Friday, March 11, 2011

Why do I do the things I do?

I've been frustrated and irritated with myself all day today. I don't understand what the deal is with me. I don't understand why I get attached so easily. I don't understand why I fall so fast. I don't understand how I can trust people so quickly. I don't understand why I get sensitive about some things, and I certainly don't understand my own psychology.

Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot.

I look at the calender today and realize that my father's birthday is in 6 days. Next week is gonna be a happy week for Megan.

I'm just so angry with him. I've never gotten angry about my dad before. Sure, my family would joke about getting up there and beating him up or giving him a piece of our mind, but I never took it seriously.

Now it's safe to say, I'm genuinely pissed off at him. Why the eff did he leave us? Why the eff did he leave me? Never before did I use my dad as a serious scape-goat, and every time I did it wouldn't be for very long. I'd recognize that I was blaming him for my current predicament and I'd stop and take responsibility for it.

But right now, I'm blaming him. I'm blaming him for the fact that if he had stuck around at least until I started dating that maybe I wouldn't be so screwed up. I'm blaming him for the unhealthy relationships I've been in. And I'm blaming him for trying to sabotage my current healthy relationship now. If I wasn't so damn clingy, so damn pathetic when it comes to men and relationships in general, maybe I'd be married by now. If I wasn't so much of a freakin basketcase maybe I would actually be okay with being alone. If I wasn't so easily attached and had the men in my life fill the void of my father maybe I wouldn't break up when I gotten broken up with.

I hate myself for this. And what's worse is the fact that it's not a fixable problem. I'm gonna carry this bull shit around for the rest of my natural life. There's not a pill I can take to cure me from being a whiney, annoying, moody, bratty girlie girl when it comes to my dad. I'm gonna always have attachment issues. They're never gonna go away. I hate knowing that.

My counselor that I'm seeing told me to maybe let in some of the emotions that I had been feeling towards my dad to surface or come naturally and not cover them up. Well, this is me doing exactly that.

So thanks Dad. Oh & happy birthday.

No comments:

Post a Comment