed interest in me.

However, over the recent year I've become very particular about the guys I kiss because every time I kiss a guy, I get attached inevitably. I'm not saying it's eternal, but I am saying there's a level of commitment and there's a certain special feeling that is shared from within me that I don't share with just any average Joe. At least not any more.

If you believe in love languages, it would probably be said that mine is physical touch, or more specifically, kissing. When I kiss someone, it runs much deeper. It means much more to me than hand holding or a "You're beautiful" or whatever else is spoken that's supposed to make me "swoon."

So when/if I kiss you do not take it lightly. I don't just kiss anybody. I kiss someone when I mean it. I kiss someone if I see it becoming official/ a relationship. I kiss someone I care about. I kiss someone that I share bits and pieces of my heart to.


I guess not everyone feels the same way I do.

On the heart

There's one monologue from a beloved movie of mine that is most applicable to my life right now. It's Sandra Bullock as Sally writing to her sister Gilly. & it's no matter where I'm at in life or where I'm going, I always seem to be feeling this exact same way.

"Dearest Gilly,
Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon."

I know it's not true, and I know it's just because I haven't found what it is I'm looking for yet, but often times I feel like Sally. I want to be seen. I don't want to go to bed each night wanting. And more often than not, there is only that moon at my side and no man. It won't last forever. I know it's just a temporary state. I know that this is all a learning experience for me & blah blah blah blah. I get it. But the fact is, good advice doesn't hold me at night. Nice thoughts and words of encouragement don't kiss me or hold my hand. That's all I'm saying. All my life I've just wanted someone to love me for who I am and never leave. I get half but not the other. I never get what I want completely and indefinitely. & my heart has been beaten almost too many times to where I'm afraid one day I'm just gonna give up and not want to fall in love.

I'm just sick of dating. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm sick of putting my heart through the ringer time & time again it not working out. This is more of me just venting. I'm fine, I'm just tired and my father would always say "Fatigue makes cowards of us all" so tonight I'm just being a coward. I'm afraid. & even though it won't last forever, I wonder when forever will actually start.

xoxo
Mega-Mega