It's really hard to get over a person

when he CONSTANTLY plagues my dreams. How can my conscious get over this guy if my subconscious keeps pulling him to the forefront of my mind when I'm asleep? This is really starting the piss me off. I've never dreamed about a guy that I've dated before. Unless it had something to do with foreshadowing which did happen once. I dreamt that the guy I was dating broke up with me and the next day he did. But other than that, I've never had this be an issue. I've dreamt of this guy twice since we broke up a week and a half ago. I'm trying desperately not to text him, desperately not to think of him, desperately not listen to songs that remind me of him... And I thought I was somewhat succeeding until night comes, and even though I try to fill my mind with Mystery Science Theater or Robert Frost or Spanish, my mind constantly turns to him once I'm asleep.

The killer part about this, is that I doubt he's even dreamed of me once.

When is spring break again?

Mega-Mega

A Little Bit Stronger

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger



The only way I could possibly end up dating or trusting a man is if he proves to me that he won't leave. I'm sick of empty promises. Prove to me that you won't stop loving me. Prove to me that you're not gonna be a douche-bag. Prove to me that I'm worth it to you. Actions do speak louder than words. And before I give 110% of myself to another guy is if he's going to do just that. Prove it.


Mega-Mega

I truly hate 'I don't knows'

Right now in my life, I feel like there is a large quantity of uncertainties that I'm trying to sift through.

I hate not knowing where my life is going, what I'm going to do or where I'm going to be after I graduate, or what I'm to expect out of my current relationship within the next few months.

I know it's an unfair judgment. I shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch, both in an optimistic or pessimistic attitude. But I feel like there's too many variables. Too many unknowns. Maybe this is why the ocean makes me nervous. Not knowing exactly what's below you as your swimming. The slight chance that you'll get sucked under or eaten by a shark.

I am content. Happy even. But I think I'm getting very weary and frustrated with all these vague inclinations that seem to be thrown at me on a daily basis. In more than one area of my life.

I'm not saying I want everything to clear up, the sky to be the perfect shade of blue or the world to suddenly stop throwing me curveballs. But what I would so like is for a little more certainty. A little more clarity.

I understand I'm being directed little by little. But I feel like this is a time in my life where I know the least about where I'm headed. Every other season of my life I at least knew generally where I was going. Now I don't even know that.

Combine that with my period & my dad's birthday tomorrow, I'm an emotional mess. Hopefully by next week I'll be more stable.

I am fine. I'm not really disappointed or depressed. Just mildly frustrated with my current predicament. It's no one's fault. It's just the nature of the beast.

I'm not asking for any visitations or bolts of lightning, I'm just asking for a whisper or maybe a light drizzle.

xoxo
Megatron

Why do I do the things I do?

I've been frustrated and irritated with myself all day today. I don't understand what the deal is with me. I don't understand why I get attached so easily. I don't understand why I fall so fast. I don't understand how I can trust people so quickly. I don't understand why I get sensitive about some things, and I certainly don't understand my own psychology.

Thanks, Dad. Thanks a lot.

I look at the calender today and realize that my father's birthday is in 6 days. Next week is gonna be a happy week for Megan.

I'm just so angry with him. I've never gotten angry about my dad before. Sure, my family would joke about getting up there and beating him up or giving him a piece of our mind, but I never took it seriously.

Now it's safe to say, I'm genuinely pissed off at him. Why the eff did he leave us? Why the eff did he leave me? Never before did I use my dad as a serious scape-goat, and every time I did it wouldn't be for very long. I'd recognize that I was blaming him for my current predicament and I'd stop and take responsibility for it.

But right now, I'm blaming him. I'm blaming him for the fact that if he had stuck around at least until I started dating that maybe I wouldn't be so screwed up. I'm blaming him for the unhealthy relationships I've been in. And I'm blaming him for trying to sabotage my current healthy relationship now. If I wasn't so damn clingy, so damn pathetic when it comes to men and relationships in general, maybe I'd be married by now. If I wasn't so much of a freakin basketcase maybe I would actually be okay with being alone. If I wasn't so easily attached and had the men in my life fill the void of my father maybe I wouldn't break up when I gotten broken up with.

I hate myself for this. And what's worse is the fact that it's not a fixable problem. I'm gonna carry this bull shit around for the rest of my natural life. There's not a pill I can take to cure me from being a whiney, annoying, moody, bratty girlie girl when it comes to my dad. I'm gonna always have attachment issues. They're never gonna go away. I hate knowing that.


My counselor that I'm seeing told me to maybe let in some of the emotions that I had been feeling towards my dad to surface or come naturally and not cover them up. Well, this is me doing exactly that.


So thanks Dad. Oh & happy birthday.

Beyond the Sea

Somewhere beyond the sea,
Somewhere waiting for me,
My lover stands on golden sands
And watches the ships that go sailing.

