Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I blame BYU-I, Mormon culture & my dad

What it all boils down to is I get attached too easily. I blame my dad for this. Having the most important male figure in my life taken away from me before puberty screwed me up more than I realized. I don't realize this on a day to day basis...Until I get dumped. Then my entire world falls apart. I break up. I crumble into a million little pieces and for weeks I'm not even remotely like myself. I become completely and totally immersed in this main guy in my life, give everything to him, try so hard to be a good girlfriend, then when he leaves, I'm a basketcase.

Then, I spend the next few weeks trying to reinvent myself, dye my hair, buy new clothes, reread my books, rewatch Beauty & the Beast. Then, I'm constantly reminded by people on campus who hold hands, pick out engagement rings, and NUMEROUS TALKS ABOUT FAMILY & DATING AT CHURCH AND DEVOTIONALS that remind me that I'm single. For this, I blame BYU-I and Mormon culture. The constant pressure to get married and start a family is everywhere. There's absolutely no escaping it.

I can't wait to graduate and get out of this place. BYU-I has been great for me. It's a terrific school and I've learned a lot spiritually, and mentally. I've grown as a person & my testimony has never been stronger. But I'm ready to get out of this place that reminds me that at 21, almost 22, I'm basically a spinster.



  1. Boy, can I relate. And I didn't go to an LDS school. But it was everywhere. I'm appalled now that some LDS joke about a man being 26 and a menace to society. It's infuriating. What really got me once, while in a singles ward at the tender age of 24 (oh, what I wouldn't give to be 24 again), some chick who was 18, never been to college, looked at me with pity and said she'd kill herself if she wasn't married by 20. Yes, the Mormon culture can be quite despicable sometimes.

  2. I hear ya, kid! That environment at BYU and BYU-I can be toxic to your self-esteem if you let it. You've just got to learn how to step back and laugh at it - because honestly, it's absurd and laughable to be worried about marriage at 21. And please, talk to this counselor about learning how to step back from it, cause that's one lesson I never learned - it would have been so much better if I had!
    It's like I said - you and I give 110% to the men in our lives, and that may or may not be because of losing dad. It's not always a bad thing, when it's the right guy - it's just that we do it with EVERY guy, and that IS a bad thing! And I hate to see you fall apart. I just want to come over there and give you a big squeeze!! It will all be ok!!