Somewhere beyond the sea
She's there watching for me.
If I could fly like birds on high
Then straight to her arms I'd go sailing

It's far beyond the star,
It's near beyond the moon.
I know beyond a doubt
My heart will lead me there soon

We'll meet beyond the shore
We'll kiss just like before
And happy we'll be beyond the sea
And never again I'll go sailing

I know beyond a doubt
My heart will lead me there soon
We'll meet, I know, we'll meet beyond the shore
We'll kiss just as before
And happy we will be beyond the sea
And never again I'll go sailing

No more sailing
So long, sailing, sailing, no more sailing

Good-bye, farewell my friend, no more sailing

So long sailing, no more sailing

No more, farewell...

No more sailing


My favorite place to listen to this song is in a living room, dancing with someone :)

It's changing out there...

I felt somewhat inspired to write about this. And I'm sure my sissy, living in Kuwait, will appreciate it as well :)

Recently, in my Islamic Humanities class I've been learning a lot about the culture of the Middle East, caliphs, Sunnis vs Shiites, mosques, the Quran and so much more. There is a particular issue that is occuring at this moment in that part of the world that is really amazing me. And I mean, jaw on the ground, eyes popping out of my skull amazement.

Right now, in Egypt, Libya, Tunisia, Yemen, Oman, Bahrain, and Iran there are protests, uprisings, and revolts of citizens against their tyrannical totalitarian leaders. Some have succeeded (Egypt basically forced President Mubarak out of office & the entire people have turned the government over to the military.) and some have not, or haven't yet.

What I wanted to point out is the fantastic opportunity this is for the Gospel to finally make it to the Middle East- a region of the world that only a miracle would cause these countries to open their doors to missionaries. The exact thing could have been said of the Iron Curtain and communism nearly 60 years ago.

I am incredibly hopeful for the future. How wonderful would it be in 10 or 15 years to be called to the Baghdad, Iraq mission? Or the Manama, Bahrain mission? Call me a hopeless romantic or an extreme optimist but I do think this is the beginning of a new chapter for the Middle East. I'm sure it'll take much longer for things to settle down. Let's face it, Africa and the Middle East are always in a state of unrest and chaos. But this could be a turning point in their history, as well as ours.

Someday soon, I predict, the Gospel of Jesus Christ will go to the Middle East. It will finally touch all the corners of the Earth. This is an exciting time to be alive to whitness the winding down of this last dispensation and the beginnings of the Second Coming.

Keep the Islamic community in your prayers!

xoxo
Mega-Mega

That was a 180

Things have turned around substantially. And it only took a 3 hour car ride & a McDonalds chocolate shake. Let's just say, that things are back to the way I wanted them to be, and that I'm happy.

I know that there will be a general voice of concern with this turn-around, especially since everybody knows how easily attached I get, but I actually do feel good about the situation, and so does he. Yes, there is always a fear that I'll be in the same boat 3 months from now, but for now I have my answer. I feel very at peace with this. And, I know that I should be here, dating this man at this point in time.

Whether or not things will end is irrelevant at present. Because it's so much more than just seeing if it's the right fit. What it's about, and has been from the get go, is learning. Learning everyday, about myself, about a healthy relationship and about growing as a person.

I'm still going to get counseling. I'm very much aware of the things that I carry, of the weight that is on my shoulders and has been on my shoulders since I was 12 years old. But it's getting fixed. I'm definitely not who I was or where I was 6 months ago or even 3 months ago. I'm stronger. Better. Happier.

And these all have to do with the decisions that I've made to be happy. This man has helped quite a lot, but that's not all. I made the decision before anything happened to be happier. Now I have someone to share that happiness with.

Please, don't worry about me. I firmly believe this is the right path to take at this time.

xoxo
mega-mega


Here's another Phil Collins song to relate to this current situation

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up
Cuz you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

I blame BYU-I, Mormon culture & my dad

What it all boils down to is I get attached too easily. I blame my dad for this. Having the most important male figure in my life taken away from me before puberty screwed me up more than I realized. I don't realize this on a day to day basis...Until I get dumped. Then my entire world falls apart. I break up. I crumble into a million little pieces and for weeks I'm not even remotely like myself. I become completely and totally immersed in this main guy in my life, give everything to him, try so hard to be a good girlfriend, then when he leaves, I'm a basketcase.

Then, I spend the next few weeks trying to reinvent myself, dye my hair, buy new clothes, reread my books, rewatch Beauty & the Beast. Then, I'm constantly reminded by people on campus who hold hands, pick out engagement rings, and NUMEROUS TALKS ABOUT FAMILY & DATING AT CHURCH AND DEVOTIONALS that remind me that I'm single. For this, I blame BYU-I and Mormon culture. The constant pressure to get married and start a family is everywhere. There's absolutely no escaping it.

I can't wait to graduate and get out of this place. BYU-I has been great for me. It's a terrific school and I've learned a lot spiritually, and mentally. I've grown as a person & my testimony has never been stronger. But I'm ready to get out of this place that reminds me that at 21, almost 22, I'm basically a spinster.

xoxo
Mega-Mega